#42

A good deal of thinking is being done tonite. I’ll go from thought to thought…

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Nechama Sheli.

Enough said.

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I’ve been wandering for quite a long time now. I moved from place to place but never really had much of a purpose anywhere. I moved from interest to interest, from person to person, but never found what I was looking for. These things, these people, were incredible for me….meant the world to me. But in the end…they’d just fade away and become forgotten except for the memories. Is that all there was to life?

Then my world was turned upside down and a chance presented itself. A chance to step outside of the world I had been living in all my life and the potential for something new and something different opened up in front of me. I ran for it.

But the potential I had thought I saw on the other side wasn’t what I thought it would be. It was just more of the same. But this time I kept moving. I don’t know why, nor what for. In a lot of ways I thought I was just looking for something but I didn’t know what. Perhaps I wasn’t looking for anything after all; perhaps I was just running away. I kept moving. I acquired more interests, found more people, became close with others….and in the end, for as much as it felt like it was amazing and everything, it proved in the end to be just like everything else; temporal. A new stage, a new situation, but in the end the resounding ending was the same. The same.

Is that all there was? I kept moving, for this reason or for that, flounding along and wasting a great deal of my potential on proving how much amazing potential I really had. Nothing was being done. Then I came upon more new friends and new situations. As before, I thought this one would last. In many ways it did and I think I found what I was looking for. But will it last?

I don’t know. But I feel I had it, if only for a moment. I had a friend, a comrade. I had someone by my side who would stand with me through the tough times and it was the most important thing in the world. That’s what I had been looking for all these years. That is worth dying for.

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After that, I feel this final thought to be…beneath and trivial compared to what I just wrote, so I will save it for another time.