Blog #3

Never finished blog 2, but that’s because I want the pic to finish it. Basically our team for a group project got a bunch of cool things together and we took pictures and got an awesome one of us jumping and high-fiving each other with the 2 anchors (myself and the other guy) shaking hands beneath everyone. It was fucking cool.

Anyway, today I went to class, hung out and chatted with heather between classes, and then went to a party, of all things. I went with this christian guy and we talked some religion and some about our pasts and it was interesting how much we had in common. Perhaps I’m being too trusting but I think I respect the guy despite barely knowing him. It was cool. Then we picked up heather and went to the party.

The party was mellow, mostly full sail students with some alcohol and a lot of chit-chat and it was nice. People mentioned my not having a beer and I told them I either drink hard liquor, wine or nothing; I hate beer’s taste. Then someone mentioned vodka and I was like, fuck it, I might as well. So I did, had 2 vodka and cokes. Honestly, I imbibed quite a bit of alcohol over all and in the end I slammed a good bit of alcohol. It’s just hitting my system now; I’m all warm and tingly atm. Interesting. But it was laid back. Some beer pong was played, some weed was smoked, lots of chatting and hanging out. It was badass, I really enjoyed myself. That’s weird, though, that’s not usually my scene. But these people weren’t just random jackasses who did it just to do it; they all did it because they liked to but they had priorites, priorities being music and all that shizzy. It was interesting….one of the rooms was a studio and one of the people who had stuff in the studio went in and started to play. I slipped in and listened, then others came. Then everyone else was like, wtf, am I hearing some jamming? Lemme get in on this….and then all the weed and beer was forgotten and everyone was just listening, just jamming with the player. Guitar got passed around and everyone just chilled. Then afterwards an acoustic was passed around, then myself and a black guy sung a bit….both of us being somewhat classically trained. It was cool, I really liked him.

Man, this is so odd. I’m not used to drinking alcohol….seriously this is like my first time really doing it. I think I probably did because I liked all these people beforehand; I know and like full sail students quite a bit…and I was like what the hell, I’m going to not let myself continue hating and just try it. It’s definately not for me in any sort of regular schedule, but I’m not so sure it’s absolutely terrible like I used to. We didn’t go anywhere bad, we were just social and having a chilled out time. We were cool, you know? I dunno…I’m so warm right now, just in my blood and in my bones, it’s fucking strange. I’ve never drank as much as I have tonite. No, I’m not wasted, I’m not sure I’ll ever let myself go that far, but I did drink a fair bit for being a non-drinker. Dunno, it’s not so bad. But I do think I feel how it messes with you a bit. I’m good at backing out of actions and whims and feeling where I am, and I’m definately a bit shakey right now as far as solidarity. Hrm….it’s a very curious experience. I wonder what Jacinta would think of me and of this. I’m sure she’d say ‘oh it’s alright, it’s your life, do what you want with it’ but that’d be bullshit. It annoys me sometimes when i ask her opinion and she answers like that. Yea yea, I got that, tell me what you think, heh. I wonder if she thought it was a good idea…hrm. Maybe a bad one. How bad? I’m very curious. I’ve kind of assigned myself the role of doing the things she’d like me to do and not doing the things she doesn’t want me to do. I dunno, it’s not because I really necessarily want to get back into a relationship with her either. It’s because I want to be the person she’d like me to be because I think that sort of person would be a very good and effective person at helping the people around me and getting things done and just generally being worthwhile. Tis a big part of the reason of why I do and don’t do a lot of the things I do and don’t do. Also a big part of the reason I’m trying to cull myself of certain addictions and habits and to move on to bigger and better things. It’s really really really beneficial to me to do this, too. I have a much stronger sense of self and a much stronger sense of clarity now. It’s like….yeah, my focus right now is school and getting that done the best I can possibly do. That’s incredible for me. I’m keeping interested, I’m doing what I need to be doing, I’m actually fucking writing notes and in doing these things that I know she’d want me to do, I’m learning new behaviors that I, myself, support and like. It’s like, wow, notes aren’t so bad. Wow, maybe I really can do this. After all, she believes in me and she thinks i’m going to succede….maybe I really will, despite all the things I failed at. I dunno why it’s such an amazing thing for me that she believes in me, but in a lot of ways it is….man, it’s mindblowing. For such a powerful, motivated and incredible person to think so highly of someone like me, that’s just huge. I really do think I can do this. It’s working out nicely. Anyway, that’s the end of the blog….I just chilled….and I’m somewhat numb from all the vodka imbibed and I’m really warm and really fucking tired. I need to wake up for class in 8 hours so I probably should get going to sleep; it’s late.

Take care everyone and remember that you are loved.