#76

You know, I don’t really like being as unhappy as I am. Especially when I’m in the situation I am. I absolutely despise this ambivalence between things in my life. On one hand I’m lonely as hell and I’m so incredibly alone in so many ways and that bothers the hell out of me and undermines most of my moments I spend alone and most especially my sleep. On the other hand I enjoy what’s going on with my life right now. Enjoy it a great deal, actually. I’m excited and I’m definately looking forward to it all.

But I still feel so alone. Like that, even though all that is worth something, that it’s not enough. That it’s just…subpar. Just a distraction from the more important things. I think and I feel and the more I do that the more bothered I become. It almost frightens me how unhappy I think I am underneath my ‘distraction’ of the life I do enjoy. But I do honestly enjoy those things and they do make me happy. They’re just….not enough I guess. Not important enough. I could quit them and forget about them without any trouble….perhaps that’s what I mean when I say they’re not important enough. I can just…be doing better things. And deep down I think I realize that and it bothers me. Whenever I close my eyes and think I feel just a touch of all the bad things around me. And a touch is an incredible amount right now; I feel there is this nigh-tangible ball of hatred, unhappiness, anger, ignorance and fear all around me. It frightens me a great deal. It’s going to turn in on itself and people are going to hurt and get hurt and it could be disasterous.

One of the most tangible examples of this is how nuclear warfare seems more and more eminent…I’m trying to prepare. I’m trying to get myself ready for the eventuality so I can take care of business. I have some of the skills I need already. Some of the tools, too. But I need more. I need more books and a plan, I think. Because as soon as that sorta thing happens, I know where I’m going to go.

But even just thinking of that specific example is terrifying. The world would be scarred forever. And if it’s not nuclear warfare or something else disasterous, the pot is just going to keep boiling and venting off steam and people are going to keep getting hurt and taken advantage of and used and fucked over and that’s not a good alternative either. It’s extremely upsetting.

It’s time like these that I’d rather be dead. I often think back and remember when I almost did go that far. And it still doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Hurting whenever I try to feel and take care of myself just isn’t worth it. All the hardships and pain just aren’t worth it. What am I really getting from any of this? Very, very little. I hope others are getting something from me, because for me it’s just like I’m being used and used like a ragdoll. Frustrating. I don’t like being tossed aside after I’m no longer useful. I’m not like that, why is everyone else like that with me? Frustrating. I’m probably just not important enough to them. I know people are capable of holding on to things, but they only do it with the important things. So maybe I’m just not all that important in the end. Either way, it doesn’t really matter if I’m not important I guess. I’m replacable. So my role will be filled no matter what happens to me. Mmm….but it doesn’t mean I’m not getting my job done. Just I’m not that appreciated I don’t think. Does that matter, though? I think it does…a great deal. To me, at least. I hate being so alone. Even when I have so many friends like I do now, so many people I can talk with and have fun with I’m still alone at heart. What’s up with that? Argh, in so many ways I would’ve preferred never waking up and just wandering around without knowing, without thinking, without realizing. Waking up is bullshit.