#65

And now that the period of feeling free and new has ended. It was bound to, I knew it was. That sort of thing only happens after the storm and only for the shortest of times. It was refreshing and amazing while it lasted, though. Now that it’s over though…now that I’ve allowed myself to think to myself and, truly, to feel to myself “And now I am free,” I begin to wonder. What now? Where to from here?

I have absolutely no clue. I’m fundamentally changed this time. In more ways than one, too. Or perhaps that’s unfair, perhaps the word fundamental is totally off here. I’m not fundamentally changed at all; in many ways I’ve rediscovered within myself some of the aspects I used to have and act upon, particularily a lot of the more loving and accepting aspects of my very young youth. I care a lot more, I’m far more stable than I used to be, I retain my strong sense of faith in myself and yet I’m still sensitive to things outside of me and I’m getting more and more receptive all the time. It’s nothing new, it’s just a return to what I was, essentially. A ‘return to innocence’ so to speak. Except I’m not so innocent this time around. Quite the opposite in fact.

So what now? Where do I go? I don’t really have any answers, nor any real ideas. Fullsail seems an obvious place to ‘start’ along this new path but at the same time I realize that’s not it. That’s not me, nor what it means to be me. It’s just a thing, like any other sort of job or career I can put myself into. It’s just stuff ‘on the side.’ The real things that matter are simpler; people and knowledge. The more and more I think about it the more and more I think I’m going to be going back to school for a long time. Not because I care about the career or the money, but because I want to learn and to understand. Perhaps that’s the place to start. But at the same time, even that is weakened right now. I’m going to probably follow through with that, but I need to find something else and I realize it. I’ll keep looking.