#45

I’m slipping. I can feel it and it’s beginning to slip through my day-to-day actions when I’m not taking special cares not to. That’s kind of frightening. No counterbalance right now other than myself and I’m not being given the time to take the time out to balance myself. Always working, always moving, always doing. I need the weekend as soon as possible. My only day off is Sunday and then I could take the time to chill out thoroughly. I doubt I’ll be able to do anything truly permanent now without just shoving it under completely, so I’m just going to let it stay in the forefront and attempt to control my…hrm… dissatisfaction?

Beautiful, isn’t it? I don’t even know what’s bothering me. Lots of things are bothering me, but I don’t think it’s any of those things. I don’t think it’s loneliness because that generally expresses itself differently. I don’t think it’s stress from school nor about the apartment or food because those don’t bother me THAT much. So what the hell is it? Maybe I AM manic depressive. Hrm…might as well start taking my lithium again.

Mmm…or maybe I do have apt reason. I’ve never really been this alone before. I always had at least one person I talked to, whether it was a girlfriend or just a good friend. I don’t even have those anymore, since jacinta decided to back down and since I pissed liz off. Perhaps this is the logical progression of that sort of feeling. I don’t even have someone who I’ve been with for a long enough time to pseudo-know me like Amy did. She could tell a lot about me though she never actually knew any specifics. That’s kind of sick, isn’t it? It’s pseudo home-sickness too. But it’s not really right either; I have a lot of friends or at least people who like/respect me. That’s new. That should make me happy, shouldn’t it? I know there are a LOT of places I can go if I want to go out or hang out. But I doubt any of that would help either other than merely allaying the emotional response by replacing my reality with something that diverts my attention. That’s all such things do, after all. Keeping busy….always moving….it’s just diverting attention without addressing the problem. That’s kind of sad, I think. I need to find someone new who’s worth talking to.

But it’s not that easy. By far most of the people I talk to either are too ‘fake’ or they’re too dumb. There isn’t a single person I can think of that I could talk to on a serious level. Too many of them are still wrapped up in the ‘me’ stage of development and have yet to put any sort of value in listening and absorbing. They’re still working themselves out and the things around them. And the ones who aren’t seem screwed up or uncaring or too narrow. oOo, it’s beautiful, is it not? When I have many friends the inherant value of them is quite low. Awesome. Not to mention I don’t really want to talk to any of the guys anyway. So that leaves…Jen. Who I don’t know and barely talk to. Heather who is a friend but who likes to talk a lot and isn’t familiar with people like me and who doesn’t like to listen so much and, I strongly suspect,
doesn’t care to deal with sad or depressing issues at all. Ashley, on the other hand, is so terribly utterly negative and self-absorbed in her negativity it’s unreal. She’d probably get it, but would she care? How would she react? What good would it do me to talk to someone like her anyway? She’s gorgeous but she’s so….so negative. She makes me (when I used to be very negative) look like absolute child’s play as far as negativity. It’s absolutely jaw-dropping to me. I want to help but hrm. I dunno. At the same time it’s probably not worth it. If I do move into a position of that for her then it’s going to rapidly develop into a sort of relationship and then the friendship is going to be shot when I reject it and while it’s still going good I’m STILL not going to really get support. It just doesn’t happen until the other can stand on their two feet as well. Not fun. Choices are limited. Don’t know what to do.

Mmm…been quite a long time since I bothered to take my lithium on a schedule. So strange. Meh. I’m not happy.