#41

Is this all there is? Is the melody I’m playing now all that I’ll ever be able to play towards my aspiration in the ideal of love? Aye, tis another question I don’t have the answer for, but at the same time I still feel obliged to ask it. Asking but destined to not get answers; a sad state to be in.

Why do I ask? Because last night i was thinking, as always at night, of Jacinta. Look at where we are now, look at who and what we are now and then remember what we were once. Hmm…interesting concept. Look at what our love is (was?) and how it permeated every sense of my being so much deeper than my previous ‘loves’ have. I’ve thought about this for many hours and have come to an almost scary conclusion.

It’s simple. I first believed I loved Lindsey. She was amazing then and I still think she is now. I cared for her more than I cared for life itself at the time. Things went their way, as they often do, and then we split. Then things were terrible, but a while later I got involved with Jessica, who has been my friend during the relationship with Lindsey and was one of the bigger reasons I actually left her company. My relationship with Jessica was everything I wanted my relationship with Lindsey to be and it completely shot my previous relationship with Lindsey out of the water. It just seemed….fake somehow. Like I was injecting the meaning into the relationship when, in reality, the relationship was quite abusive and the bond not nearly as tight as I thought bonds could be, though at the time I thought it was almost as tight as you could get.

In reality, that sort of bond is easily, easily broken for most people. I’m slightly different though. I wouldn’t, and I still won’t, give it up. I’ve said the words, I told her I’d be there and support her and care for her for forever and I’m going to. No matter what happens, I’ve given my word and I’m going to stand on it. I still care for her, sure. Far more than for most people, yes, easily. However the facts of the matter are plain; I didn’t truly love her. Strong strong caring, yes, but it wasn’t love, even if, at the time, I thought it was.

My relationship with Jacinta did something similar with my relationship with Jessica. While Jessica wasn’t so much abusive as it was with Lindsey, it was still a fairly self-destructive place to be. But it wasn’t so bad, no. It helped me grow a lot as a person definately. However…the things Jessica and I had were amazing. And my relationship with Jacinta deepened all of those things to levels I didn’t think possible and on other levels brought in new bonds I hadn’t even imagined as likely or normal. But we’re tight, we’re extremely tight. It’s….interesting. Is this what I’ve been looking for all along?

Or is it just another step towards my goal of ideallic love? Yes, I realize the idealism is never going to be a permanent state, but rather brief, so brief, moments of perfect embodiment of love. Or is that wrong? Is total, permanently ongoing living in/of/for the ideal possible? Is what I have with Jacinta just a shadow of something more, as Lindsey was a shadow of Jessica, as Jessica was of Jacinta?

On a similar subject, I often think that I never really loved Jessica or Lindsey now. Maybe that’s wrong, too. If they’re just shadows of the next level, perhaps they’re like an unpolished stone. Perhaps I really did love them all. Deeply and powerfully even. But the expression was muted because of the dirt and grime surrounding the gem. Jessica and I were just a ‘more perfect’ quality stone than Lindsey and Me. Actually…thinking deeper on this, I think this definately could be possibly true. Maybe it was just avoidance of thinking and accepting the past to say I never loved them. That’s bullshit in a lot of ways. I would’ve died for them with a smile on my face. I would’ve laid my future down so they would be happy. It just didn’t matter. Yes, it was love after a sorts.

Love or Madness. Perhaps it was obsession that drove me to act the way I did. Someone once said that “Love is a Mutual Madness.” Interesting concept. But is it mad? I’m not so sure. In a lot of ways I’m tempted to say it isn’t. It’s too logical and too certain. I think that, perhaps, madness is only the reaction of a idiot who didn’t understand the things going on in front of him. There’s always logic in many ways. Though a lot of the time the actions of some aren’t fathomable to others, that doesn’t mean they’re insane. It just means they’re coming from different angles. Autistic people aren’t insane; they just work differently. In many ways I feel the same about schizophrenics. Mmm…yay for having a background in psychology. I don’t really think there is such a thing as madness; just acting the normal way and acting abnormal ways. That’s all. Motivations are different for everyone, as are feelings. And aren’t those the two reasons people do everything? Motivations and feelings. Just because they aren’t the norm, does that mean they’re ‘insane’? I don’t think so. Just different. Maybe socially unacceptable, perhaps detrimental to the person and/or to others around the person, but only different. To rehash an idea I’m adhering to more and more the more I think about it, There is no such thing as evil, only misplaced good. It’s all the same thing, just expressed differently because of associations built around the person because of background. There is not madness, just differences. Granted there’s more to that statement than this simplistic intepretation, but I feel that it has a lot of relevance here as well.

So coming back to the idea at hand. Is what we have the ultimate? I honestly can’t see how there could be all that much more. Sure, some aspects, especially physical ones, could be fleshed out a good deal more, but love isn’t of the body as much as it is of the soul. Can you entwine more closely with another’s soul than we have? A scary thought….because Jacinta and I are very very close. Closer could be scary to be so…open and fragile. In a lot of ways I’m already like that with her. If anyone could really truly damage me, it’d be her. But i trust her not to hurt me and I know she’s the same way with me. It’s liberating. I just wish circumstances could be different now…I really miss having a relationship with her. I dunno, I think I’m satisfied being done with relationships for now. I don’t want them, I really don’t. There’s just no way. All a relationship would be for me at this point in time would be something physical and nothing more. Someone I could express my repressed desires to cuddle and to kiss and to be close and maybe sex. That’s it. Emotionally, and much more importantly, spiritually, I just don’t want anyone else.

But who knows, I didn’t feel the same way, but I felt similar after Jessica. I wasn’t looking at all at the future at the time though; I just wanted to die and I was going to. Dunno, it’s not exactly “I don’t want anyone else.” Actually maybe nothing like it. I have no idea if it’s going to stick or not. So far it has. It’s been almost a year now…will it last for 2 or 3? Or 20? I dunno. It doesn’t feel so bad. I like being sworn to one person in many ways. My kite, my beloved kite. I love her so much I love the rest of the world because of it. Tis a powerful feeling, that. So powerful that I’m not sure I could go back to not loving everyone. Because of that, perhaps I’m not able to stop loving he

r as well? I don’t know, just an idea. But hrm…I’m so deadly curious as to what lays in our futures….though I guess all this musing is moot. I’m going to be fine alone (as long as she’s happy) as well as if we do get back together and finish off our quite deserved happy ending, so either way things will be fine. Doesn’t mean I can stop thinking of them though. -_-