#52

A continuation of #51.

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Yes, I feel all of these things and I think I finally understand them, too. Those things were mostly set in the past….the extensions of one unity. Physical, mostly. But there are mental and spiritual aspects of that too. Were they always there? I can’t really reply to that one. Aspects of them were. But at the same time they weren’t as poignant early on….hrm…perhaps we just needed to open our hearts to each other for them to take control. But at any rate, that was the past. The mental and spiritual aspects are still pretty much in place and I still feel basically the same way for her as I used to, albeit the form is a bit different nowadays. It’s not so much as a life-mate as I used to view her. Now it’s more like….actually, I don’t know a word for it. Or if there even is such a word. Thinking more and more heavily on what were were and what we are now….I see very little difference. True, the circumstances are drastically different but the reality of the situation, at least for me, is the same. I still want the best for her even if I’m not the greatest at it. I still want to hold her up and push her towards the things she wants to do, needs to do. That’s what it always was, really. To protect and support. Yeah, there were other aspects to the situation. But those were always the most powerful ones, ultimately. Even desire to be with her as a mate is secondary to those. What does that mean for me? What does that say about our relationship? To me it’s simple.

1) There’s something extremely special about her in accordance with me as explained in #51.

2) The fact that my feelings for her haven’t diminished at all despite a significant passing of time suggests that they’re far more powerful than most everything else I felt. While the passions of other relationships have been comparable, the stamina doesn’t seem to be all that close….I’ve let go of basically all the rest. Even with my own family. The fact that this one has lasted longer than those suggests to me that they’re a great deal more powerful than just my ordinary emotions and reactions. There’s a lot more to this one but I’m not gonna bog it down.

3) So therefore there is something more here. Something more to be accomplished and something more to be done. Maybe I’m supposed to be here. Maybe I need to be here. At any rate, I’m going to be here even at detrimental cost to myself. That’s my ending.

And that’s what I was always doing too. Looking back to the past I see that I’ve always reacted like this in the end. I just conciously realize it now. I did it with the knight reaction, I’m doing it now conciously. Not only do I realize what I’m doing, but now I have reasons for doing it beyond just desiring to emotionally/subconsiously. I don’t know much about where I am, but I’m starting to feel that this may be something I’m supposed to be doing. Maybe it’s just one small thing along the way or maybe it’s everything. So either way I need to throw myself into it regardless of the consequences. So I’m going to.

That’s funny, isn’t it? To accept a relationship you treasured more than anything else as secondary to holding up the person you once had a romantic relationship with? I think it is…to most it’d be one and the same, I can see that in people. But of all people, in me? I wouldn’t have thought I’d be able to seperate the two. But seperate I have. I’d like both but chances are I won’t get both…I still feel deep down she’s not going to allow it to happen. Or maybe that’s my self-doubt. When I doubt my ability to understand really starts messing up…I worry too much about that. So lets just not worry about whether or not we’re getting back together. Let’s focus on what matters more. The Stars and the Dreams. She’ll reach them and I’m going to help her. That’s what matters more. In a lot of ways that’s a more attractive prospect than merely dating her. That’s weird too. It’s a lonely prospect and most likely a fairly hurtful position to be in because I know I’m constantly going to miss her as things go this way…and that’ll never go away because if I am to hold her up I’m going to have to maintain a strong relationship with her in some form and it’s almost definately not going to be the romantic relationship I desire. But I still would prefer this rather than the romance. That’s so…so odd. I’m not like that. I’ve never been like that. I’d always want everything or I’d want nothing. So much about the situation is strange and unlike me as I was. Mmm…perhaps it’s the logical progression of things, though. Hrm….I suppose it’s more attractive to me because it seems to be, to me, something a lot more important than just sense of self. It’s something about unity and about everyone. It’s not a person revelation, it’s going to be something for everything. It almost has to be. Mmm…that’s what I’m starting to expect in her. Hrm. So perhaps that’s why.

I’m willing to go all the way for it too. I had a dream about it. Something happened to her and she was really sick with something in the hospital. Not sure if it was a disease or some sort of trauma but she wasn’t doing well. Very terribly, actually. She asked her parents if she could see me before she died and because it was that bad they agreed to it after a bit of defiance and being upset about it. It actually came through her sister on the net because they didn’t have my number here (and Amy doesn’t give out my numbers generally) because her sister still remembered my yahoo sn. I called and I asked them if i could borrow the money for the flight because I didn’t have it yet. My check doesn’t come in until the 30th and then it’ll be on a hold because it’s quite a large check. I told them about that and promised i’d pay them back + a little extra too for interest. After a bit they agreed to get the ticket and the next day I figured things out with full sail for a 1-month leave of absense. And I left in 2 days. I made it there and I met her father…and it was a really tense situation, honestly. He didn’t like me and I could sense that in him. It kind of hurt me, actually…I really would prefer if he didn’t feel that way about me. We talked about Jacinta after some silence. About what was happening. About what the doctors wanted to do. Why. Different alternatives. We didn’t have much time to go into anything in depth, though. We were there. After the ride we got to the hospital and I went to her right away. She looked really gaunt and thin and terrible…very much different from the radient girl I remember. I asked her how she was doing quietly and took her hand and smiled and she smiled back. We talked some and then I talked a bit with her about where she was and how she was feeling. That hurt a lot more than I ever thought it would. She shouldn’t be the one in that sort of situation, I should be. I’m tougher than she is when it comes to those sorts of things, I should be the one who deals with the pain. Then we had to go because of the doctors. I stayed a bit and discussed with the head doctor some more aspects of the disease. Then we left and her parents said I could sleep on the couch since I didn’t have much money. I thanked them and then they kinda ignored me, as did her sister. I didn’t really expect to be shunned like that after them letting me into their house…meh, it didn’t matter I guess. Th

