#82

Thinking back to the mirror, I’ve been considering myself and my life once again lately. For quite a long stretch there I hadn’t put much effort into that, not like I used to, but after a bit of time I realized I wasn’t and I’m once again looking towards that direction.

I’m disturbed at what I see. I’m slowly getting further and further out of touch with myself as well as with the things I care about. Slowly, piece by piece, I’m bottling the things that don’t bother me as well as the things that are most important to me and they’re beginning to twist and warp. All sorts of things, positive as well as negative.

Starting with my body. My body is extremely out of whack right now and that’s extremely disturbing. I can feel it and what’s more is that I haven’t been paying as much attention to it as I should’ve been. I’ve realized all along that there’s something wrong with it but I never took the time to look. Now I don’t even know where to begin. There’s something wrong with my stomach, something wrong with my eyes, something wrong with my stomach and definately something wrong with my blood/natural homeostasis. And possibly more. My body is still listening to me but it’s almost as a zombie-force, but it’s slowly wearing down, wearing down….and I’m so out of touch with it that I no longerk now what happened, nor how to fix it. It could very well be largely psychological…

Which is the most significant of my problems. I’ve been putting so much effort into acting happy and in being pleasant for the people around me that I’ve neglected the time to actually truly focus on myself. I’m becoming very much like the people I dislike so much; one who focuses more on emotions and whims than thought. I’m still ‘achieving’ in a lot of things I’m trying to do and improve myself in, the biggest one being backing out of net and my pseudo-addiction (only pseudo because I can easily just put it down if I wanted to. I’ve actually done it before so I know I can.) to it. Not just that, but to the people I’m friends with on the net as well. Too many of them are negative for my improvement and they continually have negative effects on me as a person and they keep pulling me back to where I was before. I’ve been putting thought into this and I think I realize why they’re finally doing that now despite the fact that they didn’t before. I lack a ground, I lack a personal balance and I cannot keep myself stable. I never really could, not really. I could always keep myself seemingly stable, I could always keep myself alive. But not stable. But not happy. There’s so much about myself that I dislike, hate even….and even though I’m getting better and better at liking myself and saying yeah, I can improve and do better, I don’t think I’ll ever overcome those things. They’re major fundamental hatreds and dislikes….people sometimes think I’m a hypocrite but I’m not; the things I dislike in others that I exhibit myself, I dislike myself for it too. Much more so, too, than I do them because I know I should be more capable than the average person. I should be capable of fixing that. Of changing those things. But the more and more I work at it the more and more I realize I’m never going to be able to touch my past nor the things that make me me; they’ll always be there. Will I always hate myself? Will I always be ungrounded like this when I’m alone? I think that I probably will be. I’m unstable and I know it right now…and even though I’ve been suppressing that to a HUGE extent, not only to keep it from those around me but also from me, myself, it’s been coming out lately. For the past two or three weeks the way I’ve been acting has been changing. I’m lashing out at people. I’m getting more aggressive. So far I haven’t actually done anything about that because, honestly, it suited the things I wanted. I wanted to back off of Kelley and our friendship and when she got angry at me for a stupid reason, rather then resolving it and being friendly, I got angry back and, even though I realized it, I think I probably destroyed that friendship two nights ago. Sure, it suited what I thought I needed and I needed to be away from her influence because all she’s going to do is corrupt me, but there are better ways of dealing with the situation outside of anger. Same with kt. She’s been frustrating me because she keeps telling our friends I’m jealous because she’s dating matt now and she told me I should stop being jealous. And I got angry with that and I snapped at her about it. Granted, I did have a good reason for that, I’ve been getting a helluva lot of flak over that, so I had a right to be angry, but the thing I did wrong was not get angry so much, but rather I allowed myself to kill the friendship. I told her exactly why I didn’t want her as well as some examples (I talk about Jacinta more than half the time I talk to you, do you really THINK I’m attracted to you? Do you really think I’m attracted to anyone if I talk about any particular girl that often? Use some common sense. -_-). And then after I explained that, actually fairly civilly in my opinion, I told her exactly why she was pissing me off. And then I told her not to worry about it. “I’m not going to care anymore, I’m not here for your drama, I’m here to loosen up and have fun, to chill out with fun people. I’m not here for this.” And she said she didn’t mean to upset me and that she wanted to keep being my friend and I ignored that. I didn’t say too much to that effect, and I don’t know if she realizes that yet, though, but personally I know that I ignored her and I’m still ignoring her wants. I’m tired of everyone stabbing me when I trust them rather than being loving and good to me. And I’m not going to put up with people who won’t be. I’m not going to be her friend anymore for that reason. THAT’S what I did wrong. Not so much the being angry, I had a right to be angry, but what I did was NOT loving, nor is it caring. That is, in so many ways, selfish as hell. And I’m losing a really exellent person as a friend for it, too. She’s not a bad person, I know she’s not, she’s probably just misguided over what she thinks I feel for her, but even so I’m unwilling to deal with that sort of social drama and deceit for her. I’d rather lose her than go the distance. What kind of friend am I? A shitty one, it seems. It makes sense, though, as to why I don’t have any real friends anymore. I just don’t see the point in trusting in people anymore. I’ve only ever really truly had one person I could trust on at all times with all things and that’s always been me. Just me, only me. Even my girlfriends end up stabbing me and leaving me in the end. So why should I trust and believe in anyone anymore? It’s only going to happen again. So I’m not anymore. And look. Look at where I am right now. I don’t have friends. Not a one anymore. Not even one. Yes, I still talk to many old friends, but they’re no longer friends, not really. Just people who are fun that I enjoy. Just people who’re into the same things I am. People to hang out with, people to have fun with, but they’re not in my heart. And that’s sickening and painful, to me. Because I want to love people, and I definately do. But I don’t trust them with me. And that keeps me seperated from absolutely everyone. Yeah, I like my acquaintences, I love them and hope for the very best for them, but as for me? I’ll just be me. Separate. Separa

