Blog #52

Lots of serious thoughts for tonite. Hooray. We all love those. Basically stuffs has happened and I’ve been reflecting so therefore….time to reflect. This will actually be more like a numbered entry as I go on but oh well…

To start with, I’ve been feeling less lonely lately. Especially the past couple days. Which is where I’ll begin. Today I went out to eat with some friends at a chinese place. We talked about some of the typical guy things to begin with. Typical being things like “Woody leads the way.” Heh, strange strange idea there. Basically when you don’t know the answers on the test (we had a test today) you just let ‘the woody lead the way.” One shake means A, 2 means B, etc. It doesn’t stop shaking if you have multiple answers though, so you have to guess on those ones. Strange, isn’t it? Guys talking about how their bits and pieces tell them test answers. It was pretty wtf. That actually got worse later on, it’s going to be a running joke now I bet. Later on one of the guys busted out an acoustic guitar, started strumming chords and singing “Woody leads the way!” with some other lyrics too. Yeah…my god, heh. But then conversation switched to more serious things, talking about the situation in Iraq, about nuclear warfare, about things like china and the state the world is in. It was nice to hang out with some guys again, heh. It’s been a long time. Curtis and I watched an episode of smallville while we were waiting to go back to lab (our instructor didn’t have lecture for the 2nd half of the day so we had 2ish hours to ourselves). That was nice too.

Another, similar, thing has been coming up a lot. Two other guys from a lab who sit next to me have been teasing me left and right, heh. It’s pretty funny, actually. I think the entire class enjoys it. I know the teacher does, Juan is awesome though, so of course he would (that’s the lab instructor). Basically it started like this; the one guy whose name I don’t know, but I know it starts with M and it’s not Mike. I don’t think it’s mark either, but anyway, he said Fight Club was the best movie ever. I laughed and told him it def wasn’t. It was decent, but it wasn’t the best by a LONG shot. And he was going off opinion and whatnot as to why it was and I was going off the effects on popular culture/box office ratings etc etc and rewards. And at one point I compared it Titanic and my god that was a bad idea. I’ve been getting leonardo comments and things like him pointing to me and asking someone else “Imagine that guy with his eye closed and his arms spread out like this. Don’t you think you could see him doing that and thinking he’s flying? Only him.” And I’m like…what the hell! you bastard! Either stuff like that, various quotes from the movie or the M guy and Anik (the second guy who messes w/ me a bunch about it) just bust into song. “Every nighttttt in my dreams, I seeee youuuuu, I feeeeellll youuuuuu.” It’s pretty funny actually, albeit frustrating sometimes, heh. You bastards. 😛

