#679

It’s getting worse. The numb feeling I mean. At night I worry because I don’t want to get paranoid and I know how quickly that can come if I see something that isn’t supposed to be there, or think I do. So far nothing has happened but it would be so easy. 

I wonder if this time it will be new and that maybe I should be encouraging the feeling. Who know what sunfall-dappled vistas lined with rivers full of moon-face  lotos-blossoms could await me? I want to push it. I feel I should push it. But my mind, my hod says no. No, you don’t know what lays on the other side. Or worse, you already know what lays on the other side; soul-crushing paranoia and no sleep for it. It’s not that way this time though, I can feel how different it is. I mean it’s the same, but not the same. Like wearing clothing versus wearing another piece. That is cotton, but this is silk. And when I crack open my window and look out at the forest at night, I see everything swaying in the wind like the thorns of some enormous beast’s back. I wonder where we’re going? Just in case I walked downstairs and give the ground a pet. Strange maybe, but I like the idea. So why shouldn’t I entertain it? It’s not like something needs to be real to be true. 

I woke up yesterday morning and it looked like my entire room was silver. At first the images from my dream remained pressed into the walls like a bas relief but they faded and the silver dimmed too. It was singularly depressing. It was just another reminder that magic doesn’t exist, that life is not terribly interesting and is likely  not worth living at all. 

However, I’m not currently dead and I see no reason to push myself towards that end at this particular moment, so let’s just forget that. Lets raise our glasses and get smashed, get absolutely smashed. Huzzah! That is just what I am going to do. I can only hope it makes my mood even more magical than it already is. Squee. ^____^ 

You should come with me, it’ll be romantic. But before we go, remember to leave out a little salted bread for your domovoy. It’s good form you know and you might forget to do it later.