te and very much alone.

I think I prefer it this way, too. It hurts like hell, it burns and in the end, it’s going to probably kill my quest of self-betterment, but it’s less painful than believing in someone with all your heart and then having the dream smashed with the only thing they have to say about it being “I’m sorry, but we’re just different people, it wasn’t the same for me.” You don’t know how many times I’ve gotten that from so many friends. I’m not sure if I’m even capable of dreaming and believing in anyone else now. Probably not, not really. Not even Jacinta at this point, even though I love her to death. Not even Jessica, though I love her to death too. Nor Katie, nor Lindsey, though I’d give my world and everything in it that they’d be happy. Maybe it’s especially because of those people. I always trusted in them the most. And in the end, I got hurt the most because of them. It’s much much worse than with just a friend, too, because unlike friends, these ones burn and they never ever go away. Even lindsey still burns once in a while, despite the fact that, by and large, I’ve dealt with my issues with her. But I still miss her so much sometimes…even though she used me, even though I have every reason to hate her….I’ve dealt with all that and I’ve forgiven it all, it’s no longer important. But the loss still hurts and it always will because of a very simple fact; it reminds me I’m alone and that I always will be in the end. All these years of my life I’ve been striving and pushing and shoving, trying to push myself up and to empower myself so that I can be happy again, so that I can get back to those states of being that I remember from my early childhood….and even though I sometimes achieve shades of happiness and contentedness, it always seems so dull after the fact. I get excited every time while I’m feeling the shade of happiness…look, I found it, I found what I’m looking for. Then I always find that it’s not really what I’m looking for at all, that I was only deluding myself again. Because it’s all bullshit when it comes right down to it. Just another ideal I myself created, that I myself perpetuated but, coming from a flawed person, being a flawed ideal that’s destined to crumble apart every time. Is that all that I can achieve? A network of idealism in an effort to convince myself I’m happy?

All of this I’ve been ignoring, shoving it under. It seemed and it seems the right choice still…for this ideal to work it needs to have faith. I have to give it that chance and I have to keep working at being a good person and having good influences on other people; other people are going to empower me in the end because we’ll love each other. Or that’s how it’s supposed to go. I don’t feel empowered by others and I haven’t really felt that way since I’ve embarked on this crusade. I realize that. But I still ignore that, I’ve kept trying and I’ve continued to work on it and to try. But my strength is beginning to wear down. My face is starting to crack, just look at this face, everywhere there’s new mistakes. I didn’t notice it two weeks ago, though my acquatance-friends did. They’ve been saying I seem different for the past couple weeks, more dismal and much more mean and aggressive. And they’re right. My strength’s starting to give out. The sheer strength of my willpower lasted me through the most hellish year of my life and finally it’s beginning to run out. For all this time I’ve held on to my dreams, to the things I want so much….but now it feels like…like it’s time to let them go. Time to let them go. Just time to let go. That sounds good, doesn’t it?

