#77

I threw a tarot spread today, one being a shadow-truth spread. It’s supposed to reflect who you are and where you are at.

I chose the knight of cups as a significator. That is, a card that represents myself. He represents the essence of water behaving as fire. A description of him from a tarot site: A passionate romantic, full of charm and beauty, but prone to extremes. Forceful idealism blended with gentle kindness. An eager and intense person, forward with their emotions and tender in their support of others.

Then I threw the spread. The center card is the first one you look at and it represents the attitude you’re currently assuming I pulled a reversed high priestess. Description: Being confused and led astray from the true path. Spiritual deception. Overzealous and shallow-minded pursuit of the esoteric. Insecurity, conceit and self-destructiveness. The forces of nature unleashed.

The next card, the 3 of Disks, was also reversed. The card to the right of the center has to do with the thoughts and feelings underlying your current actions. It represents delays in the commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. Holding back or failing to use one’s abilities to their full potential. Shoddy workmanship and lack of attention to detail. Being hamstrung by convention, or failing to temper artistic fancy with an understanding of reality.

The next card, the one above the center, was the 2 of Cups, again reversed. This particular spot in the tarot has to do with how your attitude is evolving. Keywords for my card are: instability in romance, friendship, or business. A deep infatuation that excludes existing friends. A false promise or premature commitment. The entanglement of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The profaning of the sacred through the introduction of base desire. Folly, depletion, and waste. May suggest conflict, divorce, or a severing of ties.

The card to the left of the center represents how others perceive your attitude and who you are. I drew the Queen of Cups, AGAIN reversed. It represents the dark essence of water, somewhat like a foreboding lake: Discomfort with the worlds of mind and matter, leading to a retreat to the spiritual. The embrace of negative relationships, driven by the desperate fear of being alone. Devotion to fantasies and daydreams, to the exclusion of practical skills or the pursuit of knowledge. Insecurity leading to dishonor, vice, and undue susceptibility to outside influences.

And the final card, this one at the bottom, represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. I had the 9 of cups, yet again reversed: Vanity, conceit, and smugness in romance, friendship, or other relationships. Achieving what you always thought you wanted. Overindulging in food, drink, or the pleasures of the flesh. A state of joy and abundance that is shallow and fleeting

