Blog #5

Got some new things on my frontpage ^__^ I’ll keep looking for more tests w/ sexy pics when I get more spare time. I was kind of surprised at the endings I got this time around, though. Naturally I score taurus (I always seem to when I take zodiac-ish tests) but when I take the ‘color’ tests, I’ve NEVER scored white before. It’s always a colour that represents a fiery, passionate personality or an earthy, solid one. But white? Meh, that’s quite a departure. I’m not sure if I should be happy about it or unnerved by it, but I think I’m more weirded out than anything else. I liked the pic so I posted the results anyway. Hrm.

Today was kinda shitty. I woke up tired. I didn’t wake up on my own and I was tired ALL day. I don’t think I did that great on my test either, though i’m pretty sure I passed at least. But not as good as I’d want it to be. Meh. Then I chilled out by myself at a table and I closed my eyes and felt. It’s interesting how you can feel and notice things so much better when you reach out with something more than your senses and if you totally ignore your sight. It’s interesting…once you start reaching and consciously ignoring your normal bodily filters that are set over your senses…you start to notice all sorts of things you never did before. The voices, more than one at once and exactly ‘where’ they are and the real quality of emotion behind them more so than the expressed one, the way the bags move, the gentle whoosh of the wind and just everything around you. It’s very alive, where I am now. I miss the trees, though, my trees. Mmm…but it’s curious. I was doing it on the way home too. You can feel all sorts of interesting things with practice. But it was interesting, everyone was huddled in groups except for me. And I kept thinking of that after i stopped just trying to notice and feel more than I normally do. It’s like I wanted to be part of the group but, I think, I wanted them to come to me instead of my to them. It was curious. It’s good at the same time, though, I think. I need to keep in mind that I am not them; that I’m something different. I have to maintain this….while we’re very very similar, and indeed I am with everyone I’ve met so far, possibly with everyone in the world if i tried to feel them hard enough and understood them…but even while we’re so similar, I have to maintain my sense of self at the same time instead of getting swept up in the emotional waves modulating, swirling around me. Without sense of self and without remembering who I am and what I’m doing and why, how am I supposed to maintain my integrity? And my goals? I think that if I just let go at this point I’ll lose those two things and become something else entirely. Maybe a normal person. I think that’s very possible, if I were to. But I don’t want to be like everyone else…despite being very much like them. I have the capability to be something more if I maintain who I am. I just need practice. That’s all.

Ha, need practice is right. I lost a friend not that long ago. It’s one of the handful of things I’ve been meaning to write about it for a while now (over a week, I think, but everything is blurring together with my schedule nowadays). I’ll make it short….it was the friend I was upset about earlier, the one lacking the strength to follow through on her own ideals and instead taking the spiritally weak way out. It’s been a while since her dad had cancer and he died somewhat recently. She was flipping out the entire time he was in the hospital, which is understandable. But it was more than a bit prounounced…it’s one thing to be extremely upset, it’s quite another to not be able to get yourself up for the day and to not be able to deal with the normal things, and for someone like her, it’s sad to not be able to reach out and support those around you. She talks a lot about how she supports the people around her and helps them out all the time and how she seems to be much stronger than most…but when it came down to it, she didn’t have the strength to be that. Not for her, not for her Mother, not for her Father, not for anyone else because she was too dominated by her own emotions. Perhaps I’m judging her too harshly, but I don’t think so at this point. I ‘read’ her personality and I felt that for the most part she was exactly what she said she was. Not as tough as she thought, but still capable. It really really irks me that people can get tripped up so heavily and for such a long time over something that shouldn’t be absolutely world-ending. One, you saw it coming; you had time to prepare and it’s stupid of you not to prepare for such things and to process the eventuality; she had known about the terminal cancer for years, so she should have had time to accept it and to enjoy him while she still could and to help support him through it as well as the other people she cared for. That’s the just thing to do. But rather she avoided the eventuality and ran and hid when it did happen rather than accepting. Two, it’s alright to feel terrible, even absolutely utterly terrible and sad and upset for a long period of time. However, it’s not alright for this to go on to a heightened degree, i.e. to the point where you can’t even take care of the things you need to do for living. That’s very very weak and very very disappointing in my eyes…especially from someone who claims to be strong. That bothers me. And it’s still been going on much more recently and I kept encouraging her to do the things I felt she believed in and telling her she could do it and whatnot…trying to be supportive while maintaining the ‘fun’ aspect of the friendship. It didn’t get better, though. I felt that, from knowing her before, that perhaps she was just falling into a loop like I do sometimes and I kept trying to get her to notice that but she never really seemed to, so I decided to be a bit more harsh in my explanation….and I told her that she was much better than what she was doing now and that what she was doing now was pathetic. She totally flipped. I didn’t fight with her nor engage, but we still don’t talk. I was too harsh in my accusation, I suppose, but I guess it merely means I was heard. Perhaps she really did hear me and is working to better herself now and to get back on her feet. It irks me that people can react that way. It really does. She didn’t care for it when she said I should treat people the way i’d like to be treated and I told her that I would’ve wanted her to do the same thing to me, if I was acting so contrary to my own beliefs that my friends were noticing my hypocrisy, that it’d hopefully help me get things back in focus and to keep being what I want myself to be. I got accused of something pretty harsh, then. I thought you were really about caring and compassion, but now I see it was always just about control. Control? That’s about as ignorant as you could get. : I know how to control…to control you seduce them with words like honey and command them by making feel like they want to do the things you want them to do. You never, ever, ever, say anything harsh to them. Especially not something as critical as “the way you’re acting right now is pathetic.” Ugh…people all too often only see the things they want to see. I just wanted to help. I hope I did, in the end, at any rate. In some ways I’m glad of her reaction; it means she heard me. It’s just a question of how she takes it, now. Either way though, I doubt we’ll eve

r speak again. That’s too bad…she was one of the last people I was talking to outside of the people at fullsail.

On the plus side of the coin, I’ve been having chats with a lot of my long-time friends since this incident rather than actually being completely silent once i got home (before the fight with liz, I wasn’t really talking to any of these people but they seemed to just pop up when I was quite alone). Sarah, Pai, Lisa Bay Bay, Xiro (or ian) and kayti. It’s really good to keep in touch with certain people who know you pretty well. It’s very very curious that THOSE are the ones that would keep in touch with me and not some of the others….the dice don’t always roll the way you expect them to, I suppose.

I have more things to say, but I’ll say them later. I still have YET ANOTHER thing I’ve been meaning to write about but haven’t got to….soon enough. Soon enough. It’s that simple.