#60

Free association by music can be a powerful thing. Just turn it up, turn the bass down and then lay down, get comfortable and close your eyes and just listen. I did this twice not too long ago. The first time was a very interesting experience. I was listening to The Mass by a band called Era and it surprised me the sort of things that sparked into my mind because of it.

To begin with, the music sounds somewhat religious because it’s in a mock-latin language (that is, it’s intonations make it SOUND latin, but it’s just a madeup language with no real meaning behind the wordS) and it’s sung in the traditional religious manner; with a lead who sings short solos while a choir sings chant-like in the background or in between, but they’re softer. Lots of pretty instrumentation too; very mellow stuff.

For the first song, which is a lot like O’ Fortuna!, yet without the intensity because it switchs into a mellow breakdown after the buildup, I thought about just that; the music. The quality of it and why I listen to it. Is this what I identify myself with? I’ve always liked music like this but I never actually considered why; it’s not the lyrics like it is for a great deal of music, the lyrics are actually usually religion-orientated and, honestly, are pretty bland and repetitive. And while the language itself is pretty and all, that’s simply not enough for me to listen to stuff like that quite a bit. I like a lot of languages, after all, I can be well enough to-do without latin. I never really came to a conclusion. I just wondered if this is what I identified myself with…

Then I listened to “Looking for Something” where the lead sings a few lines and then is responded to by the choir. The response is something very hopeful and comforting to her questioning, the desire and longing. I picked up on that more than on the desperation and I considered that. After a bit I thought about Jacinta and I and it somewhat made more sense. I’m not really looking for all that much anymore. I hurt from time to time, pretty deeply sometimes because I’m very lonely at the moment, but it’s really just not a big deal. I really am trying to operate in the other role now rather than looking for answers to my own questions. One might accuse me of constantly questioning and they might be right. However, the tone of my questioning isn’t out of longing or strong desire or desperation. It has none of that which is hinted in the song. Mine just is. It’s necessary to keep my own feet on the ground where they ought to be so I can do the things I’m supposed to be doing. In a lot of ways, I feel like I might’ve found the underlying meaning to what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s simple, really…at the bottom of almost everything with importance that I do, I’m trying to do something for others. I’m not always the most observant, nor am I necessarily all that apt or practiced at being helpful in the right ways for a particular individual, but I try. And I’ve tried for a long time now, naturally. I just hadn’t realized it before because it’s not the sort of thing I would look for when examining my past. I also thought about why…

And I kept thinking about that into the next song, “Don’t Go Away” which is a much more uplifting song than “Looking for Something.” I considered Jacinta and I some more, and it made even more sense as to why I’m like that. It’s pretty simple; on a basic level I’m pretty much a spoiled person because I have such a large chunk of darkness embedded in myself to the point where it’s probably bigger than my other side. I’m not speaking so much as to having a light side and a dark side, most everyone (except for special cases) has a bit of both. But I’m a lot more excessive towards the dark; I’ve seen and experienced far too much and deep down I think I realize that. Tainted, so to speak. So it’s not my place to walk completely in the light and I probably never will. Honestly, I don’t see any way for me to shift out of this role…it suits me. Not much suits me, but this does. Maybe this is all I am, all I can ever be. But that’s alright. You can be noble and courageous and honourable in this, too. By their very nature, the pure are fragile and weak. It’s better that their guards have some steeping in the darkness if only for the experience and understanding of the things that could destroy the purity. A guard doesn’t need to socialize enough with their charge because of their places in life. Low with the high, it doesn’t really fit. And it’s probably better, too, if the guards are to have pieces or chunks of darker things embedded in who they are; that way they can’t get into the soul of the charge. When you put the two together, chances are it’ll transfer to an extent and purity will be lost. So perhaps best to be seperate. But this isn’t so bad…you can have immense respect and devotion without learned love, without affection and caring. Perhaps it’s easier that way, even. No troubles if you don’t care so much that you sometimes get tripped up. And really, that’s not so bad, that life. The unity still achieves whatever it does together. So the guards, too, can be a part of something bigger, despite being merely a defender. There’s quite a bit that is noble about it…there’s nothing wrong with dying for a cause, in fact it’s probably far better if you’ve already accepted death as your fate so it doesn’t bother you when the time comes. Better that the distorted and the blackened take the fall rather than those who really matter; we’re a dime-a-dozen, we’re easily replaced, we’re nothing special. The truly capable, the truly amazing; such people are rare and should be taken care of at all costs. Kind of stunning though…I’m saying I’m easily replaced, that there’s nothing special about it and I’m not upset. Or even slightly bothered. It’s so true, I feel. There are others like me, a great many of us. Maybe not so many as devoted as I am (I’m easily willing to devote all of my time and effot to a particular thing) or as ready to give everything as I am (I have the strength, the will, and I am not afraid), but there are definately others. And there are probably those more devoted and more ready than me, too. I’m nothing special and I’m nothing all that amazing; I’m simply average. Possibly less-than-average because I lack a lot of the normal skills and morals people learn when they’re kids. I was learning other things at the time and the going is slow, now. So just average. But I could be proud of walking this sort of path and in a lot of ways I think I was always trying to without realizing it. It’s why I stuck with Lindsey in huge part, it’s why I was so attached to Jessica and it’s why I talked to her to begin with. It’s just present in so much that I actually do that it’s strange. I can satisfied with this, though. Proud of it. Maybe this is what I was meant to do all along but failing at in a lot of ways because I just didn’t know enough, not enough experience, not enough knowledge. Stupid stupid, that was me. Is me still, I think. Pathetic, perhaps, is a good way to describe me. For now. I was thinking about this while “Don’t you Forget” was playing too. It struck up some more issues about devotion too…for a bit there I was questioning a lot about my relationship with Jacinta and what I was doing but actually thinking about it again and remembering why I’m doing the things I’m trying to do now…I once again feel I was right and

that I made the right choice. I’m doing the right thing, I know I am. She needs someone right now even if she doesn’t realize it and even if she never chooses to rely on me, as she probably won’t lest she get reattached. But she still needs to know that someone would give absolutely everything for her. At least until she finds someone else to. After that I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m sure something will show up, though. Or if it doesn’t, I don’t really need to have a super-ultra-major life goal (as these are to me). I’ve done well enough without one for a long time now, I don’t see why I need one now. On some levels it made me sad though…strongly independant to the point of achieving this sort of thing effectively and maybe some other things, but I’m not going to be the forefront and I never will be. I guess I always knew that though, deep down. I’ve always said “I’m capable of so much yet I always seem to fall short of really achieving” and it was true. It was always true. It was always true and I knew it. And then I’m sad because it’s going to be lonely, here. Does being alone really matter that much?