#35

Utter Silence

There is much to be said for silence, for stillness and for the regality of it all. It holds a certain sense of sharpness, of crispness to it, especially to thought. In many ways, you don’t feel so alive as when the rest of the body and soul fall silent. There is a great worth, there. Only when the rest of the soul is silent can you be truly sure of yourself and your decisions. It’s easy to make decisions when caring, anger or any number of other things are pushing for them. But are those decisions always correct? Are they always worthwhile? For me, I think they rarely are as correct and as effective as they could have been. I make so many small mistakes, even now. Only in silent, impersonal yet extremely personal thought are the right decisions likely to be made.

A World without You…

I have a lot of time to think, now. There’s a lot of calm; a great stillness hangs over my life now. Perhaps not forever, but for now my life is silent. Very much like the uneasy silence in a dream…when an shadowy-cloaked enigma pulls you from the rush of life and then presses a finger to pursed lips. “Shh…”

You said you’d never…

But what do words have over actions? This is where we lay now. This is how things stand; in uneasy silence. I am unsure of you, as I am on a great many levels lately. You seem so very different, like there might have been something I could have completely missed. Was I really so blind? Was I just looking for the things I wanted to see and ignoring the subtle nuances behind the rest of it? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter anymore, so I don’t worry about it. I know who I am, I know where I am. My soul is so much stronger because of how things have went and I think that this last time might be the last time I ever break like I did. No more. In the darkness I’ve found me and rediscovered the things that make me who I am.

Something so natural.

Like the flowing of the wind at night. Like the patterns the rain makes on a lake during a midnight downpour. There are eyes to see even in the darkness, even when you’re blind. I knowingly and willingly submit to this blackness; there isn’t anything more that can take these things from me. I talked to her before of this, asked her what she thought and she told me “You would let me see. I can trust you to be my eyes, my other senses would take over the rest. You wouldn’t let anything hurt me.” An endearing answer, and correct in it’s own way, but it wasn’t what I was getting at. The reality of the patterns in the rain and inky blackness and of black blindfolds tied is much more deeply personal, to me. I was telling her “I feel I’m reaching a new level of development…like a samurai reaching such a status at swordplay that he leaves the dojo where he trained all his life and travels his skills and hones on his own, with his own strength; the world is shifting from learning and being coddled and helped and taught to one of much more fierce independance. There aren’t so many people who can teach me and mould me so deeply nowadays…the time for that is over. Now the time is to learn many little things from many people and put them together myself, to reach and strike through the darkness with a blade of light. I’m strong enough, now, Jacinta, I’m powerful enough and I believe enough. Even with my eyes held back from me, still I’ll cut, still I’ll find my mark, still I’ll move as easily and naturally as I would if my eyes were still with me. There is no more fear in the darkness; it’s as much a part of me as my arms, as my heart, as my instincts. I’m a part of the world around me, the entire world is me and I am it; we are one. There is no need to see; I can understand and that will be all the eyes I need. It’s like the most natural thing in the world, so simple.”

The memories beyond.

It doesn’t mean I’ll forget my past, though. While things are changing and moving forward and I’m rapidly becoming someone extremely different from the person I was before, it doesn’t mean my memories are worthless. My future, my present, my past, they’re all one. Remembering and cherishing and smiling; these things I shall not forget. Simple Harmony. Now is the time for the memories beyond that I’ll soon experience, that I’ll soon touch and resolve, hopefully in the directions that I want to push them in. Now is the time, not tomorrow, not a month. Now. If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

Something so simple.

Now is the time! There is no other answer. The dam has been breached and the waters flood, through, now is the time to move. There is not other way, NOW is the time! You can’t sit back forever, that much is obvious. Haven’t you looked around yourself? The things I look up to, the things I constantly talk about and examine aren’t out of this world, they’re not based on heresay or overly complex mind-boggling thought, it’s all right there, right in front of us. It’s right in front of us, all of these things are bound together right before our eyes; we just need to look for them to see. The world isn’t bound together in a mind-boggling way, there’s a liquid consistancy to it all in coalescing in all of the ultimate ideals. It’s all right there, I see that now.

A creature born of ignorance.

Isn’t it funny that someone like me could change so rapidly and so fundamentally? I used to be exactly the kind of person I don’t care for now. Such an ignorant, angry person was I, it seems almost like a dream, now. It just proves a very important thing, I think. That there is always hope. There is always a chance for the better, absolutely always. If I can do it, then anyone can. It’s not impossible; take my hand and I’ll do my best to show you how you can, too.

We’ll go Together.

Come dream with me, come reach with me. We’ll reach the Stars together. We’ll reach it all together, no matter how different we might be. We are one, we are the same, there is nothing to shake us if we should decide not to let it, let us go! You to your dreams and your ideals, me to my Love. Love, whose ultimate representation is so impossible to grasp…we can reach it!

That’s funny…She looks just like you.