#99

You can close your eyes it’s over now
It’s over now
You can close your eyes it’s over

Baby, baby, baby
Make a wish
Tell me have you ever been afraid like this?
(It’s over now)

I’ve seen it watching me
That misty thing
Without a face
It weaves my thoughts
Lined them up in black lace
It buries my shape
And leaves no trace

Tomorrow I will have no shame
And I will start again
Make a wish
Tell me have you ever felt alone like this
(Over now)

Better do it, sure
Just wishing
I could move in some more

Tomorrow I will have no shame
And I will start again

Make a wish
(You can close your eyes it’s over now)
Baby I have never been afraid like this
(You can close your eyes it’s over now)
Make a wish

I took off my shoes
I took off my face
And then I undid the buttons on my dress
(I will start again)

Make a wish
(You can close your eyes it’s over now)
Tell me have you ever been exposed like this
(Maybe we could savour that now)
Baby, baby, baby
Feels like a kiss
(You can close your eyes and start again)
I bet you never thought that I could feel like this

Tomorrow I will have no shame
Tomorrow I will have no shame
Make a wish

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I see things when I close my eyes sometimes. I see things, feel things when I let go of my body and reach out in another way. Sometimes when I close my eyes I see things that couldn’t possibly be real outside of the fact that I’m seeing them, outside of the fact that I’m touching them having them there before me. I can always tell when such a moment is happening, I always look forward to it and understand from the very beginning. The beginning is always the same. It is much like taking in your very first breath. It is the feeling when you have when you hold your breath for a minute or two underwater and take that first amazing breath of oxygen after you surface. It is the icy blast hitting your lungs when you step outside into negative fourty degree weather after being in the warm house for hours. It is that feeling of freshness, that feeling of sharpness and starkness in your lungs. It is these two things, but is that chilly stab of stepping out into the freezing chill most of all. That sharp intake of breath that leaves you breathless for a few seconds. That is what tells me where I am. Then I open my eyes. It’s always slow at first, deliberate. It is knowing and understanding and being ready to accept. It is nothing else but that. Slow, deliberate, understanding. I feel these two things every time I see the things that I see if they are truly meaningful. I think that it is important to distinguish that there is a huge difference between these moments and daydreaming. My daydreams often hold their own meaning, too, but the moments I talk about now…they are much more than daydreams. They are most definately something more. In some ways I wonder if they are visions. They seem like they are.

And there is one other, too. One that wouldn’t constitute a vision. It’s merely another intelligent, logical reaching out of self. It’s as simple as opening your eyes and looking around you and taking in the environment around you for what it is, as what it is. This one, too, though, involves seeing with eyes beyond my own. I close my eyes, reach out and I see. I see more than just the things around me, I see things beyond all that. When I look there I see flecks of green and blue floating, swirling and moving all around. Some are more concentrated than others….life. They are life. Life in all living things is stronger than in others. But there is life to dead things, too. It’s a different sort of life but there is life there, too. I see it. And there is life, too, in the things that aren’t there at all. Even in the absence of things there is life, there is essence swirling, floating. I reach out and try to touch it but my hand always misses and I snap back into the physical world. I reach out and try to touch the inside of the dead things around me and I try to feel and touch their essence and my hand is always stopped before I reach it. I reach inside and try to touch myself….and I can. It’s a weird feeling, feeling your own self scything through yourself. Not unpleasant necessarily, but odd. The warmth, too. You can do amazing things. I wonder if you can do that, too, with other people. I wonder if I could do that with Jacinta. I always wanted to reach out and touch her soul to mine to see what would happen, to see what it’d be like. I always wanted to do that with Jessica, too. While Jessica and I are so different on the outside, underneath we’re not different at all. So would be the same underneath, too? And am I as right about Jacinta and myself as I believe I am? I don’t feel you can hide or misrepresent yourself when you’re on that level…you’d see the truths for what they really are. In those rare moments of clarity I see myself, too, for what I really am. For what I really am supposed to be. I wonder what they are supposed to be. I wonder why we love each other. I wonder why our loves all had to be seperated.