Blog #18
Grr, people anger me. I need to be sleeping for class this morning and there’s a goddamn party going on in the building next to me and I can’t fucking sleep because they’re too busy fucking around. Fighting, bass thumping though my building even though I’m a goodly distance away, yelling and screaming. Yeah, i’m not cool with that. I’m never cool when you wake me up repeatedly. In fact, I’m very much a bear. As in, pick you up and throw you out a window, bear. As in start throwing coffe mugs trying to beam you in the head, bear. It’s not a pretty sight if you wake me up rudely; it’s actually fairly dangerous. Honestly, I won’t usually express it physically but god damn I’m always TEMPTED to…and I’ll prob be angry with you for the rest of the day. Be cool with me, don’t be a bastard But anyway, these kids were being bastards. Called the cops on their asses too. Owned fuckers. So thats why I’m up at 2am when I need to be up in a very small matter of hours. And that’s why I’m mad again. God damnit, I thought I was done with the anger bullshit for another good while. Definately doesn’t seem to be that way, though. I have another fucked up day now because I’m not going to sleep and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and I’m going to be going into it tired and mildly angry. Grr. Hard times should bugger off for a little bit; one every couple of days is fine, screw having them every day for streaks.
Gah. More ventage. Going to try to let it go (again). Hopefully nothing else springs up for the anger to latch onto and perpetuate off of. My anger corrodes if I let it out too often and corrodes if I don’t let it out at all….but now I’m in some danger of it starting to dictate my actions and tones so it’s time to let it go for now. I really hope for a good day tomorrow. At this point I feel I deserve one. I’ve been doing a good job so far I think. Not sure how much longer before I flip on someone, though. Particularily those bastards who keep waking me up every couple nights or so.
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Other than that I’m in the same boat I’ve been in for a while. Mildly sad with the world around but with that mostly diverted with all of the thought and work I’ve been putting into thoughts and school lately. Eh. In a lot of ways I’ve become exactly the sort of person I used to despise; it’s pretty and, in a couple ways, almost pathetic to just ignore the problems before you with busywork. I’m not an ignorer of problems, I’m a focuser on them. Focus, figure out the root, fix it. Then no more pain and no more hurt because the problem has been dealt with. It’s quick and easy. And that way you hurt less, you’re happy more and it doesn’t bite at you from behind. And if you can’t easily fix it, and if you can’t bring yourself to turn it off, then you know you’re choosing to bear the weight and your shoulders and thus it’s much easier to deal with. It becomes just another job to take care of, just another burden among all the rest of your burdens. Best to acknowledge, I believe this 100%. But I don’t have the time nor the resources lately to do all of these things at once, it seems, and to an extent I’m losing this aspect of myself most because it’s not particularily easy to keep up a strong enough shell of introspection to understand exactly where you are all the time when you’re as busy as I’ve been. Frustrating. But perhaps fitting. I don’t necessarily blame people in this mindset as much anymore. But at the same time, I still blame them (as I blame me) for not finding enough time to keep themselves at a sort of inner peace; at a sort of inner cohesion. I’m a broken record lately. I’m chugging along in my rut…
Much like the man in this story. I never thought I’d relate to him as much as I relate to the woman…and in many ways I don’t want to be able to. But I am. Whether I like it or not I’m continuing to branch out and open up and to understand a great many people, even those of self-defeating mindsets I don’t care much for. Though at the same time I’m learning that a lot of my sweeping judgements (such as people who work a great deal all ignore their problems) aren’t exactly true. There are exceptions to everything. But at any rate, I’m in a dark mood so here’s a dark story.
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It’s three in the morning and I’m in the process of figuring out how good it feels to be dead. The streets are slick with rain, and the streetlights are reflecting off the pavement like God wants every manhole cover to have a halo. A block down Locust Street, I can see a car pulling out from a turn. I can read the license plate from here -I never could have done that when I was alive. At the end of the street I can see the trees in Rittenhouse Square, and I swear I can count every leaf and every bead of water on each one.
I can see it all and it’s so beautiful.
