#83

i.e. #82 continued.

As I was e-mailing a loved one and as I was talking to some of my pseudo-friends, I began to think seriously on where I was as a person last night. I began to write and I wrote for quite a long time. What came out of that was my last entry #82. After I had finished writing, unlike normally, I didn’t stop thinking about what was bothering me. Because it still did. So I continued to think into my sleep. I started to reexamine recurring themes, recurring ideas and states of mind for myself. I’ve noticed some more and I noticed something else important too that I don’t think I realized at the time.

One of the more-recent recurring themes for me is losing my teeth. I keep dreaming about that in some way. I actually wrote about one such dream on here, I believe. I had another one last night as well as the night before. The ony last night was losing the molar just behind my upper left canine tooth. What significance does that have? I’m honestly not sure. But it’s happening over and over, the likelihood that it’s just a random occurance is getting smaller and smaller. Yeah, random things happen in dreams. But when they happen across five, six, seven dreams, then you should look into what the meanings might be because then they’re almost obviously significant.

Another thing is I’m masking terribly efficiently during the day and I’m really well-liked and respected at class for it. I don’t really feel bad for it either, it suits my ends for making other people happy. I like seeing someone else smile. Usually makes me smile too, an honest one and not the fake ones I often come to school with. Or are they so fake? I tell myself I like my school and I tell others that too and talk about how awesome it is, but do I really think that way? In a lot of ways I think I do. And the thing is, that’s something I continually use to bounce myself up. So maybe my acting excited and upbeat isn’t completely masking at all. Perhaps I’m just masking my being as upset as I am underneath it all. That seems to be an important recurrance as well.

I’m starting to put others in front of me emotionally. It used to be something I only did with my girlfriends and loves, but not so much anymore. I’m doing it with others too, like I keep unconciously trying to do that over being mean to him when I’m pissed at him. I just bitch to myself and feed the anger that way, satisfy it and let it go. No, it’s not like feeding it and pushing it under, it’s NOT ignoring the emotion; it’s giving the emotion the time it wants and then letting it go again and letting things go back to the way they were before. Big difference. It’s not so noticible with others, but it’s definately noticible in my relationship with Bill. We’ve still kept a good relationship and a caring one even despite having fights. That’s really important to me. It happens with others, too, though. The whole thing with kt and Kelley probably wouldn’t have happened the way it did because of that if I had been getting so upset with the situations that seem to continually come up with them and if I hadn’t decided to slowly let go of them….the opportunity came up to just get rid of that in one swoop so I just did it. Even if it meant being a really terrible person and a really terrible friend. That’s disgusting, isn’t it? Doing what suits your purposes. But I don’t dislike either of them, I think that Kelley is misguided, yeah, but she has a lot of potential if she rights herself. Kt is really amazing too, she’s an awesome person. She just assumes a bit much and it can cause a lot of trouble.

Another recurrance is that people still don’t understand me. I’m trying to be more and more open and understandable to others so things like the drama I just spoke about doesn’t happen so much, so that people trust me when I say something rather than assume other things. But even talking about myself, even letting myself be known and, hopefully, understood, people still assume that I’m one of the normal sheep in the crowd, albeit one more thoughtful than the rest of the flock. They still think I’m arrogant despite my frowning on myself far more than anyone else because I know I should be capable of better. It’s probably my choice of words more so than my actually feelings towards others. Ultimately I think that, now, I care more about others’ feelings more than my own most of the time. Only a rare occaision, like the aforementioned drama, do I intentionally put my own wants before theirs. People still think I’m a lot of other things, too. A liar is probably the one that burns most. Granted, it’s easy for me to make things seem bigger than they are, or smaller, and I still do it but I don’t like to actually lie. I keep catching myself doing small things of making up stupid excuses and I realize I do need to quit that. But overall I lie MUCH LESS than most people. I don’t lie about anything significant anymore. Only small technical things habitually (I generally don’t even notice til after the fact) like telling someone sorry, I was busy for not responding to pm even though I was just playing a game and I chose to pay attention to that over their latest bitching at me. That’s not very nice, but they never consider THAT to be the things I lie about. They assume that I’m lying about other things, that I’m just trying to be a manipulative prick. Maybe I’ll never really be understood. That bothers me.