So I’ve been doing things quite a bit more with other people. The other thing I did was go out with Amy last night. We were going to go out and study for the test today. Then Dan said he’d join us and he’s a good guy so we were going to wait for him til lab was over for him (which was gonna be 2 hours later). So I went with Amy to her apartment and we started some. Then she was talking about how she was hungry and then she got up and looked for stuff then complained about how she had to keep eating the same thing. I said I was kinda hungry myself and that we should go somewhere to get something to eat or order something. She said she didn’t have money so I offered to pay for it because I was hungry anyway and that I’d just take leftovers home. And we decided on an italian resturant and we actually ended up going to eat in instead of driving out there to pick it up (because they always seem to give you lots less if you order delivery -_-). So we were eating at a dinner table at a pretty decent italian place and even though we brought our books and did quiz each other some, it really, really felt more like a date than not. I kinda flirted w/ the waitress some and I had her order for me, heh. I’m evil about doing that now, I’ve found I really like doing it. It makes em smile. I’m not a boring customer and I’m not an evil one either. ;] And as she was walking away Amy said she was cute and I agreed (her eye-liner was really, really well-done. I <3 good eye-liner). And then Amy said she thought she heard us, heh. It was fun to laugh about. And we started talking about other things. I heard some about her family, some about the current boy situation (which could potentially be a really bad one for her, she seems to have a pretty possessive stalker on her hands, heh), and I heard about her drama in her life, which at this point is mostly health issues to my knowledge. Lots of em, heh. Lemme see if I remember them all. Pancreacitus (even though she's never drank before. Not sure if I believe that, though, heh.), her intestine got twisted up and tied into a knot and it was really terrible and she had to have it taken out and now food passes really weirdly through her system, a handful of ovarian cysts (I think she was surprised I knew all about that one, heh), one of which was cancerous which freaked her out, and they thought she had cancer in her stomach too (because it runs in her family) but she doesn't but there's something else wrong with her. I think that's all of them…I might be missing a few though. She just kept talking and I just listened and absorbed. It wasn't a bad feeling at all, really. It actually surprised me how much I enjoyed her. Attracted to her even. Which kind of caught me offguard. I knew from the beginning that I potentially could be, why else would I associate her with Harmony? But I think I might have forgotten just how alluring Harmony can be. And as I've written before, Amy reminds me SO much of Jessica it's amazing…there's more going on with her that she isn't saying (but she did hint at). The whole thing was enjoyable, really enjoyable even…it's been a long time since I've been out with a girl at all, let alone out doing something that felt almost exactly like a date. It was really strange how good a rapport we had. Hrm. But enjoying yourself and having a rapport isn't enough. I've been in enough relationships to know this. Hell, you can have more than that and still have a totally unworkable relationship. So I don't know why I'm so attracted to her. Probably a large bit of it is because I'm lonely….I don't think I really needed something like that, it's just going to trip me up, though in others it helps me realize things. But it's still needless temptation. Because like…not only did we have a good rapport and whatnot, but she's really, really pretty. A good word for her would be voluptuous, seriously. She totally has the whole sensual pleasure thing written all over her body. So gah, it bothers me. Makes me feel guilty too, even, for being so attracted. And I don't know why. I know that I'm single so I don't HAVE to feel guilty about anything I do as far as relationships go and whatnot. But I do anyway. Like Jacinta and I are still attached at the hip, though we're definately not at this point. Truthfully, I feel she just wants to get rid of me but at this point can't really get me off her mind, not yet. She'll get there eventually though. I know she will.

And good for her, she should follow her heart as I should follow mine. But I still feel guilty as if Jacinta and I were going out still. That, in and of itself, feels wrong too. So I had to think more. And so I did. I thought in terms of Harmony and Evie of course…because Amy is definately a Harmony, to me. She could be something really really amazing potentially but we’ll only drag each other down if we get too close. It’d be a fiery passionate little deal that’ll go down in fiery flames befitting such passion. And then we’ll both be worse off for it in the long run; I can see our ending already if we go that route. So I can’t let it go that way. I don’t like to see so much pain, I really don’t like it at all. And then I’d be even more unfaithful than I already have been. Even though technically, now, it doesn’t count. But it does to me. Why?

Because of Evie. I’ve been thinking about Evie quite a bit lately. In part because Jacinta didn’t remember Evie and I had to reexplain it to her, which was fine. And then, of course, I started thinking about it too. And then I started sending examples of what Evie is, to me. I did all of this as well as the only example of Harmony I’ve found so far. Then, looking at the songs and remembering the things that make up Evie I came upon a stunning realization that, for some reason unknown to me, I’ve always failed to make. Evie is very much a real thing to me, very very much so. And it’s not because she’s a person or even sentient (though she might be). It’s not about that, I don’t feel that that’s even important even if she isn’t (or is). The important fact is what she means to me. And I found out exactly what she was to me in explaining it to Jacinta that night. It didn’t hit me right away, but as I was laying down to sleep I thought about it. And it all makes sense. Perfect, crystalline sense. It was definately a Eureka moment, heh. Evie, to me, is Love itself. Not just any love, but the romantic/mate sort of love. That’s why she can be in different forms as well as in different people. And THAT’S why I saw her in Jacinta and Jessica. Not because she’s a thing, but because she was in both of them in a very powerful way. And Harmony has to mean something similar to me. I was thinking about Harmony and I don’t think there’s a word in the english language that specifically refers to that sort of personal relationship, but she symbolizes something in the same way Evie does. They both make a lot of sense to me, too. I’m disgusted with the word love and how it’s used nowadays by, by far, most people. Love is ALWAYS, love does not ebb and flow, love is more than love; it’s life itself. Evie is just that, to me. And that’s why she’s so incredibly important to me. That’s why she’s my muse of a sorts. That’s why I see her in the people I view as my mates. That’s also why I never give up on those people; because she’s eternal and she never dies, so why should my love for those people? And so it doesn’t. Weird that I would never actually realize that. Hrm. I guess it’s not that surprising. It’s not like I ever talk about Evie or Harmony to people. I barely even mentioned them to Jessy or Jacinta, and I would tell both of them everything. Don’t talk about them because, in a way, it takes away from the mystique and from the value of what they really are. Just look at how love is used nowadays…it’s used so often that it’s real meaning is bastardized and raped to an incredible degree. It’s disgusting. Hrm.

