Angelicus

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DqUb3L1IRYA&mode=related&search=

Interesting video. It really puts some form to a lot of the things I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been thinking about nuclear warfare entirely far too much I think. I’m not even sure why. On one hand I definately see it eventually happening and the majority of people being killed, much like the video. But if that happens and I’m still alive, what does that chance? I already feel very much like those children in the video as it is, in particular the little girl. It would be absolutely no different from where I am now except that my situations and experiences will be much more different and much more literal. Instead of worry about paying rent and getting my loans and passing school and getting to where I want to be in life I’m going to be worrying about fresh water, food, and which way I’m travelling. Same thing but different faces. Why travel? Because, if I survive, I’m going to find Jacinta. I’m going to go home to Amy first and then I’m going to find Jacinta. A daunting task, to be sure. I know just how huge this continent is because I’ve driven acrossed it a couple times. But it’d be worth it.

I wonder if I’d go alone the whole way. I can’t see that happening the whole time, not the whole time. And I’m sure there would be people who stayed in the towns who would be willing to take me in and to help me. I’d work if I had to for food so I could continue going. And maybe for a horse, too. A horse could make the journey much easier. I’d make it eventually. It might be very hard to dodge the radiation zones though….oh well. I’d make it. I wouldn’t let myself die on the way there. I’d even do it if I had to go right through one. Heh. Of course I’d try to go around, but if I had to go through one I would. So no matter where she is, I’m going to find her. Even if it takes years to do it. So really what’s so bad about that? My problems would be more literal but I like things more literal, more obvious. And my feelings of being left behind, of being on the outside, of being on my own with a small group of people akin to me, I already feel like that. I already dream of better places and see beauty in my dreams and in the things I see, I already see the dead and the decay and the dying and it doesn’t scare me. So how would it be any different if I were to see it more often, more literally? I don’t think it really would be.

And then there’s the more-likely scenario. The scenario that, if the nukes come, I’m going to be hit and I’m going to die. Well then I’m dead, what does it matter then? I’ve felt ready to die for a good many years now; I don’t remember a recent time when death scared me. I really don’t. When I was 7, when I was 9, yeah. But it wasn’t much after those years that I came to grips with it and stopped minding death and started welcoming it in my own way. I still wouldn’t feel too bad to die now. So then that shouldn’t bother me.

So why do I think about it all the time? I know it bothers me, but I don’t know why it bothers me. The prospect of a hard life doesn’t bother me. The prospect of death doesn’t bother me. Maybe it’s because I might survive while others I loved didn’t. That would bother me. Maybe that’s why I think about it all the time. Mmm….I guess that would make sense.