#680

Last night I talked about a lot of things with people I barely knew. It was a good talk and an interesting time. We talked a lot about fear and sexuality. Mmm. The night before was a thoroughly enjoyable night with friends. 

Today I woke up with an intense feeling of ennui. That’s a lie. At the end of the night, the morning I suppose, when everyone was going to bed I stopped to read a little before sleeping. As I was reading, that’s when the feeling started. On one hand I really feel like I’ve turned a new page, on the other I have the sense of this incredible mass of dissatisfied numbness underneath. It’s nothing new. I thought I had been changing into a new person. Maybe I was wrong. I see the same things and I have the same reactions, too. I look around and nothing ever seems to change. And if it does it’s for the worse. It’s no wonder I prefer staying home….

…but I don’t know why I feel the need to express myself. Why am I writing here? Why do I talk to anyone ever? Sure I can give reasons, good reasons that are completely true, but they’re not WHY I’m here. Sure, I write as a record for myself to reread and analyze at another date. Or to just have in case I want to repeat past experiments, like with cooking. Or maybe I want to share it for a particular person. That’s not enough to justify writing for me. There’s an emotional reason for it that underpins my desire to talk to others and that’s the real reason I write here. This diary is not about personal use and it has not been for a long, long time. I realize that now. 

I don’t mean I want to meet people on here, that’s not what I mean. It’s more simple than that. 

That’s just shitty, the whole thing. I wish I had a word for it. I wish I had a better word than ennui too. But fucking hell, all I have is not good, the situation is negative. But that’s not true. The situation is (insert here) and that’s the real truth. The whole good/bad thing, that’s a load of simplified bullshit that we learn as kids that isn’t real at all. Unlike most of the other things we learn though, we don’t build on it and it just sticks and we all live according to it. When will everyone understand that all two-valued systems are false? (Insert here) is not merely good or bad. (Insert here) is everything you could possibly convince yourself it could be at all times. (Insert here) only solidifies when you believe it to be a certain way. The next day you could change your mind and everything could change. Like I changed my mind about being negative and smiling at everything I could instead of being upset. I did that and it worked…even though most of me said it was just theoretical bullshit and that it had no chance in hell of actually working, but it did. And it was so easy. Just a matter of saying, hey Jon, you like this.

"No, don’t focus on the dissatisfaction of life, focus on the satisfaction of good food, good friends, of having fun. Are those things dissatisfying? No of course not…."

Maybe I just don’t have the mental strength to maintain. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be feeling better again because today I didn’t try at all. But christ, I feel so threatened. I actually feel threatened and there’s absolutely nothing happening! What in the HELL Is that? That’s such an insane thought and I can’t begin to understand it. I haven’t even talked to anyone today! Ugh. There’s a duststorm in my head and I can’t see and it’s useless. I can’t speak. I just can’t speak at all and so I can’t be understood and if anyone reads this they’ll just understand me as a reflection of them and I’m not a reflection of them,  I’m a reflection of me and it’s all fucking wrong. I can’t even twist it around and try to be the things I want in other people because I can’t do any better than that myself. So how do I fix it? I don’t know how to fix it.

I can’t help feeling my diary has become less and less interesting to read as time goes by. And more and more vapid.