Blog #10

Rode around with bill today. Went looking for locations to shoot. Wasn’t such a bad trip (except for the fact tha that we didn’t have enough hard cash on us to catch the bus back from the airport (that’s where we ended up, in the end) so I had to pay for a taxi with my visa. Which wasn’t bad. I liked the guy…a very courteous black driver. He was awesome. Seriously…. I <3 taxi drivers. They've always been good to me so far, no matter which city I'm in. I probably tip them the best out of everyone I tip, too.

But anyway, we found the woods and the field we were looking for…now we just need to scout the woods for an appropiate spot. But perhaps a park is a better choice. Hrm. We will see. At any rate, that’s what we did. We ended up checking out the airport stores and I started seeing flashes of Jacinta again. That’s the first time since that one time in class where I dazed off for a second and then turned to look back towards the front and there was like her turning towards me with a lil swing of her hair and then it was suddenly gone. Hrm. Lots of minor one’s at the airport, at any rate. I wonder how long airports are going to bother me like that. It’s very….I don’t know the word for it. Frustrating? Irksome? Yes and no…it’s not really bad. But it’s like letting down your hopes in some way, I suppose. Bothersome.

The bus was likewise ‘frustrating’ in that aspect. There was this guy, looked spanish but not very tanned and he was holding this baby, a tiny little thing, newborn I’m pretty sure. Not new, newborn. But like a week or two old newborn. It looked just like our baby (from the dream, we don’t actually have a baby) and the memories of the dream all came back. I wouldn’t want to hold him, even, because you feel like you’re going to break him. Way too small and fragile. Don’t trust me with it. Yes, I thought it and not him. Yes, I realize the fallacy of that. Shushie. But at any rate it was an experience of sorts. The baby was so calm and mellow and he was looking around without any sort of fear, just like ours did. Then the guy moved back next to his wife/girlfriend (she looked spanish too) and handed the baby to her and put his arm around her. That reminded me a lot of us in the dream, too. But mostly of our baby rather than us, because the focus at that time wasn’t on us or any of that but rather the baby. I’m probably breaking some sort of rules by even recalling things like that, let alone talking about them, but I guess I don’t really care right now. It was an interestingly powerful moment (especially considering it was just a dream, one I only had once, even though it was extremely, extremely vivid and long). Ugh, I don’t even want kids, not really. They’re too fragile and need so much attention. I don’t really want to deal with really small babies, I just don’t. 3 and up, cool, but not the teeny ones. They’re too easy to break. >_< Way too easy. I'd worry entirely too much and I'd much rather just not doing that. Screw that.

And now I go out on a limb and probably break a few more rules. There was a small lapse in the silence after I wrote the reincarnation entry. We talked about that sort of thing, particularily fate. It was…an interesting conversation at the very least. I learned quite a bit more about her as a person, despite the fact that neither of us really explained everything (we mostly just intuited and understood each other as we often do). She told me she thought and felt exactly the same thing…which actually means a lot to me, for various reasons. For one it means that, if nothing else, we’re on the same page and if we are, then that means I’m not fucking crazy for considering that or thinking that. Actually, it took my ‘potentially possible’ philosophic standpoint (that I was going to think about more to decide my feelings permanently) into something quite a bit more like a preliminary belief to mould some and develop into something more powerful. Perhaps I needed to hear it from someone that I wasn’t totally crazy for considering that to really start believing it. I’m a pretty decent believer in that you need to be able to present enough facts to another person so that they at least can see you’re logical and not just making things up (or going mad) when you talk about things that aren’t obviously true. The simple fact that someone else really helped in that now I don’t think so much like I’m out on a limb, nor am I just making false conclusions…maybe I really do have something here.

Especially because she feels that way. Especially especially, because she is, right now, the biggest thing for me that represents a potential representation of that concept in my own life. A lot of the relationship aspects between me and her just don’t seem to be explainable…especially how we’re so close and how we can intuite things about each other and how we occaisionally come up with the same damn thing the other believes in strongly without realizing it’s the same thought, the same breath that the other one breathes. It’s really really hard to explain. We didn’t date all THAT long. I dated Jessica longer and we didn’t have this. I’ve been around my mother for a long time, a LONG time, and she can’t intuite me like this (or even close to this, for that matter) and she’s a smart woman too. Perhaps it really was something extremely special, even more so than just having an incredible relationship. Maybe it really was/is something more, something a bit like fated love. It’d fit a lot of other pieces to the puzzle in nicely.

It’d explain some of my dreams (and perhaps some of hers), especially the vivid ones. See, I’ve always had occaisonally very weird dreams. Usually my dreams are in color and all the senses are engaged, but for these ones it’s different. It’s not just kinda somewhat realistic in a hazy environment, it’s real. I’ve had many…most of them pertain to fighting and war. I knew what an old military saddle looked like before I knew what a military saddle was, let alone that style. I saw and felt and breathed in the those times so realistically that I couldn’t actually tell that I wasn’t awake…I remembered names and places and why and things, even though I can’t remember them once i wake up…perhaps it’d give those dreams a place. A past life that my own God-Essence has lived and remembers. Something inherantly a part of me and what I am at the core of my being. And perhaps…it’d explain a very small handful of the dreams I’ve had of Jacinta, too. Assuming we really were fated as lovers…then the dream about the ship (
Click here to read entry #32, the one about the dream, if you want to.) Maybe it wasn’t just a dream, maybe it was a memory…maybe it’s our fate for us to deal with this sort of situation over and over again. Or perhaps it’s just because we were unlucky twice in the past and that that is how that particular life with each other played out. Maybe…that’s why we’re so connected…because we’ve had ages to gain that connection so much more deeply than I am to everyone else I know. Now I’m stretching, haha. But it was just so vivid, there was so much to it; it really was like I was reliving the days, day by day, emotion by emotion. But at the same time it couldn’t have taken place all that long ago….it wasn’t more than 50 years ago as far as the age everything was set in. Co

uld it really have been so recent? And if it happened, does she remember it too? If she doesn’t am I just stretching? Argh, it’s such a complex situation and the hell of it is that I know I’m never going to have any sort of reassurance about the totality or finality of it because, as we already well know, if we do reincarnate we don’t have the memories at our beck and call.

Mmm…so I’m stumped while I roll this over and over in my mind and examine it from various angles. In a lot of ways I guess it doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t. Either way I’m still going to feel how I do about her and I’m still going to react the way I’m going to because of that. But at the same time the thought and the realization that this is a damn good way of explaining us and the depth of relationship really amplifies those feelings for her and my resoluteness to be what she wants/needs me to be. Think think think…I’ll probably continue to consider this subject until I think of a likely conclusion. If anything worthwhile comes up I’ll ramble again. Because I like to. Bitches. Bitches !