#64.5

Waking up today I realized how beautiful the day really was and how much it really seemed to hold once again. I had almost forgotten how amazing it felt to wake up without hurting, to purposely and willingly fight the grey and to simply choose a more loving and happier way. I simply don’t have to choose the lonely nor the depressing anymore and I’m not going to. There are is no longer anything I need to maintain at the cost of myself…and that’s a huge thing for me. Absolutely huge. I hadn’t realized how much everything was wearing down on me. Bah, it was worth it. It’s good to suffer to the point where you simply know that the things you’ve chosen to be important are simply worth more than the suffering and that no matter how bad it gets you’ll always be true. Always. And I always will be, too. Even now, even past my previous state I always will be. As I mentioned before, this sort of state is very much about remembering and holding very worthwhile the past….and all the past is true, both logically and thoughtfully. I still love Kayti and I still love Jessica and I still love Jacinta. And I always will. Why would it ever be anything else?

That’s where I was going yesterday, actually, but never really got to. I was tired, haha. It’s simple, though; I’m true to my past and, over time, I’ve learned to care for it and nurse it as much as I do the present and the future. I think that a lot of problems are because aren’t willing or maybe aren’t capable of synching their past with their present. So many just focus on the present that they simply forget about their futures or their past….and really it’s a sort of holy trinity of sorts because only with all 3 do you see patterns and begin to understand some of the less-readily-visible aspects of the spiritual world we live in and, thus, get closer to that spiritual force. Though, perhaps, I take past to an extreme. And thus I’m distorting my own perception of the world in a different (but likewise faulty) way. I do acknowledge that possibility, but at the same time I don’t that’s really true because I’m always trying to entwine my present with my past and thus, my future too. They’re all parts of the same thing, to be honest.

But anyway, it’s a beautiful day. I just wanted to say that.