The spread bothered me on a pretty fundamental level because reading into it and seeing it, I see it in my life as well. Starting with my center, I can easily see it. Easily. I’m having difficulty in many ways keeping my feet on the path I want to be on and I’m not sure if it’s even the right choice at all. I’m really, really confused in a lot of ways. After the fact, it gets more and more difficult to keep your body and mind focused on the things that matter most, especially when there’s a distance between you and them. And right now, I connect Jacinta in a VERY large way to my spirituality and my goals and aspirations; not for her herself or anything to do with our relationship, but more so in the fact that I look up to her. There aren’t any people out here that do the same thing for me and it’s easy to get wrapped up in their drama, in their mindsets and their feelings. In a lot of ways I really do feel I’m starting to lose control of myself and losing sight of the path. It really helps that we do still talk, though. Without that…I don’t know where I’d be. In a lot of ways I realize a lot of what i’m doing is very self-destructive too, VERY self-destructive and shallow. They need to change, but at the same time they feel so right and so….almost natural. I want them quite a lot; I don’t like being as lonely as I am. Moving on to the second, it reminds me a lot about where I was at during the break. I really lost a lot of my stride during that. I can’t just….stop once I start something. I lose way too much steam that way. I’m not going to bother getting into other ways the card represents things in my life because I’ll just get upset about them, but needless to say they’re there. The third card really struck a chord. Really, really harsh, a lot like the first one did. Not so much the false promise part, but the profaning the sacred with base desire and deep infatuation. You know who that reminds me of? It’s very simple; Kelley. The relationship is going really nicely and I definately want her in desireful ways but NOT in a good way and I know it. I’ve talked with her about it and about how I won’t go there because I need to stay loyal to Jacinta and I think she gets that. But at the same time….argh. I’m not sure. It’s really, really shallow of me, though and I know it. I’m not USED to being shallow….I think it’s in large part my lonliness amplifying my natural attraction twentyfold. I wouldn’t normally have trouble rejecting that sort of relationship especially when I have an ideal that means so much more to me. Especially when I have a girl who means so much more to me. I just don’t get why I’m having so much trouble kicking that relationship out of that realm and just keeping it in the friends realm. In a lot of ways it’s undermining my relationship with Jacinta, too because I begin to question it, albeit not conciously. I caught myself thinking earlier that I could ‘get away’ with doing stuff with kelley if I wanted to and I stopped and thought, What the hell are you thinking? It’s not about ‘getting away’ with anything. We’re NOT dating, in fact she’s probably dating someone else if she feels the need to and you’re not chained to her, she made a point to encourage you to do what you feel is best even if it means dating someone else. You’re not resisting Kelley because Jacinta is chaining you down, you’re resisting it because it’s an extremely negative relationship if it goes there and you know it. You’ve thought about it, you see it, you KNOW it is. It’ll undermine and profane the things that mean the most to you if you go there, THAT’S why you can’t go there. You need to keep Jacinta and yourself in mind and keep pushing yourself up or you’ll never get there; you already know how easy it is to just stay in negativity and perpetuate that, you can’t give in no matter how hard it gets because you’re you, you don’t give up ever because you’re a stubborn bastard. That’s what I told myself and I’m on a more effective guard against Kelley because of that but it’s still coming up from time to time. Argh. Sometimes I think that maybe I should just end the relationship completely; but is that fair of me? I feel really hurt when people have done that to me, even if it’s really just for a short amount of time, why should I hurt others myself? Especially my friends…that’s fucked up. So what do I do? I don’t know at this point. But I recognize the problem and that particular card being thrown in reverse is EXACTLY that. I don’t know if there’s anything I’m more sc

ared of at this point, honestly. The seperation of me from this particular aspiration is terrifying because I know the consequences of that; I go back to where I was and I stop improving myself. I don’t want to be that person anymore, I’m better than that, I’m going to do amazing things for others and I need to push myself up to that level. Argh. Well….moving on to the next card….that one I don’t know so much. I haven’t asked others lately how they view me, but, when I step away from myself and view my own actions with a non-biased eye, I can definately see others viewing me in that way. It strengthens the last card, too, in many ways, because it infers that others, too, recognize the negativity of that relationship and my struggling with loneliness and with trying to better myself. As for devotion to fantasies and daydreams….I’m sure pretty much everyone thinks that I’m just throwing myself at an unreachable ideal with my whole thing with Jacinta, even though it’s not only about relationships and dating. It has a great deal to do with spirituality and personal betterment and advancement too. But maybe that, too, seems like an unreachable fantasy. I mean look at me. Me. It’s like a mouse trying to learn to fly. The last card strengthens everything overall. Fleeting happiness and indulgement…is that what my dealio with fullsail really is? I’m not sure at this point and I hope not. I really am having fun. I really don’t want it to just be fleeting. Or maybe it’s referring to kelley again. Hrm. I’m not sure. Overindulging is definately there, though. I’m not exercising enough, I’m overeating and that’s terrible, I gotta get myself back on fucking track. *slaps self* I can do this. I’m capable of this. I just need to think more and act on pure emotion less. That’s what needs to be done. In a lot of ways, I feel throwing this tarot really helps. It upset me, yes, but maybe I needed to be upset, I need to keep these things in mind so I keep pushing instead of wallowing in negativity. I’m capable of better. I’m keep saying I’m going to do something great (even if it’s something small). No estoy mentiroso. I know no one really believes me but I do. It’ll happen. I need to focus more, do more rather than talk. I talk too much, don’t do enough, that’s my problem lately.