I can see him, too. He’s wearing a tan trenchcoat and carrying a closed-up black umbrella. I start walking toward the square, timing my pace so that I’ll bump into him at the crosswalk. Now I can see the streaks of gray in his hair, the lines on his face. He looks about 40, a little tired of life but still chugging along in his rut. His pace is steady, mechanical. I move faster.
He suddenly stops and looks up at the clearing sky. Maybe he’s looking for an answer through the bare branches of the park’s trees. Myabe he’s just got the instinct that screams “Predator!” It doesn’t matter. I’m close now… 20th Street, 19th-
He turns from the sky and starts walking again. His eyes meet mine from a block away and I think he knows. He doesn’t stop again, though. He doesn’t turn away. And I see the pain and the hope and the history written on his face, every last moment of a life that’s about to end, and I fall in love with him.
I fall in love this way every night, and every evening I wake up with a broken heart again. There’s no one to blame but me, though. No one to blame but me.
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Yay for vampire stories. I still relate more to the predator, though. Predatory…is that a good word to describe me? It very well could be, though I’m not sure many realize it. There’s definately something about me that goes under the radar with most people. It’s almost as if it’s natural for me to fit in immediately nowadays…and none of them have a clue that I’m chaining up all sorts of violent demons inside. None of them have a clue I’m capable of, I’m fairly sure, very extreme violence. It’s like no one has a clue of the burdens I carry…I swear I must seem like the one ‘safe’ guy for all the girls. They all talk to me, they all trust me pretty quickly. Ugh, I feel so terrible. I’m not a good guy and nobody believes me. Everything just thinks I’m a sweetheart with a bad past that sometimes makes me worry. But it’s more than worry. It doesn’t go away and even though I haven’t let it out for a long long time, I know it’s still there because it tries to. My darkness operates on an almost impulsive level, like it’s part of me, and that fucking scares me. And it upsets me too (feeding into that dark side) that deep down I know I’ll probably never have the happy life I want, the happy ending and loving relationship that I’ve been pushing for for such a long time now. I think people see i
t as time goes on and then they second-guess themselves and just back down subconciously…it’s easy to not see for a long time…but as you get to know me better and better it’ll sometimes show. And it’s terrifying. But is it all bad? It sickens me, but no, it’s not. There’s an incredible amount of strength and power in my dark side. I’ll never succumb to anything if I ever should rely on that…but I’d do terrible things to people at the same time. And I wouldn’t care. That’s almost like losing yourself, I think. Predatory…I hope that my delving into the nature of life and into the nature of what it is to be human and to be me will help me find some more answers about why I possess this demon that I do. I’d like very much to be rid of it. And on a great many levels I’m not even sure that it’s even me. My natural state of mind is very different than that….I remember what I was like when I was very little. And it’s not that. And it’s not just anger either…it’s passive, it’s intelligent and it’s very evil. It’s not me as I was and quite possibly not me as I’m supposed to be either. Maybe it’s not of me at all….maybe demons of sorts actually do exist as well. Perhaps in time I’ll find answers as I search.
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As for now, I think I’m going to cultivate sadness a bit. I cannot allow my anger to keep coming to fore (and at the same time I cannot deny it either because it’ll just pick up steam) and the best way to do this is by counter-acting it with sadness. Ever wonder why I seem so sad so often? That’s because I am. That’s because on some levels I encourage it…better to be sad and recuperate your strength than to slowly lose the struggle to my (is it really mine?) darker side. Not exactly sure how to go about that, actually. I don’t have much to be sad about. All of the things that matter are still in place, even despite the stupid lil fight I had (and probably started, stupidly, of course) recently. Eh. Maybe sadness isn’t the answer for now. I don’t know how I can cultivate it and remain true to who I am right now. But talking to a friend, perhaps things aren’t as messed up as they seem…here’s a transposition from somewhere in the middle:
Halcyon Glaze: it’s not just apathy
Halcyon Glaze: it’s outright violence
Halcyon Glaze: it’s fucked up man
Halcyon Glaze: it’s extremely fucked up
Xiro Ian: yeah, trust me, I’ve been there, but I got that out of my system early, for the most part, and I’m coming to realize that
Xiro Ian: no man, I get it
Xiro Ian: more than you realize
Xiro Ian: when I was still living at home, I got that way a lot
Xiro Ian: I had a knife in my room that I gave serious consideration, I mean I was two steps out the door, to using, on more than on occasion
Xiro Ian: but then after a time, I would step back, almost appaled at myself
Xiro Ian: and think’ was that really ME just then?”
