#78

I had a dream last night. I don’t remember what happened beforehand (and a lot of things did happen before the stuff that started to get to me) but I do remember being at a school-like place that was a lot like fullsail and working on a computer and Jacinta was there, too, working on a computer too. Some talking was made between us (and some others) and she was still tapping away doing her thing. After a bit she said something was messing up (and I used to remember but I don’t now) and I knew how to deal with it so I asked if I could and she said sure. I leaned over her to reach for the mouse and the keyboard and I remember her edging away to begin with, as if concerned about my closeness, but she relaxed after a few seconds. Relaxed or maybe decided it wasn’t something she was going to do. It was more than kind of pushy of me to do that to begin with, though, and I do have to say I didn’t plan that out but I know I wouldn’t have put myself in such close proximity to just a normal friend and I think that I did what I did because I really wanted to be close to her again. I remember not focusing on the computer at all, even though my eyes were open and focused on it, but rather hearing the way she breathed and sensing the wya she smelled and the heat her body put off and feeling the brush of her shoulder against mine. More than a bit selfish if me in many ways, I think, but I really didn’t care at that point. I’m still a selfish bastard it seems. I went to fix the problem after that. She was on a myspace page I remember, even though she doesn’t actually have one. It had a lot of blues and purples and some streakings of gold and I didn’t mean to but I skimmed the page quickly without thinking about it. It kind of bothered me in some ways because it suggested she had a new boyfriend and was out and about doing ‘things’ with him. And by things I don’t mean just hanging out, heh. I was surprised at how much it bothered me too. You ever get so nervous or upset about something (but you can’t react about so you don’t react) that it feels like something huge catches in your throat and you can barely swallow and your voice comes out weak and squeaky when you try to talk? It was like that for me. She had some other windows open,too. I didn’t really meant so can them but in a lot of them she was doing things like flirting with other friends of hers too which added on to the whole thing. I didn’t say much, closed my eyes for a second then minimized everything, hit my comp and edited some things and fixed what was wrong. Then I smiled and said not a problem when she told me thanks and I walked away and I chilled at my own workstation. I was working on things but I wasn’t focused on them, I wasn’t even thinking about Jacinta so much. I was just focused on that choking sensation in my throat and really not much else. I woke up before anything else happened and the sensation was still there. That was my morning.

It’s still there, too, almost 2 hours since I’ve awoken. And it still bothers me, too. Since I’ve woken up I’ve gotten past the shock the dream slapped me with and I’ve begun to think about it. There are some things I can’t really get past either. Why I got upset about so powerfully to begin with. I virtually never get choked up that easily that quickly. Being honest and looking inward the answer is right in front of me; at this point it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself and how much I try to excise the feeling from me nor how much I tone and teach myself to honestly believe in other ways of being; I still regard her as my mate and as the only one I’m ever going to want. It’s similar to the soulmate concept. I could easily say I regard her as my ‘soulmate’ rather than describe it like this, but I don’t want to do that because I feel the word soulmate belittles and bastardizes the way I feel about this woman. Just like love is bastardized, distorted, profaned and blasphemed by the common person and by common usage. Love is NOT two kids who know nothing of life, who know nothing of each other but who like similar music and activities. Love does not happen in a relationship of 5 or so months (and often quicker, it seems) down the road; it takes years to truly develop. I hate how society bastardizes those words. So I do not use soulmate; it doesn’t have the emphasis and power that I want to be understood. So underneath it all, I still feel for her that powerfully. The only thing that’s truly changed is how I’m reacting because of that. It’s not that the relationship and feelings I have for her have changed any, but rather it’s because of those feelings that I’m trying to change what I am for her because she doesn’t want me in that way. I’m not going to give up on her for any reason at this point even if it means if I have to embrace more of a friend role. That’s perfectly fine with me. But it’s important to realize that the other feelings are still there and that they’re the entire reason I’m reacting in the way I am as well as why I reacted like i did in the dream. Ok, so that makes sense, then. I know why I reacted the way I did. It’s simple really; I still believe she belongs with me in that way; I don’t think we’re destined to be merely friends and situations and incidents that contradict that hit me on a deeper level because I like to be logical and logically that idea and those feelings sometimes seem impossible to be true.

Thus, it makes this crazily huge sense of cognitive dissonance with that right there and that sort of feeling is really, REALLY a powerful sense of confusion, wrongness and distress, for those of you who don’t know, because either way something is incorrect and no matter which way you go with it you’re either wrong about the thing you believe so strongly in and you’ve been acting in a completely ignorant way for a long, long time and you’ve been working on yourself and building yourself up over something that was wrong to begin with or you can go the other way and the thing you believe is going to be a bad choice, even if you’re correct about everything, and then you’re just going to have to bear the feeling and the decisions you’ve made no matter what happens and even if the things you believe in will never come around to you. I don’t look forward to living my life alone, not at all, but I think that’s what’s going to happen on most levels. So there’s this strong sense of dissonance in myself, there. Ambivalence too, even. And to make the thing even more complex is the fact that I feel I have to support her and her decisions no matter which way she takes them. No matter which way she takes them, even if it means never talking again. That worries me. What do I do when that comes, and I’m pretty sure that’ll eventually happen. I’m always going to be a liability to her because I’m playing with far too much emotion when it comes to her and I have absolutely no way to vent it or even to spread it outward to other projects. I already do channel it in other directions; a lot of them actually, but there’s always more. So there’s that aspect of it and then there’s the logical conclusion drawn from all this.

