#48

More and more thought. I’m going to try to touch on the issues that I’ve been meaning to write about lately (though I suspect that, after writing one, I’m going to be exhausted of writing and that I probably won’t get to all of them). Before I lose my aspiration to, I’ll begin.

First of all, I’m continued to be bothered by my body. It’s still not what it used to be and I tire extremely quickly and when I try to jog or even just walk quickly I get this weird pain-sensation in my leg. It’s not like any sensation I’ve ever felt before. It feels almost like i’m cramping but I’m not cramping. Muscle tension issues, perhaps? At any rate, the whole trouble with swimming thing is still there in my legs, my arms, and in my chest. See, not that long ago I did and I can barely swim at all nowadays. That’s fucked up, considering I used to be very atheletic, in my opinion. My friends and I were always out doing something or other, whether it was biking around, swimming or sneaking around and then running from the cops (I was a terrible kid). And now….I don’t think I could do any of that even if I wanted to and I don’t know why. Ever since that nerve pinch (and I’m not sure that is what it was, but that’s what I was told it was, most likely) gyms kind of bother me and I have this weird apprehension for actually lifting significant amounts of weight. I don’t really want to push myself to get back in shape that way. So I was trying running and I get winded very very fast and then my lower legs, mostly in my tibalis anterior and the muscles behind it, become very tight though they still work. It’s a really really harsh sort of pain too….hrm. It’s almost scary. It’s moving very fast…my muscle weakening is a lot more pronounced than it was that time swimming across the lake. One wonders if it’s because I’m not exercising or if it’s something else. It’s something that needs to be addressed though, probably quite soon. This walking around all the time definately helps (exercise always helps such things, I think) but it’s not enough because everything is still there. Perhaps 1 hour of walking 6/7 days is not enough, maybe I need to start jogging off and on until the pain goes away and I’m back in shape. Something needs to be done.

Second…I’m getting to be more obsessive compulsive again. I’m starting to slip into routine and I’m losing bits and pieces of my control because of it. That’s what I used to be like, but at the same time is diametrically opposed to the person I grew up to be. Chaos and total judgement and concern for the current situation…that’s not obsessive compulsive, that’s not slavery to the routine and to the situation. I’m doing the same things all the time, now. Perhaps it’s more effective socially…but that’s not necessarily a good thing. Especially when the obsessive compulsiveness comes into play. I know exactly how long my stride is and I have to be ‘equal’ when I’m stepping in accordance to the lines. I have to have the same amount, or at least very very close to, of lines in the sidewalk near my front of my foot as the back, so I jar my pace every 40 steps or so I switch and my front left foot is by the line as the back right foot is. Then you switch to front right foot and back left foot. Just to keep it even. Same with stepping on cracks. If I step on a crack with the back right foot, I’m going to want to impulsively do the same with my back left foot. It has to be even. If I look at something long enough, I spin my head around too…so the picture was in every part of my glasses at least a little bit so it’s all equal. It’s very very strange and at the same time very useless; there’s no point in doing these things but I’m starting to do them again anyway. I used to be pretty bad with it…I was very very particular as to where everything was set up in my room, the GI Joes had to be even with the Evil ones in composition and setup and where they were…or if they weren’t there had to be a pattern and a damn good reason why. My entire room was like that….so the composition was equal. It’s always been about equality. Not numbers, not rituals so much, but keeping everything equal. To balance the sides. It’s odd that it’s coming back, now of all times. I didn’t used to worry about how I walked but I’m starting to once again. So frustrating. I’m not entirely sure how I got rid of it before nor am I sure as to how I should try to go about controlling those impulses now or if I should even bother to. Perhaps they’re not a bad thing at this point and maybe I could devote my attention elsewhere. It still irks me though. Just the fact that I’m doing it again irks me.

Yeah, I’m worn out already. There’s more. I’ll write it out later. Again. Ha !