e dog kept me company. Seemed pretty old, though. And I couldn’t sleep. I got up and wandered around quietly after everyone went to sleep. I happened upon Jacinta’s room after a while and flicked on the light and stepped inside. It was quite a bit different then I expected it to be…and it felt really strange too. For as much as we’ve been through…i’ve never actually been to her home, let alone to her room. It just felt terribly odd when the time came. Almost like I didn’t belong. Not someone like me. It was a really powerful experience at the same time…it was all her, everything in the room was imbued with her essence. Her triumphs, her failures, her aspirations and her dreams. It was all there, right there in the room with me. The little blanket she still sleeps with, the pictures, the trinkets laying around, the books…they all meant a little something. I found her laptop there too. I pulled it out and started looking things up on it. I found a notebook laying around, too, and I began to start taking notes as well. I reached out to some of my other specialized friends too, particularily wiggin and yeufann. Fann….fann who I haven’t talked to in ages. It was weird at first, but he’s a good person at heart and soon all that was forgotten talking about Jacinta and what she had and how it worked on a molecular level. He was familiar with things like that and he understood what the scientific journals were saying and he explained them some to me and suggested talking to some people…wiggin didn’t really have that much. After a while wiggin left, then fann. I kept looking though, kept digging up information and kept trying to understand it….and I must’ve fallen asleep because the next second I was woken up by her father shaking my shoulder. He didn’t say anything other than that it was breakfast and they were wondering what happened to me. Still the cold shoulder. We got up and went to the table and her mother asked me what I was doing. I told her I was looking up information and I showed her the journal and my notes. Not much else was said. We just ate kinda quietly. I went back up to the hospital myself while everyone else was doing what they needed to be doing, work and school and whatnot. I rode the bus and reread my notes and thought more and more about explanations and then I weighed treatment options and dangers…and then it struck me how odd it was to be out in oregon again. The place felt comfortable in it’s own way. I didn’t know why. Sigh. I got there after a while and walked up the stairs with the notebook under my shoulder. I didn’t feel like taking the elevator, not really. Better to move and think than stand still and do the same. I had some questions for the doctors but first I went in to see her. She looked much worse than the day before. I took her hand again and we talked some. After a little bit of lighter things, I told her that she shouldn’t be afraid and to be sure of herself and the situation. She seemed worried, to me. I told her that she hadn’t done whatever she was supposed to do yet, so this couldn’t be the end yet. So smile, this’ll pass. She told me maybe not. I dunno, that struck me as really odd coming out of her. But maybe she was right. After thinking about it some I told her that if she needed to she could take some of me if that’s what it took to get by. Just take a piece of me, or all of me if you need to, let me carry you through this. I’m here for you no matter what happens. You’re not alone. Then I took her hand and pressed it up against my chest and something was different and it slipped through and touched something altogether different (just like how I explained it in 51, but the other way around) and it was the most radient thing ever after that. She smiled at me and she shone like the sun and then I woke up.

So maybe that’s what I have to do. Give her everything. Sometimes I worry about whether or not my feelings and opinions when it comes to spiritual things like this are grounded in reality (like I am right now as I write this) rather than in romantic idealism and desires….but at that moment it wasn’t like that at all. I knew. Give yourself smiling to her, it doesn’t matter about you; she matters much more. Give everything if you have to; it’s what you’re supposed to do. So I did it. Meh. It’s strange, isn’t it? To not be entirely sure of yourself on things like this. It’s weird where I am…I’m almost scared I’m not going to be able to do that for her if the time comes. I’m pretty tenacious but I’m not all that strong all the time…am I really tough enough to even do that if it comes down to it? Everything, even my life, even what it means to be me? I don’t know. Maybe it IS just my romantic idealism speaking….I’m not absolutely sure. But at the same time it’s true. This probably always was more important than my relationship with her. From my attempts to encourage her to not be naive in various ways (from harassing religion some to theories about nothingness and reality to talking about people) from the start of our relationship (and that’s what they were from my point, I wasn’t just being negative to be a dick) to trying to encourage her to do the things she loved even though I wanted more and more of her attention. I started pushing to improve myself because I wanted things to be better and more enjoyable for her. It always was about her and not about me so much. I’m happy when she’s happy though so by focusing on her I’m happy too. But it always was there, I’ve always wanted her to be a happier person and to be a better one who achieved more. In some ways it’s like I want her to be because I never was and probably never will be. Just look at me, I’m not going to ever go anywhere, not really. I’m going to be average and that’s ok. So was this always in place underlying my other feelings for her? Hrm. I’m not sure. I’ll dig up the answer eventually though. For now I mull about this and what I’m supposed to be in accordance with her. Hrm hrm hrm. Yay for heavy thinking late at night.