But that’s not as good as it sounds. What will I do if I let go of my dreams? I’ve never truly let go of all of them. I’ve always had a backup ideal, even if it wasn’t a positive one. After the whole thing with jessica, I still had my ideal of dying a martyred, tortured lover’s death. It sounds perverted and fucked up and it was, but it felt good. What’s more romantic and more loving than going on holding onto the memory and never, ever stopping the loving? What’s more devoted, what’s more intense, what’s more loving? And in the end, allowing your love, in it’s greedy excess, to consume everything else around it. Including your own life. Giving your life to love….that’s beautiful. It’s not positive in the normal sense of the word, but there’s a certain beauty in loving martyrdom. So even defeated I always had an ideal. What do I do without one? What do I do without my promises, without my beliefs, without my ideas, without my balances? I have a frightening idea of what I might do. I’ve only come up with two possibilities so far. One is the obvious one. I’ll just look at the things around me and begin to recreate ideals and goals and dreams and strive for them again. And in the end get hurt and thrust back to this position because of them. The other possibility is much more sinister. I’ve said before that I’d never kill myself and I won’t. Why I won’t is because of my beliefs, my promises and my desires. But if I really do just close this chapter of my life, none of those will be present to hold my emotions and my pain in check anymore. Without an aim, I know I just see no point in life, I’ve experienced that many times and to an extent I’m experiencing that even now. So The chance is very real that I’ll press my lips around the barrel and pull that trigger. I know I’m not the sort of person who threatens suicide shallowly, I probably won’t even tell anyone at all, I’d just get the gun on the side, and I’d just leave. I’d just go. I wouldn’t screw around either, I’d make sure it happened. I’m not one of those stupid, stupid girls who ‘really want to die’ but do it in ways that could very easily be prevented, such as pills. I’d pull the trigger to my head with extra bullets in case you get a dud. I’d stab myself as many times as I could continute to lift my arms to do to the chest in an area of the woods where no one would find me for weeks. Months possibly. I’d make sure it’d happen, I know me. Honestly, I think that’s the more likely of the two possibilities if I do just let go of everything. I bet I’d be self-righteous about it too. Haha everyone, now it’s my turn to say “I’m sorry but things change. People change. I never experienced it like you did.” So is that what I want? The ending of a story?

Thinking of it like that….I don’t think I do really. But what DO I want though? I’m slowly getting all the things aligned that I did want. So what now? Everything’s in place. Lindsey still has Jon and he’ll take care of her. He was too like me to ever give her up to anything; I’m positive he’ll stick with her as long as she’ll have him, possibly even afterwards, because he’s every bit the stubborn asshole that I can be about things like that. She’ll be safe. Happy too, probably. Jessica and Katie will take care of each other. They’ll be ok. Maybe not so happy, but they’ll be ok in the end. They’ve grown out of a lot of the nastier things that were in their lives…and they have each other. They’ll be ok. Jacinta will be, too. She’ll find someone else, if she hasn’t already, and she’ll be ok too because I know she’ll take care of herself. And her bf/future bf will too. So she’s safe and will be happy too. So my ultimate goals and endings are all satisfied. So what do I want now? Is there anything for me to want? It freaks me out because I got all

the things I wanted in the end but I’m still not happy. No…no that’s not true. I haven’t ever gotten one of my ideals. The suicide martyrdom one. The destruction by your emotions, tearing yourself up with a little war in your mind. Living every day for weeks on end with blood and death in your heart…until the day comes when it just stops, when you just stop moving for your loves. But that’s been shoved under too, overwhelmed by other ideals so it’s not such a present one anymore. It’s kinda disturbing that it’s still there though. I feel it every time I listen to certain songs, that desire to just die for love. So argh, torn, I don’t want the ending of a story and yet I know I do deep down. But if I were to let go of everything, I’d let go of that desire too. Hrm. But the situation that caused that ideal to arise in the first place would be, most likely, the be the one that would overwhelming permeate my day-to-day life so I can see it coming around again because of that. So then there’s that too. Ugh, frustration. I don’t want to go to that place, yet I want that. Not a good situation.

Ok, so lets say if I do just let everything go that I’m going to die, lets just assume this. What’s the alternative? Continuing to be unhappy. Finding another ideal, pursuing it and then getting destroyed in the end, yet again. Blah. I don’t want to die, though. Even if it would be beautiful. I’m going to be unhappy doing the things I’m doing….I know I’m going to be. I don’t have my balance and I don’t know if I’ll ever find it again….so I’m not going to be happy. I’ll always be out of order, always flipping and flopping in the end. But….I’m just one person. Why should I make this about me anyway? Just because I think too much, because I understand too much to the point where it’s insanely hard to make myself happy doesn’t mean I can’t brighten another person’s day. It doesn’t mean I can’t help to lift them up so that they can be happy too. It doesn’t mean I can’t pay it forward. There just aren’t many people who really, honestly try to help others. I can….even if I only make one other person happy. Truly, honestly happy for more than just a short while, then I’ve done something so amazingly incredible….and it’ll all be worth it. Or even if I help to make a lot of people consistantly happy for short periods of time…brightening their days and giving them reasons to live where I have none….then that’d be worthwhile too. Maybe I can give to others the things that I can’t give to myself….so maybe my dreams and wants and desires are completely unimportant anyway. So maybe I should focus on that instead. What makes myself special anyway? There’s nothing amazing about me outside of my amazingly seemingly-obsessive-depressive-streak-despite-not-being-depressed. Hrm…