#93

“A man who wants nothing is invincible.”

Piece by piece my personal puzzle is fitting itself, shaping itself back into the sort of person I used to be. Not completely, no, I’m still holding on to the things that’ve been shaping me lately and the entire tone of my outlook is wildly different. But I’m still slipping back into the person I once. It feels good in many ways to know that I am beginning to be strong again. The reason behind this is clear. I no longer want anything. I’m once again shifting back into the island-state I was so used to being as a child. Never needing anything…never even necessarily wanting anything…there’s such power in that. So much strength that I don’t think I could describe it to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.

I feel my sheet of armour, my invincibility coming back. But it’s not as flawed as it was before. This time I’m not hiding from anything, nor is there anything eating away at me. Yes, I still instinctively try to push myself down but that’s nothing more than a minor problem to fix. It doesn’t dominate me. It’s not tearing me up. It’s more of an annoyance. It’ll be eliminated in due time. Such things always are in their time.

God it feels good. The privilege and power to know that if you want to be happy you can be happy, that if you want to feel sad you can feel sad. The privilege to feel the way you want to and the belief in yourself so that you don’t have to worry about what others say nor what they want you to be. Just you being you.

It feels like I’m getting back to my roots. Without want, where am I as a person? Some might say that’s not possible. But they couldn’t be more wrong. What do I want right now? Honestly I want nothing. I feel urges towards things, yes, but there is a definate difference between these urges and wants; a very fine line that is rarely, if ever, made. A want is a mental desire, a thoughtful “I want this so I can do this or have this. ” I have urges, which are different. They’re deeper, they come from a totally different level. Hunger is such an urge, usually. They’re more about being in touch with yourself and your environment than anything else. They’re not thought-out or planned like wants are. I feel no wants. I merely feel urges right now and therein lies my strength. To me, now, is merely a matter of analyzing and understanding my urges, understanding what my body and my spirit is telling me and to follow those things.

That’s what matters. My following those things. What need do I have of these things? What need do I have for technology, for society’s games, for anything? I have no need at all for them; they do not dominate me. They’re just things, that’s all. Just things. The parts of life that really matter are not things, they’re much more important than that. They’re life. They’re spirits and they’re feelings.

My heart pushes me towards them and I will follow it and be true. No matter what people tell me, no matter who supports me. No matter if even the people I care about most tell me to do otherwise. This is bigger than them right now. I can feel it.