#50

I’ve been considering things lately, particularily how all this thinking on metaphysical issues and my lil theories I’ve been toying with lately. It’s been biting into my time quite a bit. Actually to the point of almost undermining my goals of doing my absolute best at full sail. Full sail, though, isn’t consuming me as much as I thought it was going to. I mean it sucks time like WHOA, but it doesn’t drive me. My thoughts on things like the spirit and reincarnation…they drive me. The thought of Jacinta drives me. Not full sail. So I’m giving it less time because of that. It doesn’t consume me nor does it matter to me as much as the other things. Hrm. I was thinking of this and I think I decided….that as long as I continue to take the time I’m at full sail and push my absolute hardest when I devote time to it I’ll still do well. I might not do AS well with these other things on my mind, but that’s alright. Simply put, they matter more. Continuing to be devoted and to keep myself on this path that I’ve chosen to walk and on the path I’m trying to walk is more important than being the absolute best at the school. Continuing to develop myself as a person and to continue to search and to (hopefully) eventually find what I’m looking for and just having that is also far more important than being valedictorian at school. I just wanted to acknowledge that vocally so that it’s known. It’s one thing to feel something, but something quite another to speak it out loud…it’s easier to follow through if you speak of things. It’s good to acknowledge this, I think. Why? So I know what my priorities are. It goes like this right now.

1. Developing my beliefs and re-examining the world around me. I can’t just stop now that the ball has begun to roll…with these new stances on life it’s of the utmost importance that I continue to search for what God is and to feel out and consider aspects of the connections between us, life, others and God. It’s of the utmost importance to really find what it is and why I should (or should not) believe in these things…truth is a very important thing to me. And this truth…this truth is everything. It’s absolutely everything, how could it be any less than most important? Everything is of this truth, thus everything is lesser than the truth. Without this truth, whatever this truth may be at it’s core, there is nothing.

2. Keeping myself knowledgeable and aware of my situation concerning how I’m changing lately and directing that into the sort of person I want to be. This one borders with number one as far as importance…but number one has the trmp that without it, I wouldn’t be here to improve myself, so this one is bumped to two. This one is still very very important, though. If I don’t push myself in the right directions I might revert back to the sort of person I used to be and just cause more pain and suffering around me. It’s very very important to me that I not do that. It’s also very very important to me that I be the sort of person Jacinta would want me to be….I’m still not entirely sure why but it matters the world to me that she be proud of me and who I am. Right now I don’t feel I’m all that worthy of that so I’m going to keep chipping away at it. I will be, eventually, I hope.

3. Staying loyal to Jacinta. Seems strange, does it not? We’ve broke up and we’re definately not dating (nor even talking for the most part, at this point. Circumstances suck), so why does it matter? Doesn’t it seem obsessive? Sure it does. It would probably be considered to be by many psychologists, too. However I feel it’s also the most justified move to make here. I don’t want anyone else anyway, I’m happy to just be single at this point. If I need physical affection, (which I’m not sure I need, probably don’t actually outside of occaisional hugs which are no problem at all), I know where to find it. I still have her love and the love of others so i’m good on that front too. I don’t need another relationship nor do I want one. So why stay loyal? Why does it matter? Another easy answer. Because I love her with all my heart. So I’m going to stay devoted no matter what. Even if she finds a new guy to be with, I’m still going to support her (and the relationship). It’s the only justifiable way to act, honestly….to always support the people you love no matter what. A side-reason for this is because she’s my muse in many ways…my inspiration. It’s not only just but it’s also honourable and natural for me to react in this way…to hold up your muse and to cherish her no matter what happens to her, to you, or to the world around you. She really does matter that much. To be honest, she’s very much like number 2. She competes for the number one spot, too. Of course she’s trumped by one because, without that, I wouldn’t be and nor would she. Without that there is no love, there is no muse. She’s one-upped by number two because of a simple reason….if I allow her presence to continue to direct me I will begin to walk far too closely to the path of obsession and loss-of-self. Thus, I have to keep myself and my self-improvement seperate and above. I’m proud to say that I am not obsessed at this point; I just feel incredibly powerfully about her. However, I could potentially walk the line of obsession if I don’t keep close watch over myself and keep my feet on the path I naturally choose for myself. It’s dishonourable to her to do things because I feel I have to; it’s important to note that I do these things because I want to and it’s my choice to because that is what’s right. Therefore, I have to keep myself seperate and work on myself seperately. That way I honour both myself and her at the same time. There’s definately symbiosis amongst these three as well. If I do better in any one of them, I do better in all of them because they all compliment each other so closely and are so intertwined. It’s a very good working situation, for me.

4. Full Sail. This is the top of my goal list right now. Other than those top three which are far more fundamental and important than merely being a ‘goal,” of course. I’m pushing for valedictorian as well as most likely to succede and also for perfect attendance. I’m actually not doing as well at valedictorian as I could; there are a few people ahead of me at this point. I’m pretty sure I can catch them though. As for perfect attendence, all is well. Sitting on 100% so far. 11 months to go. Shouldn’t be a problem. As far as most likely to succede….I’m doing a good job of networking and becoming known…I’m trying to present myself as someone serious who really is going to achieve lots of things at this point. Not only presenting myself that way, but being that way too. I really DO want to be the person most likely to go places out of there. I really DO want to learn it all very very well and really know my shit when I get out of there. The award for that is, honestly, only the icing on the cake. I really am going to do this and do god damn well at it. People will see. And people will remember and respect me for being a good person and helping others out around me and, hopefully, be encouraged to do the same because I am. If we all help each other, things will work better. Us students, we’re family. I think people at full sail should remember that; we’re all there for the same reason: love of music. That makes us family.

5. Continuing to write he

re. Keeping a strong sense of self is very important to achieve number 2 and to remember number 3 and to keep yourself focused for number 1. Writing helps with that in MANY ways be helping you reexamine yourself and to refocus on what you need to be focusing on. I remember and I will not forget as long as I write. You also find out new things about yourself on occasion when you write. New knowledge is always a good thing. But mostly it’s for remembering and keeping focus (for me).

6. Keeping things cool with the roommate. He pisses me off from time to time but he’s definately, overall, a good guy. I just gotta keep myself cool so I don’t flip on him so things continue to be chilled. This one’s really important, but also really easy to do. I’m pretty positive this one will work out just fine.

7. Watching as many movies as I can. Full sail has a free library of em. I can learn a lot about composition by having blee tell me what things are being done and why and figuring out how films are shot and understanding their composition better than the average joe. Plus good movies make you think and inspire you. Inspiration is very very important to me.

8. Continue to learn other new things. Learning has always been important to me though, for the longest time, I didn’t associate that with school.

9. Shoot my film. Cuz’ it’s mine 😀 And I’ll learn a bit more about film this way as well as networking. Gogo networking.

That’s about it for now. I was going to write a lil diddy on my theory of karma…but it’s almost 4am. I really should sleep so I have the 8 I need (I need to wake up at noon) for functioning adequately for my behavioral science final. So I’m going to. Night night. Love you. 😀