#688

Seems like I should be getting somewhere, but I’m neither here nor there. 

I tried to get something setup on the first, there’s a food thing going on down in green bay but no dice. 

Last night I cooked up a turkey, mashed potatoes and green beans and I got it into my head that after slicing the bird that I wouldn’t eat with any silverware or a plate. I grabbed a single slice and sat on the floor and ate it, superficially watching TV, but mostly thinking to myself. Did the same w/ a bit o’ mashed; not as hard nor as messy as it seems at first touch. Green beans were significantly more difficult because I wasn’t palming anything, I was using my fingers only. Like a squirrel or a chipmunk. I thought it would amuse me more than it did. It was interesting experience, a vaguely neat trick, but I wouldn’t do it again. Had to get up and get more way too often, can only carry so much in your fingers. 

The turkey was pretty fabulous though. I chopped it up and tossed into some spicy ramen I made. It was good stuff. 

I was writing out a bit on the zimmerman case and I have it saved on my desktop but meh. I don’t know that I’ll actually post it here. It’ll likely just tick people off because there’s so much emotion around it that it blinds people. I sincerely dislike that many people allow their value systems to be informed by their surroundings…it makes for a shitty world. 

I had a dream I was going to write out here, but decided not to because it reflects a lot on me and the idea of it made me feel more naked than it should have. I shared my last dream here and that’s far more intensely personal and important to me….why not this one? I don’t know. I kind of want to post it because I want certain people to see it, but I mostly don’t because I don’t want anyone else to. Hm. 

I’ve been thinking somewhat on the unimportant issue of sexuality. A broadcast of NPR was talking about how some groups of liberal arts college kids were messing with gender words and calling themselves whatever they felt like they were because they reject the idea of sexuality as being fixed. So they were introducing themselves as their name plus what gender pronouns they preferred. One said something ridiculous too, but I forget what it was. Something like my name is X and I prefer truck, truckery and zip (instead of he, him and his). Others were talking about how the words they used changed from day to day. I mostly dislike the whole thing…their nonsense is kind of like saying "My heart is in the right place, but god damn I am dumb." It sincerely irks me that they’d take an issue that clearly has deep emotionality for them to the point of insisting they’re a sex they are not. He is not a a subjective term; it’s a question of the chemicals in your body and the mechanics you have because of those chemicals, aka do you have a penis etc or not. There is a culture that applies masculinity to some things and femininity to others, THAT is what their issue is with, not the physical description. So they should be fighting that instead of making ignorant gestures that only make them look extremist and insane. Why not push the point that having a penis magically makes crying wrong and that having a vagina magically makes them incapable of throwing a punch as incredibly baseless instead? But no, that would make sense. We don’t like that. 

For most of them that’s how I feel, touch of scorn, touch of disappointment. They are entrenched in the sexuality-thinking that, on the points I mentioned, go too far, but on other levels, do not go far enough. The most extreme of them, the truck truckery guy (or whatever it was he said) I have respect for. That person got it on a deeper level and you could tell how he talked about the issue. It wasn’t about sex for him like it was for the rest of the people talking about it, it was about defining yourself and pushing your mind down different paths, whatever it was that it felt like to you on a particular day. So even if I disagree with what he’s doing in a specific sense, I can heavily get behind him with the whole guiding your own thought processes towards whatever goal you have that day. I think he has right, at least I’m assuming he does. You *aren’t* your body. Your body is just a a vessel that interacts closely with your consciousness. You aren’t your emotions either, nor your thoughts. All of those things come and go and they don’t define you; they are just the state you are in at a given time. You can be angry, but that anger does not define your core; it is a subjective place you can be. You might be physically working as a carpenter at a given time, but that does not define your core. You can believe that santa claus is real but that doesn’t define your core either. They are just aspects of you, what you are doing, feeling, thinking. You are not a he, nor are you a she. That is just an aspect of a part of you, a part of you that does not define you because the consciousness is deeper than that. The truth of you is that you are a consciousness, a consciousness that can go in incredible directions, but the more you lock yourself down into what you feel, what you think and what you do, the less you are capable of. So when I see this guy referring to himself with ridiculous pronouns I see exactly what he’s doing; he’s trying to push himself towards the thought-objects he has in his head. I’d love to talk to him and find out what he thinks of when he thinks truck. Is it power, the engine, the drive? Is it glossy rims and a sleek paint job? Is it memories of sex in the back of his pickup? I’d love to know what his goal was with referring to himself that way, what goal he had in mind. It’s really intriguing to me….I try to do the same. I try to break the learning I had when I was a kid about everything, from physical ideas (I am male) to thought ideas (I am intelligent). I feel like I’ve pushed my emotions to a satisfactory place for now, I just ride them and keep them distanced enough that it’s an enjoyable ride instead of something that defines me or how I feel. That’s so odd to write, to say my current emotions don’t define how I feel, but it’s true. Anyway, I get what he’s doing even if he’s doing it for a completely different reason than I do and I respect it. 

It makes me think about how what I am, that wrap of tendencies towards certain kinds of thoughts and emotions. If I were to be placed into an ‘accurate’ body according to societies standards and labels, what would it be? On one hand I think that I am definitely male. I’m aggressive, I’m occasionally brash and I’m used to taking the lead. My working aspect is very male too, both in the leading aspect and in the following aspect. On the other hand, a huge part of me is stereotypically female too. Especially the emotional side…I tend towards very male thoughts and actions, but I feel more emotionally stereotypically female than a stereotypical male. On the whole, I think I’m more male than not and that my body is accurate for me if our cultures arbitrary labels were true. The thought experiment made

me realize that I could very well be much more happy if I were female though. It would make no difference to me to lose my cock and have breasts. Including the other physical bits, I would be a total firecracker emotionally with the hormonal pushes a period will give you. On the other hand, I deal with physical pain and discomfort in a dissociative sort of way that minimizes that, so maybe it wouldn’t. I’m very curious, I’d love to give it a try and see for sure. I think sexually I’d prefer a females body too. The idea of sex strongly appeals to me. But the idea of similar sex as a guy completely doesn’t. Go figure. I wonder why the idea of anal doesn’t appeal to me? Hm. I don’t know.