Blog #16

I came home today hoping to research into netzach some and start organizing research into the nature of the collective unconcious, ancestral recall and the persistance of memory. A mostly scientific one with some side-dabblings into the philosophy and other thoughts behind the occurance. It struck me today during class. I started drawing out the tree of life and labelling the parts and their symbolism. Then it hit me…fate, reincarnation, the tree encompasses these things too should they exist. So I started sketching the first thing that came to mind regarding these; memories. I believe I have also found the only two places it may come from. It does not come from binah, nor chokmah, no gevurah, nor chesed. These are all far more fundamental than such a specific thing; it has to be formed from the stuff up there, yes, but it’s not expressed via those. Likewise it cannot be hod; because those sorts of memories aren’t crystalized because of thought; they are far more instinctual. For the same reason it can’t be of netzach. Despite netzach encompassing feeling and passion and creativity, this sort of memory doesn’t spring from feeling even if it does express itself as a gut feeling in many, many ways. It’s also not malkuth because, quite simply, it’s a higher thing than something you can physically deal with. That leaves two possibilities; Keter and Yesod. They both have their weak points and they both have their strong points as far as the part that encompasses past memories. I was going to come home and study that today, but right now I’m too upset. I didn’t want to fight and I tried to avoid the fight by letting Jacinta know my last entry wasn’t an angry one and to just not worry about it, but it didn’t seem to work out that way and now we’re just bickering, once again for no reason. Honestly, right now I feel I was being true to her, if somewhat aggressive (though I don’t feel I was aggressing) and that if she has the problem with me not lying to her, then I’m better off just shutting up rather than fighting. Maybe I just need to stop talking about my feelings and suppress them like I used to; all they do is get me in trouble because people always seem to take them the wrong way, even when I tell them otherwise. *shakes his head* At any rate, I’m very upset today, as before. Yesterday it was because I hate the situation I’m in. Today it’s because I feel I’m just being toyed with. It’s just like it was when I was a kid…when I’d get angry about something (even if it was valid truthful anger, even if it was nonaggressive) and would show it I’d get slapped around for being upset until I forced a smile again. That’s bullshit. I’m allowed to be angry too; I wasn’t aggressing her, I was not insulting her at all, I was just angry and I was just speaking about what was bothering me. If she doesn’t want to hear it that’s fine, but she doesn’t need to insult me either…malicious? Where the hell did that come from? I’m sorry, Jacinta, but you can’t contest you did me wrong in some ways and I’m sorry but I’m not yet over that; I hate giving myself to someone and having them not back up on their word and my faith in them because it’s happened over and over again with all the most important people in the world, for me. I’ve JUST RECENTLY gotten completel over Jessy (I think) some 5ish months ago, it’ll take a long damn time before I get over you too. It’s going to bother me no matter what happens, no matter if you completely disappear, no matter if we talk on a daily basis, it’s going to come up from time to time because no matter what happens between us, I’m going to think of you every goddamn day because you’re still that girl I love and every so often I’m going to think of it and it’s going to bother the hell out of me. It’s just a fact of life; it makes me feel really bad, yes, but it’s not going to change me or the things I’m doing in a big way. It’ll be a bad day, I’ll be upset, and then it’ll go away. There’s nothing wrong nor anything malicious about expressing that. It hurts, yes, hurts both sides, even, but it’s much better out then in; I’m not allowing it to tear me up inside. It’s just not worth it. I need to rely on myself to keep stable and I’m going to. End of story.

Now I sound like a broken record. Ugh. I hate the fact that it’s my place to remain loyal at times. I hate hurting…her words make the hurting from remembering hurt a thousandfold…why can’t she just trust me? I guess I don’t blame her. I’m not particularily trustworthy and I’ve proven that already. I wouldn’t trust myself either. She deserves someone better than me. Even just reacting like this….that’s fucked up. I’m outclassed. She’s out of my league; I’ve known this for a long time. Why would she ever want anyone like me? I’m not smart, I’m not rich, I’m not capable, I’m not even in her class of people. I’m not remotely like her outside of personal morals, outlooks and decisions. That’s a huge thing, yes, we’re totally on the same key on nearly every important issue (possibly every). We just extend towards those things in different ways. We’re totally different classes. Like two warriors of the blade, the difference between a fencer who uses swift precise movements to skillfully kill an opponent and a knight who uses overpowering strokes to physically overpower an opponent. Total opposites moving to achieve the same things. Who knows, maybe we were meant for each other because she needed to see a dark side to achieve the things she’s going to and Whoop-Dee-Doo, there I am. Way to go. Here I am to walk you through it, amplify it some, and to help you get through in one piece. At least I did that. Perhaps that’s all I am; a guide. That would explain my intense attachment to her so I wouldn’t abandon her while she was in the depths. She says she believes she could’ve come back at any time if she wanted because ‘happy is my natural state’ but I think she severely underestimates how much darkness can sap the soul if you’re alone. With constant love and caring that sort of darkness will never completely consume you and as long as you have at least that, there is hope for pushing out of it. It’s funny that in dealing with those things with her I, myself pulled out of that. Maybe she was meant to, for lack of a better word, liberate me from that as I was to make sure she never went that deep. That would make sense for both of our halves, would it not? I think it would. Not that there aren’t other answers and that I really don’t know. It seems to be a good possibility at this point though, considering that we still fight nowadays…

Unless it’s because we still both hurt about the issue so much. Maybe it bothered her because she’s just as extremely touchy about it as I am and even with a warning is unable to stifle the pain from remembering. I’m the same way with her, it’s fucked up. It’s the only thing I’m not sure I’m capable of turning off because it’s so natural to hurt over the smallest accusations from her because I still hold her up so high, because I still feel and think she’s absolutely amazing. Either way, it’s fucked up and I hate fighting for no reason and for no point. And I’m sounding like a broken record. Again. I do that a lot lately. I question myself, too. Is it because these are things I really truly believe in on a logical level and thus come to the same conclusion over and over, or is it because I’m stuck in a rut, still chugging along but being

too dumb to realize it? Ugh, someone stab me please, I’m ready to go out for the night.