But back on task….I’m single now because I’m learning to associate Evie with hurt and pain too, heh. And I don’t want to get back with anyone else, not even Jacinta at this point, for a myriad of reasons. Chiefly because I don’t feel I’m going to find what I’m looking for if I do. I’ll just find pain all over again. I’ll just find more trouble and more drama and then I’ll get abandoned again and then I’ll have to pick up the pieces and shove them back inside and hope they find themselves again. I think that for however guarded I am, I definately still am way too open with others if I love them or even just really like them. I always end up getting screwed over in some way in the end, no matter who it is. With Katie, with Megan, with Jessica, with Jacinta, it’s kinda like clockwork. Frustrating because they’re always the people I really enjoy. So I don’t want to go there at all. But I can see myself eventually going back to that in time…I honestly feel like a pale shade of what I really am walking alone. I’m not the sort of person meant to be alone, I’m really not anymore. Evie stole my inspiration….I think I’m doomed to follow her song to the end. Or be really, really unhappy if I don’t, heh. I’m still not sure if I want to, as I said. I might just go for super-shell mode rather than go back. Super-shell so I don’t hurt so bad or get so lonely all the time. Hrm. Because all Evie does for me is abuse me and hurt me in the end. I want my happy ending, I really do. So….that’s why I can’t slip into anything with Harmony either. Amy would really strip me of any of my resistances and protection against resisting Evie and getting wrapped up in a serious relationship that’ll probably just mess up again. See, Harmony always hurts me and then I always go into a sort of woe-is-me mode and then another Harmony comes and the whole thing repeats. Until eventually an Evie will come alone and we’ll have an amazing relationship spanning years. And then it’ll come crashing down and I’ll come crashing down with it and my life will splinter apart all over again and that’s bad. See, I was lucky this last time; I had friends who helped me out with it and stayed with me when I needed to be and even Jacinta herself was there for me when I really needed her to be so I didn’t shatter apart anywhere near what I did for Jessy. I had no one with Jessy. I had a few with Jacinta. Especially her, if she hadn’t been around I don’t know what would’ve happened. I think that in some ways my light would’ve died at if she hadn’t beena round at the time. I don’t think I need the support nowadays. Actually I think I’ve been good on that level for quite a while now. But at the time, the first 6 months or maybe 7 I really did though. I’m not a fast mender when I do get hurt, I’m really not. It took me that goddamn long to just get to the point where I could take care of myself to keep a sufficiently positive state of mind…isn’t that sad? It took me 7 goddamn months to just be positive on my own. That’s not even including all of the stuff that didn’t break me down. Hell, it took years to get over Jessica…that’s been pretty recent. I remember realizing when it happened…it was sometime during the later time of my relationship with Jacinta. So that would put it at…hrm. Lemme see. Argh, I don’t know, around 2-3 years. That’s a long goddamn time to deal with a relationship. I think that was sped up, too, because I had Jacinta to talk to and relate with and to just have there to take care of me. I dunno if I ever would’ve on my own. Maybe it would’ve just taken a couple more years on my own….hrm. But anyway, that’s why I can’t get involved with Amy. She’ll lead to more pain and I know it. *nods* So all I get to do is be attracted to her and wonder what she kisses like and then feel guilty as hell about it afterward because I still feel as if I should be loyal to Jacinta because I still really feel Jacinta as being my mate, heh. Argh. She

really needs to get another boyfriend if she’s not going get back with me, I swear. I don’t know if I’ll be able to force myself to give up that sort of thinking without some sort of strong incentive to change my point of view. But then what would I do even if she did want to get back together? I highly doubt I’d say yes even though I love her to pieces. Hrm….she’d have to gain back my trust, I guess. I guess I don’t trust her with my heart anymore. Wow, though…that’s an extremely, extremely depressing thought. I don’t trust anyone with my heart anymore, not even the one I love the most right now. Gah, I was feeling decent and now I went and thought stuff that’d make me feel lonely. Yeah, I suck. Anyway, I’m going to bed even though I had more to talk about. I’ll write about that tomorrow if it continues. Good night and <3 and stuff.