Blog #20

It’s been a week. A week of…weirdness and screwed up mental states. I’ve recently slipped out of the one I was in when I last wrote, to be sure. I think that, if nothing else, I realized something very important about myself this time; I disassociate to deal with problems. Whenever things start really really pushing me and stressing me emotionally, I step back and revert to my old frame of mind, my old nonchalant arrogance and then nothing can hurt me too much. Whatever comes, comes, but at those points in time I only do what I choose to do, what I feel like doing and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I can choose to be unhappy and I CHOOSE to be, so really it’s not a real unhappiness at all (or so it seems at the time) because I’m choosing to be for the time.

But at the same time….after the shock and stress wears down….everything slips back into where I was before. It sometimes takes a while, though, apparently. Honestly, this is the first time I truly noticed it…usually I just assume that I’m back to square one, but this time I really saw it for what it was; a defense mechanism that I really believe in at the time even though it’s not particularily real. I see that I’ve done it in the past as well….I did it with my Grandmother’s death. I did it with my father and how I deal with our relationship now. I did it with Jacinta, too. Oddly, I didn’t do it with Jessy…I chose an entirely different (and probably worse) route for dealing with that one…hrm.

But at any rate…I’m back now….and I’m hurting all the same as I was before. Really, it’s just as I thought it’d be to begin with, before getting stressed out recently over our connectivity; nothing is going to change with our seperation except that I’m going to feel more alone. I’m not going to truly reach out to others, not really, nor permanently. I will to a small extent to people I know with whom relationships can’t and won’t work and I’ve done that. I’ve already found someone to at least vent to. A very interesting and fairly fun girl named Kellie. Opera singer and whatnot. *gasp* Sung to me and everything, I adore her voice…she’s really, really, really pretty too. Honestly it’s amazing how I always seem to find the most beautiful intelligent women to talk to when I really feel I need someone to talk to…they’re just never ugly. : Sec, I’ll find a link for you, she has a myspace…actually I thought better of that. Not gonna link. But she’s pretty gorgeous. But at the same time I’m handicapping myself because I know she’s not on the same level as I am. Probably not on the same field of capability either…I focus a bit overmuch on the things important to me so there are very rarely people who can operate with me on those levels. And if they can’t, then chances are I’m not going to want anything long-term; I want a partner for life. I don’t want a plaything despite my occasional wanting of one. I only want one because I’m fucking lonely, I want someone to talk to and to hold and to cuddle and I don’t really have one. Frustrating.

So….what now? I keep moving of course…my reasoning was sound, I do back the seperation even though a lot of my reasons for finally doing so were poor ones. A mistake made for the greater good, perhaps. I hadn’t completely thought it through…but that’s ok. I hope Jacinta will be better for this. I probably will be in the end as well. The more and more I look at it, the more and more I’m relating to the people in the book I’m reading currently, ‘The Death of Vishnu.’ I’m very much like Vishnu…but where I thought Jacinta close to padmini, the more I learn about her, the more I realize I was wrong…padmini is very much like Jessica. Almost a splitting image, actually…padmini is my Jessica all over again. Reading it I remember the things we had, the things I felt for her and the complexity of the emotions I had for her. They’re pretty much one and the same…and then there’s Kavita…THAT’S Jacinta. The girl caught between the illicit love and the societal norm and dictation…pushed to marry Pran or running away with Salim. Kavita who pushes for it then balks and who suddenly doesn’t know what to do. But my Kavita chose the norm rather than running away with me. Is that what the book’s kavita is going to do as well? I suspect it…because the girl in the book rings so truely as “Jacinta” rather than Kavita…everything about her. And I, too, see myself in Salim, see myself in Vishnu, and I see myself, too, in Mr. Jalal. Mr. Jalal is a man looking for faith who’s stumbling over the same blocks I now am having trouble with….stumbling over blocks of being an intellectual who finally realizes that, perhaps, the flaw isn’t within those mindless with faith but perhaps it’s in you instead…because you really can’t experience it. And then you experience a flash of it, a small flash and suddenly you can’t grasp it anymore and then you through yourself into it with fervor trying as hard as you can to find that again. Suddenly your armour of pessmism and skepticism melts away and you have to remind yourself of being skeptical and not believing just because you want to…that’s exactly where I am right now and so is he. I think, perhaps, I view myself now as mostly in the same footsteps as Mr. Jalal….I’d like very much to talk with him…to experience someone else, and equal of sorts in temperment and mind. It’s not easy finding your way without any sort of guide or reference. And after all, are we not all here to help each other? Maybe he could help me and I, him. I can’t wait to see where the story goes….