#680
A thought has crossed my mind and crossed my mind again: I could make a pretty decent dom if I cultivated the skill.
And for the first time, an opportunity is presenting itself. I could jump into that sort of relationship with a girl and learn from it. So now the idea is bouncing around my head. Should I take it? Or perhaps instead I should, if I’m actually interested in this, just solo out into public scenes and get-togethers and learn that way instead. No idea at all.
But when I step back and study (and think!) I find that I feel like I fit into the community really well. Which frankly, shocked me. I had an idea of what it was like but it was always mildly negative because of the associations I had with it. Specifically, my issue was "the root of the problem." See, normal people aren’t into those things. Only people with some sort of issue or hangup because of their pasts are. Like the submissive who was always restricted by her parents and her emotions were mocked, who was taught to hide all that way. And now she wants to reject all that and live life to emotional extremes, extremes she can find in the lifestyle. It’s easy for me to see that as a *problem* that needs to be *fixed* rather than just where that person is at. It reminds me of one girl I’ve dated who was attached to the scene because of her past…it was a heavily destructive association because what she was really seeking out was a ‘safe’ way of re-imagining the past in a better way instead of a terrible one, yet it brought back all the old associations of rape and force, so it was really bad for her mental space. We talked about it a lot for a while and talked through it and more recently she told me that she sees the scene as sick. Which….I suppose is right in some cases. Like her case. But is it always that way?
With the former woman, I can’t say it’s wrong. In fact, I kind of admire her for seeking new highs and new feelings, even if they might be negative in nature or frowned upon by society. Is that not what I myself do? I’m constantly seeking new things, new paths to push myself down, new things to try to better myself, to expand myself and to be better, faster, stronger. I feel a kinship to her, even though she’s a sub, female, and mostly emotionally focused. At least, mostly emotionally focused in this venture.
Then I consider, yeah, for people to be into the scene they have to have something messed up inside them. But I am too. I’m just as screwed up as they are if not more so and why can’t it be a healing experience for us both? One of the big things for me is the control aspect of it. That’s freedom to me in some ways….freedom to be myself completely and not to worry because I can’t afford to fuss. I have someone else counting on me, relying on me and I need to do right by them. So there simply can’t be any me, only focus on the task at hand. And that, my friends, is god damn liberating. When I look at several of my past relationships with various women, I see that most of them had elements of this control-release involved, sometimes with me on bottom, most with me on top. Why not take it a little further? Hell, why shouldn’t I experiment with being a bottom even?
I’m far more attracted to topping though. When I read about subs and learn about them I find them attractive and I yearn for that kind of connection to someone, for someone to feel that way about me. To love me to that extreme and to trust me that deeply. And becuase I would know they trusted me implicitely and relied on me, I would love them (I’m looking for another word here, love is the closest thing I can come up with) for it. I’ve been there before, I know I will and I know it blows my heart up with all sorts of good feelings. Problem is, normal relationships don’t ever go to that level; the problems of everyday life aren’t visceral in the way a good spanking is and the body won’t react to them in the same way. And so the body goes, so follows the heart and the mind. I think our emotionality is hardwired into us and also into our bodies. So after a good bout of pain and sex you can attach in a way you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT in any other way. If you want to look at it scientifically, your cortisol, dopamine, serotonin, prolactin, oxytocin and various endorphin levels are all spiked hard by painplay followed by sexual play on repeat, teased upward and upward into dizzying heights way above just a typical orgasm. Or orgasms. It’s not a crazy idea. Consider, what is it you are doing when you’re trying to get your partner off; you’re working their body and mind to achieve a physical and emotional release. What is BDSM? The same exact thing, except it’s trying to leverage other mental and physical aspects of your partner to make the physical and emotional release stronger.
So I think, what about breath control play? Now *that* one has a lot of baggage attached to it. Probably has a few people disgusted with me too. But I’ve done a few things, and I can tell you right now that out of every time I’ve ever orgasmed, I’ve came the hardest while I was being prevented from breathing. Part of it is physical, your body turning all of your sensors into overdrive and so your orgasm is multiplied many, many times higher once the orgasm feelings/chemicals surge through you. Part of it is mental too, the helplessness amplifying and leveraging the physical feelings coursing through you. I read someone somewhere comparing the feeling to being on cocaine and saying it’s similar and similarly addicting. It is. And I don’t suggest it except for the exceptionally daring with a partner they exceptionally trust and with exceptional knowledge of how to do it without hurting the person. Because it’s dangerous. Don’t fuck around w/ it in all honesty. It’s absolutely amazing but….it’s too easy to hurt someone seriously this way. Don’t.
It starts me thinking though. What if I could produce similar feelings in other people by manipulating their chemicals through varied pain and pleasure? I mean it’s pretty clear that it works for some people and there are even terms for various effects you can have on people; subspace, sub drop, etc. I’m pretty interested in exploring all that. Trying to make a positive feeling for someone even if it includes forceful action. No, I’m suppressing myself again. BECAUSE it includes some forceful action.
I suppress a lot of myself for society at large. Have to or I would not mesh. I have to reign in my ego. I have to reign myself in when I want to help and guide someone because not everyone wants that. Hell, even though most people say they are open to advice, they aren’t. They don’t want advice at all, they just want someone to agree with them because that’s their ego. They want to be, or appear to be, open to others when in reality all they care about is their own mind. Which irks me in a big way. I find it hard to fit in with that. I have too much of an ego to let other peoples’ egos be. With a submissive though, that’s what they enjoy. Being directed and guided and controlled. Which are a few things I truly enjoy….directing and guiding and controlling. I mean hell, even just thinking about that is a *h
uge* turn on for me, sends a zap of warmth through my body like living electricity. There’s something deeper, too, for there’s a ton of trust involved in both directions. It touches my heart. Only a few emotions have ever touched me that deep. True awe, love and hatred come to mind. A significant part of me really wants that kind of relationship.
And I think I’d be good at it. I already know many of the skills; knotting and how the human body moves and how to tie you down without hurting you. I have the right mindset, too. I don’t want to damage anyone, never have. But there’s def a part of me that likes to push people, a part of me that wants to take you over my knee and give you a whack, rub over your bottom until you relax then give you another whack. Just to get you going. Just to see you light up. I can keep my mind in stressful situations like that and I can talk. I think it could be an absolutely wonderful experience for us both.
Some dangers to it, too, of course. I could see myself pushing someone too far if I got to into it. Which is something I could not do, that is way out of line. I don’t know much about actually getting people there other than my instincts. Physically I have a good sense of limits because of my emergency medicine background…but mentally? That’s not good enough; I need tons of gentler practice with lots of questions or a mentor. You can’t just throw yourself into this line of thing without some knowledge, you could really damage someone. I don’t want that. I want to get you off, many to help you through your issues if that’s what you wanted, NOT to damage you. So I’d need to work. A lot. Which, I suppose, isn’t that hard to do. I could do this, I really could.
I wonder if this is a passing thing. Or rather, a randomly recurring thing because the idea has crossed my mind a few times in the past ten years. In which case it’s not really worth delving into. But maybe….just maybe it’s worth testing the waters.
Maybe soon.