Blog 52.5

I needed that rest. Now I’m back and ready to finish writing what I started last night. Alright, got the tunes, here we go.

I covered the stuff with Amy, I got the Evie epiphany out, so now all that’s left is a couple other things that’ve been on my mind. Probably the most pervading feeling that keeps striking at me from time to time is my worry. Waking up that morning the way I did….it feels like something is wrong and that it’s happening right now but I just don’t know about it….yet. I was able to talk to Jacinta the day of and I also got a hold of Amy and so I know most of the people it could’ve happened to were alright at the time. Really, it could only be my siblings at this point. For as mean and evil as it sounds, I’m not close enough to my parents or the rest of my family to get that sort of feeling about. So it’s either my little siblings or it’s something connected to me that just hasn’t shown it’s ugly face yet. Another weird thing is that Jacinta disappeared again. It’s been a few days now and she’s usually extremely good about replying. So perhaps it was something with her instead of me. I still have this sick feeling in my heart whenever I think about it. But I do think it’s probably something more connected with me than anything else…but if her dad was flipping out over me again that would make sense too. Right now that’s the most likely of all the things I’ve been thinking about, in my opinion. That I might be facing jail sometime soon because of my continued talking with her. Hrm. But you also have to take into account that I really don’t know. I understand life enough to know that most of the time the things you worry about aren’t the things that are going to hit you when times like these come. It’s the sort of thing like a drunk driver who blindsides you while running a red light that really get you; things you never could’ve predicted. So even though I think that’s the most likely thing happening out of the things I’ve been considering as possibilities I think it’s maybe a 20% chance at best. I’m expecting to be blindsided in a very major way sometime soon. Hrm. It’s weird though, I’m actually dealing with it better this time than I did with the others. I’m more reserved and less reactive this time. Kind of like looking the inevitability in the face and defying it because you’re going to do whatever it takes to overcome it. That’s kind of what I feel like right now. I know it’s coming but I’m not going to be crushed by it. I haven’t done the things I’m supposed to do, not yet (and probably not for a while because I’m pretty bad about improving myself, but I’ll get to that after this) so I simply can’t just stop now. I really do hope it’s not something with Jacinta though…I hope she and her family is safe and I hope my relationship with her is safe, too. I don’t know if I’d be able to talk to anyone on the levels of understanding we have if she wasn’t around, heh. And that would suck. Though I guess I’m going to have to get used to that eventually; we’ll only stick together so much longer, I think….we’re not going to be getting back together…all the signs say so. Which is fine I guess. Relationships suck anyway.Give me no ties any day. v.v;

The other thing is that I realize I’m really not doing very well at being the sort of person I want to be. On some levels I’m very very much what I want to be. But on others… I’m nothing but a hypocrite. I’m having a lot of trouble getting myself out of my old habits and becoming completely what I want to be. One of the many ways is that I want to let go of base emotions and desires brought on merely by the heat of the moment and instead focus on the things I should be focusing on. And I just don’t seem to always be able to do that. And in some cases, totally unable to. One of the worst ones is my thing with porn + masterbation lately. I shouldn’t really focus on either of those things, I know it feels good but at the same time it’s just an example of me giving to exactly that; base desires and emotions overcoming the things that should matter to me. So I think maybe I should try to let go of that…where is lechery going to bring me, honestly? Even if I don’t think of anyone, even if it’s just the feeling alone, what good is that really doing? It’s just focusing on your own self rather than on other things that are more important. Hrm. It’s weird that I’m starting to feel guilty over that, too. I don’t know what to do about it either. Should I just like…stop? But then what happens when it builds up? Hrm. And how well will I do if I get propped and I need to resist that? And that sounds weird, but I get chances more than I might like to; I just got catcalled last night as I was walking home by a couple of girls telling me I should come over for some ‘fun.’ I ignored them, but how well would I be able to if I didn’t keep the urge down if I didn’t sate myself? Hrm. Meh. I’m deleting my linked stuff. I can do without that. There, cleaned them out. It’s going to take more work than that, though, I know. Lots more probably. It’s gotten to be a pretty strong habit. Hrm. Maybe I should replace it with a more positive one, like meditation every night to candlelight instead. It’s going to be work, definately. And that’s just one area. Another is my being so quick to snap and get angry with people…I need to not do that. And I need to figure out how I’m supposed to deal with people who’ve screwed me over in the past in a ‘right’ sort of way. I’m really not sure. Right now I’m just an ass and that feels wrong in a lot of ways. Hrm. Gah, I’m really bad at this.