Xiro Ian: because it stood in such stark contrast to who I normally am
Xiro Ian: but that came out a lot when I lived at home
Xiro Ian: I worked it out.
Xiro Ian: No lie, for a few days, I’m convinced I went nuts.
Xiro Ian: my parents wanted to call the cops on me, when the finally caught me doing it
Halcyon Glaze: Mmm..
Xiro Ian: I sat with my face in a pillow for two three days
Xiro Ian: screaming at the top of my lungs
Xiro Ian: crying, screaming, growling, looking back, it kind of scared me
Xiro Ian: but since then
Xiro Ian: I feel…different, like that is miles behind me, I don’t even yell out of anger anymore, as I used to, but then , some of that can simply be attributed to simple growth as a person, but I can feel that deep down, a lot of it can be traced back there.
Xiro Ian: but then that, is me
Xiro Ian: you, on the other hand, while similar in some aspects, are a different critter in your own right
Halcyon Glaze: well yes ;P
Xiro Ian: so the question is now, without sadness, what now will you turn to?
Halcyon Glaze: I don’t know
Halcyon Glaze: heh
Halcyon Glaze: tis always been my way of deflecting.
Xiro Ian: and more importantly, I think, what will you learn from it
Halcyon Glaze: no idea.
Halcyon Glaze: I’m not the best at controlling it, so I have no idea
Halcyon Glaze: at the same time, my stress level is way down from when it first came ’round
Halcyon Glaze: hrm
Xiro Ian: you be surpised how much your emotions can be effected with you even knowing about it.
Xiro Ian: simple little things, location, changes in eating habits, sleep habits,
Xiro Ian: tiny little miniscule facets of the everyday
Xiro Ian: can add up to unexplained and quite real discontent
Halcyon Glaze: yeah
Halcyon Glaze: I know that
Halcyon Glaze: I usually watch myself pretty closely
Halcyon Glaze: FAR more than most. Mostly because of this, hah.
Halcyon Glaze: hrm
Halcyon Glaze: why doesn’t it come up anymore?
Halcyon Glaze: for you.
Xiro Ian: the pure unbridled rage like that? in a way I can’t handle.
Xiro Ian: good question.
Xiro Ian: I’ve done my best to breed it out of myself, but I will admit, it still comes up from time to time, but nothing like it used to
Xiro Ian: like the night my car died and I thought I was going to be on the street again, I was fuming, but then a little simple thing held me in check
Xiro Ian: my friend was in the kitchen crying because he thought I was going to kill him for crashing my car.
Xiro Ian: literally KILL HIM
Xiro Ian: and that made me have to step back and think, why would he even consider such a thing?
Halcyon Glaze: Mmm
Xiro Ian: came to me all to clearly enough, he knew me long enough that he’d seen me like that before.
Xiro Ian: I never wanted to be like that again, so I work it out of myself in little ways now, I guess.
Xiro Ian: bitter sarcasm helps, lol
Halcyon Glaze: lol
Xiro Ian: but deep down, I honestly couldn’t tell you
Xiro Ian: I’m going to have a good long think about that now, because nothing bugs me more then when I can’t figure out why I work teh way I do
Halcyon Glaze: heh
Halcyon Glaze: yeah, no shit man. Im the same way.
Xiro Ian: well, I can tell you that the most mellow period of my life up until today was when I was in martial arts every other day.
