#671

One of my friends is getting divorced. The quality of it is a lot different than what I’m used to. Possibly all of the divorce I’ve been around has involved the harshness. Domestic abuse, psychological abuse, that kinda thing. I can’t think of a time when someone was divorced where it wasn’t. So it’s easy to just go, that guys a fucker, you’re better off and totally believe it and not be affected at all. All that’s on my mind is how I can convince the other person to see it in that way too and to give them the confidence to say, hey, I’m bigger than this and I can do it. 

This divorce isn’t like that at all. It was more of a….love fading out. Fizzling. It’s not so clear cut as it is when you can pull up a picture on your cell of her raccoon eyes and say hey, look at what this is costing you. It’s not at all like that. I’m not even sure the guy is a bad guy; he very probably isn’t. It’s different. Something about how she writes about it rings inside of me; I’ve done that too. And it fucking sucks. She says: 

"I look at all these moments, these memories that are going to end up shoved in a box, or thrown away, or whatever happens to pictures of you and people you used to love but no longer do. Those memories are going to be chucked out, and it makes me sad. Like, emotionally, I will have to disregard the million little memories from the last six years to keep myself from completely falling apart. One of the first things I said when he told me was, "who gets the pictures?" What I really meant was, who will remember us? That we existed? That we loved one another? Who will care? Another love lost, gone; this makes me so sad. "

That reminds me of Jessy. I loved her the most, she was my first truly serious relationship. Five years that managed to be a whirlwind of awesome most of the time. I felt the same way when we broke up. I say broke up because it’s easier than to say ‘she left me’ because even now I don’t want to take the blame for it. That’s silly isn’t it? Even now, damn near 10 years later I can’t write down "she left me" unless I really buckle down and force myself to. I probably couldn’t say it in person. But yeah, I relate a lot to it. I never did get rid of my pictures with her. I still have them. A picture of the giant cow in the middle of her town when we were at the carnival. Pictures of her in my fishnet shirt (don’t judge me ;p) after she stole it from me. She wore it much better. Me sleeping on her lap in the back of the car after going out to a concert. Man, I don’t even need the pictures to know what’s in there. I haven’t looked in there for years and years, but it’s still right in my head. It’ll likely never go away I’m sure. Most things fade, but she doesnae. Not really. 

It hurts to think about. It hurts to remember in that way. The way my friend is feeling now is just how I was then and it’s so, so rough. Wish I could hug her but I can’t…and if she’s anything like me it’s not like she wants to be hugged anyway. If it was me, I would rather just be left alone and stay home away from the need to lie to everyone. I might be outside of myself and just function in a dissociative daze. Or I might be inside myself and cry and cry and cry when I’m not the kind of person who cries for much of anything. I’ve never done that for anyone since. I’m harder now and love less easily too. 

 

I’m being mopey. The whole thing just gets into me and I *dont* god damn like it. Heh. It’s just real, you know? You can’t just deny the real or ignore it. It’s real and I wish it wasn’t. Even though I think it’s most likely a very good thing for her, I still wish it wasn’t real. I’m very hypocritical. Tis part of the reason I’m a bad person.

The situation doesn’t have to be bad one though. I reacted similarly at my major relationships going to pieces, the five with jessy, the five-ish with Kate. But now it’s different. Now I’m just really, really glad I had them. Because they shaped me in a better way. I have a better view on people and on love and relationships because I knew them. To me it’s like…okay, it’s not completely my fault because that’s not logical. It’s at the hands of both people, right? So all I need to do is find out what I missed, find out what I messed up. Being the fool I am, it took me an incredibly long time to really get anything useful out of it. Jessy and I didn’t really mesh anyway, not really. She just needed someone to be her hero when she was dealing with the shitty spot she was in at the time. And I needed someone who would believe in me so I would believe in myself because of the shitty things I was dealing with. That’s sounds so messed up, doesn’t it? It’s true though…there’s nothing that gives confidence and strength to a man like a woman who loves him, nothing that gives resilience and strength to a woman like a man who loves her. At the time I didn’t see that though, and I don’t think she did either. We loved each other, we really did. We grew together. We learned to love each other for little things. She liked the feel of my body, she liked falling asleep to my voice when I’d tell her stories. And me? I really learned to appreciate the nicknames she gave everything. At first they really irritated me, but they grew on me. And most importantly, I liked how she moved. I could just sit at the table and watch her make breakfast and admire her body. She was just so graceful. Every so often I read something about people moving like a dancer and when I see said youtube video, movie whatever, I’m just like, no. But Jessy? Jessy had that. There was something so different when you compared her to other human beings, she moved like something else. Maybe she was an alien. 

