Blog #28

And I’m up and……………..awake….again. It’s strange how easily I’m fitting into this waking up early stuff without really doing much. I think breakfast is a big part of it though. Milk and cereal wake me up more than they should. That and I think I’m still excited to be going to class again. I really was restless as hell not that long ago. Mmm…if I can get into a schedule of that I wonder if it’ll hold for a consistant period of time. May be.

It’s strange to feel so excited about things like class and feel so defeated overall. I still feel so incredibly alone and there isn’t going to be a significant end to that and I realize this. There will be times when I won’t feel it because other things will be masking it cocktail-party style, but every time I try to get in touch with myself…I’m going to recognize it. I’m going to see it and I’m going to feel it. I’m learning that it doesn’t matter whether or not I’m doing good things, whether or not I have good friends or whether or not I’m feeling vindicated in doing what I am. I’m still going to feel alone every time. It doesn’t even matter if girls like me and flirt with me; I’ve just dealt a bit with that and that does nothing as well. It’s trouble getting used to as well, if only because it’s such a pervading sense of things. I wonder how long it’s going to take before I get used to it again. I remember that I didn’t used to care about being alone so much….I felt it then too, but it just never seemed to matter. And I know it’s not going to go away either; it’s a different beast than most forms of lonliness I think. Mmm…a strange juxaposition. But then again, I’m excited about the things that hide the things that hurt. Perhaps not so strange after all.

Anyway, I need to get to class. I’ll be back.