I also realize that I’ve been reliabily unbalanced for basically the entire year now. I can’t keep myself balanced alone. It makes sense too. Once I looked back to my past I realized that I had always balanced myself off of things other than myself. Focusing on myself always brought up lots of problems and lots of memories that would severely unbalance me emotionally. To begin with my balances to ignore the myriad of things in my life were books and video games. Things that engaged my imagination that encouraged me to step into worlds totally different and foreign from the one I was leaving behind. After a while that started to switch into understanding and knowledges. Religion came as a phase too. Then I started to balance myself against my girlfriends, starting with Lindsey. Because she understood me, because she cared, because she’d actually help me deal with the actual physical problems of my life. When I came to my room cut up and beat up she’d make me feel better about it, almost proud even. Why did my lives all have to be in fantasy and in just concepts? Why can’t I be proud of who I really am right here? Lindsey helped me to be honestly. Then it went right down the line with Jessica, Kayti and Jacinta. And since breaking up with Jacinta I’ve been unbalanced. I simply don’t get that feeling from others, not generally. I’m not understood and I’m not trusted. Without being understood and trusted I’m not going to be balanced…because I’ll know I’m not being understood and that people don’t trust me because that’s transparent in how a person acts…and I’m going to not trust them in return. So how do I balance myself now? I don’t really. I focus on other things and other ideals to work on and I throw myself at them and I ignore the things that are bothering me. Thus I naturally swing back and forth because sometimes I HAVE to indulge my more-negative of emotions lest I really do something stupid. Will I ever find a balance again? I hope so. I wonder what it might be this time.

And, thinking about what I was writing towards the end of yesterday’s piece, I realized that…hey. I don’t need to worry at all about my killing myself or being baited towards that end. I don’t need to worry about that. I don’t need to be frightened of that end (and yes, it does scare me despite my attraction to it. It’s a weird attraction. Probably a really negative one, too, I think.) My wanting to help other people is going to overrule that one right there so I don’t have to be worried. I can’t help others if I’m dead, now can I? So whew, my whole being worried about that seems almost trivial actually knowing that I already have a new goal. This particular goal isn’t going to be one that’s going to break apart and die. How could it, really? It’s not specific enough. If I mess up with one person, well then there are millions more who I might be able to help. This desire isn’t a lofty amazing idea either. It’s not something where I’m reaching outside of my station either. It’s something way more fundamental than that. It’s something I myself want, so it’s something that I can always reach inside and touch….something I can always try to show other people. It’s so much deeper than just an aspiration. So it won’t die the death that my other fantastic dreams and desires will, it can’t, because it’s so engrained into my being that I don’t think I could ever get rid of it. And the simple fact that, now that I’ve removed all the other things covering it up, it’s shining and there will mean that, if I forget all my old dreams and aspirations, that this is going to continue to shine. This is not a construct I made up myself, this is a calling that shines back to the very childhood happiness I’m trying to bring myself back to. I’ve always liked helping people, I’ve always wanted to. So it’ll come back if I drop all my dreams and I already know that it’s far more powerful than my suicide-urge because the feeling you get when you know you’ve really given another person a lot and helped them out in ways no one else would is so much more….so much more than anything I can ever imagine suicide to be. So I don’t have to worry about that. That’s an amazingly huge load off my back, wow. I’m really glad I realized that or I’d be mulling about the suicide thing for weeks, believe me. I hadn’t been as bothered as that for quite a while. It’s sickening. I can’t get rid of that urge either, not completely it seems. I had thought I had. But no, I’m still goddamn attracted to it. So instead of covering it up this time, I’m going to acknowledge it and watch it. Better to know your enemies than to let them lurk under the radar.

It’s kind of odd that I remember all of this, too. I came to basically all of these conclusions last night….and it still all seems very clear. Hrm…so what do I do from here? Stop doing what I’m doing and do something new that achieves all those things but more. Stop doing what I’m doing here and find new ways to do things that’ll fix the problems with my old ways. And maybe…maybe I really do need to just let go of my dreams and operate on this lower level. I might be happier for it when I know the things I’m doing and feeling are real rather than just self-constructed hopes and delusions of grandeur.

Another very important thing is….I need to acknowledge and keep my lack of balance in check. It was a terrible mistake of me to let it grind underneath my conciousness by ignoring it….I shouldn’t be reacting without thinking like I have been the past two weeks. That’s terrible and wrong of me. To really help others you can’t be like that because you can easily destroy all the trust that’s been built up in one fell swoop like that. I have to be able to channel my frustrations and anger in more-positive ways and to constantly keep in mind that what I’m doing is for other people because they should be happy too. But at the same time I need to be aware of my own unhappiness so I can let it out and vent it so it doesn’t sneak into my actions and words. How the hell do I manage THAT though? I can write, definately. Writing what I did last night actually really helped….maybe I could just keep writing. But writing isn’t enough, I need to vent the emotion some other way as well. Perhaps it’s time to start working out mornings. Venting frustration by physical activity definately does help. Maybe that’s what I should do….any other ideas?