I’m not going to be someone worth getting back together with the way I’m distorting myself over this. I’m not going to be the sort of person anyone’s going to want because I’m going to strike someone as obsessive. By far most people don’t like being put on a pedestal (even though I honestly don

‘t think I do that as much as people seeem to think I do) and it suggests that I’m just going to burnout after a while anyway so it won’t be worth the time to begin with. I haven’t burned out yet and I’ve been burning for well over half of my entire lifespan…but who knows, maybe I will eventually. I know I’ve already courted that sort of spiritual death at least once. So maybe I will, who knows. And who knows how weird I am in person with someone I care for this much. Am I going to be the sort of person who dotes on your every action and mentally ignores and pushes under all the things you do to my subconcious lest it come into contact with my idealistic vision of you. And then that builds and build and builds and pressurizes to the point where one day it explodes and then fucked up things happen. Things like murder. Who’s to say that I’m not that sort of person? I sure as hell act like that sort of over-obsessive bastard, don’t I? I can definately see how one might view me like that. I mean really, what kind of man am I? Who would sacrifice your happiness to satisfy his pride, who would delay Moira to appease his tiny mind, what kind of man am I who could delay your kismit to appease his swollen pride, who could delay your destiny to appease his screaming little mind? Argh, I’m still not satisfied with how I’m dealing with everything, not yet. I still need to find where exactly my position is in the scheme of things and I need to figure out what I need to let go of (and how to do it, which is probably far more difficult) so I can be honestly happy again.

Ha. One wonders why I even think about that. I swear I wasn’t built for my own happiness; I had to have been built to be put in situations like this for some reason so I can become what I need to be for whatever reason. Argh. Hrm. No, I’m sure my feelings are right. Because everything whispers it in my ear. No, it has to be right. No, I’m not being obsessive. I’m giving attention and credit where I need to; I don’t feel this strongly for just anything. There has to be something here because my intuition demands it. So while people may view me as obsessive and a potential time-bomb (and I don’t blame them because I can see why they might view me that way) I know I’m not one. I’d rather die than tick-tock timebomb into a serial killer. And I would kill myself first because I don’t value my own life too much. I also wouldn’t ever go to the point either even if I bear a lot of similarities to the serial killers. But I bear similarities to absolutely everyone on this planet. There HAS to be a reason for that and I shouldn’t and won’t judge myself to be nothing better and nothing more than just another one of those sorts of people. I’m a lot like the best people in the world too. And looking at the issue I know that I’m not meant to be either; I’m meant to be something special, I’m meant to be exactly the way I am. I’m a bit of everyone for a reason I don’t know yet. A reason I might not ever know. But I’ve been shown time and time again that, even though I have similarities to some dark people (and to some amazingly good people) that I can’t be them even if I wanted to be, even if I tried my best to be. All I can do is keep discovering myself and sculpting myself into what I’m supposed to be. So there’s no way I’m going to become a stalker; there’s no way I’m going to become a ticking time bomb and explode into the deaths of many. And I know that even though my personal devotion to certain ideas may seem like obsession, that they are really not; they’re not devotion to anything else but to the parts of my life that correspond very, very closely to the things that make me, me and that help me be who I feel I’m supposed to be. So it’s more than just the person idolizing the other til the point that they become the object because it’s not like that even in the slightest. It’s about how we work off each other and help push each other up into something bigger and something more. THAT’S what it’s about. Not the object at all, but how we interact and how we interact with each other. The togetherness and union of the two of us in the way we fit together. Sure, I can fit with other people too (because I’m a bit like absolutely everyone) and I definately do. With everyone I talk to, with everyone I’m friends with especially, I connect with on a similar level. But the difference is that, while I connect to everyone, this particular bond and togetherness with Jacinta is something special. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. Thus, it’s not about the object-idolization that obsessionism is all about, it’s about the interaction and the learning and developing and becoming something better that makes it so special. *shakes head* It’s a recognition of something positive and powerful; not an indication of something negative. So what the hell am I saying? I should embrace this more completely rather than letting things pull me down. So I shouldn’t be bothered by her moving on. Maybe the next step for my further improvement is going to be just that; embracing her moving on so I can love her even more completely; as a friend, as a mate and as a lover and as something beyond just that and beyond that, too. So in this sense, maybe this inner struggling I’m having with myself is the entire point. This could very well be the next step so I should stop rejecting it so much and rather embrace it. I know why I’m struggling and I just need to stop doubting myself and doubting my faith in the things I truly, honestly believe in, and embrace the hardships. Too often things that seem bad aren’t bad at all; they’re necessary continuations to develop the state of things to something better for people should they only make the right decisions regarding the hardship. *nods*