Xiro Ian: NOTHING phased me then
Xiro Ian: not a damn thing
Xiro Ian: probably because every ounce of negativity I had got released during training, without fial
Xiro Ian: fail, rather
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Perhaps there’s a connection with the mindset and not expressing yourself physically? Hrm. I’m not sure, we didn’t get much further than that. But even just that, some comraderie in it helps. If he can do it than I probably can too. I’m pretty damn too. Either way, it’s good to have friends similar to you who you can count on. I was struck especially with this line, just before the things I posted when I started talking about it and asking if I should just quit because it’s drama-riffic:
Xiro Ian: nah, you are always there to listen when I talk about my problems, and I note that I honestly feel a bit better when I’m done with it
Xiro Ian: having simply put it in the open
Xiro Ian: having pre
sented it before someone else
Xiro Ian: so I’lll encourage you to continue, if anything
That’s awesome. It’s very good to have an extremely small percentage of friends who are extremely akin to you whom understand the things you’re talking about because they, too, have experienced it. And you don’t have to worry about talking about it or getting rideculed because it’s not like that with them; we’re brothers of a very deep sort, having come from the same place. King/Jeremy was one such and Ian is another. I’m lucky to have met people like them. Very. The conversation really helped, actually (though I kinda just stopped writing this entry to have it, blahhh).
And then…we talk about my looking at MIT and attempting to mathematically prove beyond a doubt conciousness memory (this is the term I’ve decided on for the idea of spiritual memory I spoke about before). Fun night. In some ways, maybe it was better I got woke up. I’m a better person for talks like this; some people can give me so much heart and inner strength just by talking with me. Screw giving in and screw being so angry. I’m better than this, I can be something much more amazing than that. I know this. I just need to be reminded once in a while because I’m way too forgetful for my own good, haha.
Lol, and his girlfriend just called down to him “What are you doing down there?” His reply was “Oh, just talking about the nature of life. Turning the world on it’s head, well, trying to.” Lol, that’s hilarious….because it’s true. Nothing quite like examining the nature of life. 😛
And now he hits me with the Tao. I hit him with the Kabbalah, he hits me with the Tao. I <3 my friends. Here it is, I found it very interesting:
All mankind’s troubles on the Earth are caused by his having forgotten the Great Way. Remembering the Great Way is a spiritual awareness of one’s deep connection with the original principle that gave rise to and continues to organize everything in this universe. This involves the adoption a mode of ‘non-action’ that is not inaction but rather a harmonisation of one’s personal will – otherwise tending towards egoism – with the natural harmony and justice of Tao.
And another:
All things arise from Tao. They are nourished by Virtue. They are formed from matter. They are shaped by environment. Thus the ten thousand things all respect Tao and honour Virtue. Respect of Tao and honour of Virtue are not demanded. But they are in the nature of things. Therefore all things arise from Tao. By Virtue they are nourished, developed, cared for, sheltered, comforted, grown and protected. Creating without claiming; doing without taking credit; guiding without interfering – this is Primal Virtue. The great Tao flows everywhere, both to the left and to the right. The ten thousand things depend upon it; it holds nothing back. It fulfils its purpose silently and makes no claim. It nourishes the ten thousand things. And yet is not their lord. It has no aim; it is very small. The ten thousand things return to it, yet it is not their lord. It is very great. It does not show its greatness, And is therefore truly great.
And another:
The greatest virtue is to follow Tao and Tao alone. The Tao is elusive and intangible. Oh, it is intangible and elusive, and yet within is image. Oh, it is elusive and intangible, and yet within is form. Oh, it is dim and dark, and yet within is essence. This essence is very real, and therein lies faith. From the very beginning till now its name has never been forgotten. Thus I perceive the creation. How do I know the ways of creation? Because of this.
Stunning, is it not? It’s exactly the same expression of the force of God. Different words, yes, but it’s the same expression….from east to west, it’s the same damn thing. Stunning. I need to look more into the Tao, I think. Understand the principles more deeply. The simple fact that the Tao seems to be described and acts and reacts very very much like the creationary force of God…and that it was recognized by two completely different cultures in similar ways and on similar levels. Hrm. There is definately much for me to learn, there.