#672

Had a disturbing set of dreams. I stayed up late with a girl I’ve been spending time with. Then I went to bed, no worries, it was nearing midnight by the time I was closing my eyes to sleep. This much I know was real. 

I opened my eyes and it felt like I had slept for a decent bit but still gotten up before sunrise. I went downstairs, making sure to grab my radio to charge it since my charging dock is downstairs and also checking the clock on the stove before going to the bathroom. 1 o’clock. I remember thinking I must’ve been wrong about how I must’ve barely closed my eyes before getting back up. After washing my hands I headed for the computer to burn some time until I got tired again. My computer is on a table and off to the right you can see into the living room. I was surfing randomly and I kept seeing something moving off over there. I kept looking but every time there was nothing. I remember feeling exceptionally paranoid. It was getting pretty bad and I know I can’t get back into that mode. I went upstairs and I tried to sleep. I kept feeling like something was behind me, watching me. I could hear it. I turned on my fan and hoped that would drown out the noises and it did. I fell asleep. 

I woke up with a start. I was dreaming something but I don’t remember anything. I just remember someone being in my face. They were wearing an ivory mask with stylized red and yellow lines. I remember specifically how big their eyes were…and how full of malice they were. I was feeling extremely paranoid at this point. I grabbed my radio and brought it downstairs with me. Hung it up. Checked the time. 1 o’clock. I had to go to the bathroom and I did and this time everything felt exceptionally creepy the moment I stepped inside. I ignored the feeling, went and left, avoiding looking in the mirror. It just felt like it’d be a terrible mistake to so I did not. I sat down at my computer and tried to flick it on and it wouldn’t turn on. I had to unplug it and replug it in and then it worked. I kept seeing things out of the corner of my eye in the living room again and this time when I turned to look I saw something, like a hunched over form, a female form, limping out of eyesight. I turned on all the lights and checked the room. Nothing. I was certain that something had tripped my paranoia into overdrive again and now I was hallucinating some crazy shit. I had to leave. So I got dressed, grabbed my coat and keys and went out of the house, the house just felt all wrong to be in. At least outside things wouldn’t be hiding in the corners. So I walked around and made sure to stay in the light. It was a chilly night and I felt it in my legs. I remember breathing out steam like you do in winter. I walked down main street with all the lights and a few cars passed me. I felt stupid for feeling so paranoid. What the hell was I doing outside at this time of night? I’m stronger than that. I KNOW the feeling is just bullshit. I KNOW there’s nothing there. So I walked back home. I headed back upstairs, took off my shoes and coat in my room because I was still being kinda paranoid. I was making sure to look around and reassure myself that everything was fine and in doing so I had forgotten to take them off. So I figured I’d just grab them when I woke up and bring them back down then. I laid down, turned my fan on and went to sleep. 

I woke up feeling certain there was something in the room. Then immediately I thought, you’re just being stupid. Get up. So I did, turned off my fan and turned on the light. Nothing obviously. I went downstairs. I grabbed myself something to drink and noticed the time. 1 o’clock. Which made me wonder about that. I was surely not laying down and just getting up a few minutes later. I saw down at my computer really worrying about whether or not I was alone. I opened up a game and focused on it as best as I could. I was hungry, so I turned on the stove and defrosted a chicken breast which I made into a chicken caeser salad. I was getting a drink from the faucet when I saw that the outside light was on and I looked outside and saw a shadow standing at the edge of trees. Just standing there, no idea if he was facing me or not, but it made my blood ran cold to see someone in my backyard. Knowing this was just my paranoia exerting myself, I told myself it wasn’t real, I went back to my computer and just ignored it. Continue on past it until it stops. These things come in waves, I know this. So I focused myself on the feeling of the salad, the crunch, the kind of flavors to it, really pushing my mental focus into that. It helped a bit. I wasn’t hungry anymore, so I went back upstairs telling myself that it’s always worse at night and that once I sleep and it’s day, things will be better. I turned on my fan and went to sleep. 
 
I woke up to my radio going off. I didn’t catch what was happening, but I figured I’d call in and just get the information from my partner once we were in the ambulance. I grabbed some clothes and went downstairs, but the carpeting slipped out from under me and I fell down and my world spun. 

And I woke up in my bed with a startle just as I was hitting the door at the bottom of the stairs. I felt really messed up now and completely confused. I laid there, then checked my stereo clock. 2 o’clock. I thought that I was for sure awake this time and that I just needed to go back to sleep and wait it out until the day. I turned my fan up higher to drown out my thoughts and I fell back asleep. 

And I’ve woken up now. It’s in the middle of the night and I’m typing this out. I’m fairly certain this is real. I always experience my dreams in clarity, with details, but little things are off. Like my coat and boots are still downstairs. The head of lettuce I had chopped previously is still completely intact now. All of those things were just dreams. Or at least most of them were. I’m not sure about the first dream or the last one…..I just have no idea. Either way, I feel very normal now. No paranoia at all. They were just more of the threatening dreams I sometimes had…more effectively threatening than normal. Nothing special about that. I feel better now that they’re over. And more importantly, it’s 5 now and the sun is starting to come up which does me a world of good. I’ll be laying down in bed soon….I’m completely exhausted even though I clearly did sleep most of, or at least some of, the night. But I need to be rested. I’m on duty today. Fucking mind, it’s fucking me up all the time. All the god damn time. If I could threaten it with the pointy end of a stick I totally would. I want the paranoia to just stop. Or at least be predictable so I could control it better. 

I have no reason to feel this way. Everything is fine. Everything is going well. I am completely okay. I have no reason to feel this way.  

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