That’s how I think of it now. Not the alien bit, but the beautiful parts. The parts where I appreciate her most, and where she appreciated me too. Why should I think of the ending when I could be thinking about the good things? The ending just tears me up and makes my day shitty. No point in that. But thinking of the good things makes my day better. When I remember it, she still gives me confidence and strength. And I still feel loved, or capable of being loved, because at one point in my life I was loved completely, by this girl, Jessica. And if I can be loved by her, someone else can love me too. More foolishness, but that’s how I feel about it. And I think that’s a hellvua lot better than the way I used to feel about it. It’s beneficial to me, it can make my day better, it can point me forward in a positive way. 

I wish I knew some way to express all that to my friend. I want to show her,

"Hey, look! You can look at it in a different way, you can change how you’re feeling by changing your mind!"

But I don’t trust myself. It won’t come out right if I say it or write it out. Like, rereading this it feels all ramble-ey and like I’m missing the point and I don’t know…bleh. 

I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved Jessy. Nothing has been as wild or as strong or as pure as it was with her. I hadn’t really burn hurt bef

ore, was completely innocent with her. I’ve never loved anyone to that extent ever again and I doubt I ever will. But….I have loved again since. With Kate the love was different. It was not a pure innocent love, nor a passionate one. But it was better and it was stronger. It was deeper and more meaningful too. It’s like your heart is like bone; when you break it, it heals and over the heal it’s stronger, much much stronger than the bone originally was. So it’s capable of stronger, better emotion….and there is a future for us. It’s just a matter of seeing it and seeing the potential of it 

Yeah, I’m a shitty talker when it comes to emotional nonsense. Anyway. 

And since a bunch of you are asking, the date went well. I don’t think we’ll work out in the long term though. She has very different priorities and her mind is in a completely different place.  At the same time I’m really attracted to her. She’s strikes me as a really nice person and her priorities are in a good place. And she’s beautiful too, she’s the whole package. Just not with me, you know? We’re on different levels and I think she’d be a lot happier with someone closer to her. I don’t mean that as in a she’s above me or I’m above her, more like…I’m a cat and she’s a dog. Eh, that sounds too sexist. Like I’m a tapir and she’s a capybara. That’s a better analogy. Just different is all. I’ll give it a few more dates to be sure (if she’ll give them to me) because I’ve def been known to be wrong about things, but that’s my first impression so far. No matter what though I’m really glad I had it…it’s been ages since I’ve had a date with a person I barely knew and it was stressful to go on one. I’m really happy it was with her because it was an immensely positive experience. She deserves lots of kisses for being awesome. ^____^ 

On the school front, I think that I’m going to back off the paramedic thing and instead go with my chief’s idea of going AEMT first. I keep looking at it and I keep thinking…I need more experience. I need to have my shit down PAT before jumping to paramedic. There’s a good bit of me that’s saying, hey, fuck it, if it takes that much effort, then why do it at all? Because paramedics barely get paid for what they do and it’s a lot of effort, a LOT of effort. Why not just get an associates in something else and make 60k instead of 20k? So. That’s what I’m looking at. Medical sonography is particularly appealing. >=] 

So. Plans are changing, though it’s still generally the same plan. I’m pretty excited. 

Also I’ve been training myself….and I’m just starting to see results. I’m pretty damn pleased all in all. 

*big fat grin*