#681

I’m in a bind tonite…

The emotional…I am in that moment where you walk out on stage and you’re alone and it wasn’t what you expected and it wasn’t you they were waiting for and everyone’s looking at you. I am in that moment before the fear and the horror, the space when you realize and everything crystallizes into a single powerful moment and the world stops. I am in that place when you wake up in the night and the curl of your bodies go on forever and that moment is etched deep upon your mind alongside her breath, her scent and her shape. I’m at the spot where suddenly all the pieces fit together and the whole that has been evading you makes sense.

That. 

The physical….it is a cross between a yearning and a deep ache. It is a tiny man is standing on your chest. It is working all day at your computer and then the monitor seeming to have been turned 10 degrees to the left, but when you check, it’s exactly where you left it. It’s feeling like you can’t control your body correctly and that your hands are not obeying you, but still they move and still they work just….it feels weird, like it’s someone else instead of you. It’s the feral abandon when running down a forest trail at breakneck speed. It is a tingling of anticipation. It’s a mind-fog swirling that feels beautiful, that feels fucking beautiful but blurs everything, everything and maybe that’s why it feels beautiful because when everything is obscured you’re free to imagine it better, more completely, more beautiful than reality can ever be. 

That. 

I wish I could speak these things to the people in my physical life. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could point to it, like a picture frame on the wall, and say, this, can you see this? It’s weird though (I’ve tried). It seems I am frightening when I try to show the things closest to me that aren’t quite tangible and certainly not rational. Which is unfortunate because I am headed in that direction and I’d love a partner. I used to get drunk on the experience….and I shall again. I used to smile so wide and so often my face cracked. I used to walk in the rain and dance with You and kiss you and that was enough, that was enough and it didn’t have to be sex to let go enough to have a grasp on that sense of closeness. And it didn’t have to be trust even though your words constantly made me doubt. And it didn’t have to be me worrying about you leaving because you always do. It was just simpler; new and raw. I can’t live this life I’m living, I can’t be here or I will die. I’m dying! I need to be out there, out there and drinking it all in. 

I miss you, I miss you, and it was better with you around, even though it also wasn’t. I’m starting to flow again and I wish I had a teammate, a partner to share with and be close to. It’s better that way, even though it also isn’t. 

*twirls* 

I’ll still dance with you, Evie, I will. I’ll climb out on my roof and yell a barbarian yell across the rooftops of the world for you. Then I’ll climb my neighbors, and the next and the next until you hear me. Come home, come home, I miss you more than life itself. 

I’m going to write 50 love-notes to you and tuck them away all around town. Maybe they’ll make someone smile. Maybe they’ll make you smile. 

I love you.