#88

I asked myself today, even though your relationship with Jacinta is essentially nothing more than a temporary friendship until she gets over the bump, would you still be willing to go to jail for her? Is she still worth going through all that if you have to? Would you hate her if you had to? And I answered fairly quickly….yes. Yes I would. It’s not a question of whether or not I’m willing, I don’t really want to and I never will. It’s a question of whether or not I love her and if I’m willing to go through whatever for that love.

I most definately love her still. So the answer would be yes, I would be willing to. Thinking deeper on it, I think I’d be willing to for the rest of my life because I love her and there’s no reason why I would stop. I love Jessy in a similar way and I would be willing for her, too, except for the fact that she’s not connected to my life and Jacinta is right now, so I wouldn’t simply because I love Jacinta too and she’s more important because she’s still in my life. Not because I love her more, it’s not a matter of more, my love for the two is uncomparable, I love them both in different ways even if they’re really similar. But the fact of the matter is simple; I love them both with all my heart and I’d do whatever for em. No question.

So I’m not sure jail would even bother me. I’d try to get access to a piano or an electric piano and teach myself how to write music and how to play…and how to express myself in that way since no one would ever come to visit me and I wouldn’t have a way to express myself if I was put there. So I’d need it and music is my best way to express myself anyway. So I’d learn to play the sad songs that I adore so much. And I think that I might even learn to love that, too. There’s more than one way to become close to her, I don’t have to actually be with another person to be close. And she wouldn’t abandon me either, I’d still feel her call and I could be able to write and express and become something more and more even in a world completely devoid of female influence. Since when did I need women anyway? Maybe it’d be better for me even…to just do little but play and write and work on myself. Ha…wouldn’t that be funny? Jacinta would move on in time and forget me but I’d remember and I would play for her and for love and even though the notes would never fall upon her ears, they’d still be played no matter what. The thought makes me smile….although it’s a sad smile. Isn’t that what I’m going to be doing anyway as it is? Why do I need to be jailed for that to happen. Haha, all in good time, son, it’ll all come in good time. Just feel, just listen to your eyes as they hold back the tears, you understand, now make that understanding something more, make it something so that others will understand and feel exactly what you do.

I already am.