#686
(More explicit than my entries usually are, don’t read if you’re concerned about such things)
I didn’t get much sleep last night. Don’t know why, nothing has been on my mind and it was cool and I was really comfortable. I had this strange headache, one unlike any I’ve had before and I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep. It felt like my eyes were open the whole time, even when they weren’t. I know I must’ve slept for a little bit at some point or points because when I decided to give up it was noon and I had laid down around 1 am.
I tried doing various things, from not thinking, to counting my heartbeat, to listening intently to the fan going but none of that helped. I let myself think instead, hoping I’d get lost in my thoughts and my body would shut down and my thoughts did drift. To the strangest thing, something not typical for me, I started thinking about sex, more of the making love kinda than the sex kind or the fucking kind.
Making love doesn’t usually appeal to me. Most of the sex I do have is either sex or fucking. Especially fucking, the kind where you’ve been with a person enough to be comfortable with them, where you’re able to just let go of your inhibitions and go. It’s just more enjoyable to me…and it seems to be the same for the girls I’m with too. I remember one time in particular….a girl I had been dating and I had had sex before and it was really enjoyable but not incredible. She had a lot going for her, a very gorgeous body and the most beautiful milky white skin you’ve ever seen. We had been out and about in the day and were going to sleep together and she woke me up in the middle of the night with kisses over my face and touching my hair. When it woke me I started returning them and pretty soon we were undressed. She got on top of me, then I was sitting up with my arm around her and she started going faster and harder than she ever had before, then I flipped her on her back and it was…different, more animal than person. Instincts just took over for me and whoa. And she rocked up against me in a way she had never done before and I don’t know exactly what she did but it was absolutely incredible. Everything felt different to me, amazing. To her, too. We talked about it afterward and she said she didn’t remember what she was doing, she wasn’t thinking at all, just doing. I was doing the same thing….was nice to know we were both on the same page there. I was still half asleep through the whole thing and my mind wasn’t completely on…it was completely sensory for me, all emotion and feel. I think that was a huge part of why it was amazing. That’s the kind of sex I prefer, fucking more or less. Forceful and hard on both person’s parts. Instinctual.
Which is why it strikes me as so weird that my mind would drift to something more gentle. I was thinking about being close, just being close, her back to my chest and my arm wrapped around her, between her breasts with my hand on her shoulder, me inside her but not moving, just being close. Intimacy with sex as a means, but achievable by other ways too. I wish there was more to the thought-dream but that was it. Just that position and I stayed on that thought for apparently hours, feeling through it and enjoying it.
It frightens most, to be lay oneself so bare to another person, to be willing to give yourself emotionally to that. The actual sex and penetration aren’t important, it’s where the mind is at. I guess I don’t blame them. People hurt and people betray and people leave. Don’t I know it.
Man, my life is so screwed. I have no idea where I’m going. I feel like I’m back at the beginning of…everything. Like a teenager again. I was so certain things with Kate would work out. It was a much deeper relationship than the others I’ve had and we meshed well. We were around each other for so long we didn’t really have secrets anymore. Mmm. I loved her to death. Or love, I suppose. Once I start I don’t stop loving no matter how much time passes. I’m sure I’ll love her the rest of my life and that is that. Which is okay I guess. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Meh…finally starting to really accept it. I denied it for a long time no matter what people told me. Just wouldn’t listen, though the signs were there the whole time. I wouldn’t accept at all. I was really, really dumb. I couldn’t see it because of my insistence on looking at what we could be, at looking at the good things we were. I thought that if I just focused on the positive and did my best everything would turn out alright.
Not true, incidentally.
Dumbdumbdumb. And now I’m sitting here thinking, where is my life now without you? I just don’t fucking know. I’ve been trying to put a positive face on it. Hell, half of the recent entries here are just positivity-focused entries that I write out so I’m focused on good things instead of being negative. So my minds in the right place. Not that it’s actually helped, it hasn’t helped a damn thing. Not the chatting with new people, not the going out on dates, I feel so god damn out of place. When I was out the last time I felt so strongly that "I didn’t belong here" and "wasn’t I done with this?" Ugh. And the people, the people are god damn idiots. It’s like I’m swimming in a sea of angry, hateful, dumb bigots and the good people seem to be all taken already. I’m not saying Kate is the only person I can love or ever will love because that’s not true, but god damn she’s light years better than this.
…well, of course she is. I was the one who wasn’t good enough for her. I understand though, I sympathize. Tomorrow, in a month or a year.. she’ll go home to someone and she’ll have some kind of family to turn to. That’s more than I could ever give her. I’m just me. All I can ever be is just me. Maybe that’ll be good enough for someone, but it isn’t her.
Hum.
I wonder if being too open was part of the problem. I’ve resolved to just keep to myself the things I feel. I’ll write them out here instead of saying anything to anyone. That really makes more sense anyway…what good is it for me to talk about the things upsetting me? It isn’t any good. It doesn’t make me feel better and all it can do is bring down those around me. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
tl;dr:
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