#28
I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Lots of things have been on my mind lately (and when aren’t they, really?). I’m going to sound almost childish with this (not to mention like i have bad taste in music, heh), but I’m going to write with a song that used to really describe me and where I was at in life.
And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been awhile since I first saw you
And it’s been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it’s been awhile since I could call you
It’s really been quite a long time since any of these things….seems like ages ago. I still remember so far, almost perfectly, actually. But it’s been a while. Since I could rely on you instead of on myself….I’ve grown stronger, much much stronger. My inner tenacity grew a more tenacious, to be sure. But thinking about it….doesn’t it seem a little strange that we’re apart when (I feel) I’m at my (so far in my life) best suited to you, and us to each other? Funny how things work out…sad, too.
And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means
It’s been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn’t addicted
And it’s been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and
And it’s been awhile since I’ve gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it’s been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you
And it keeps me moving. I may have started all of this, I may have overstepped boundries I shouldn’ve have, and I have definately made mistakes….but there’s hope all the same. Moving, sculpting, repeating….I feel that I’m getting more and more successful with everything. With others, with my family, with those around me. I smile and try to help now…honestly with no thoughts to what I get in return. That makes me happy…more so than all of the ‘superiority’ and achievements over others that used to. A great deal more so, to be honest. I’m not screwing up as often now…I’m beginning to help people along and that makes me happier than almost everything. And it’s all thanks to my three great girlfriends. Strange, isn’t it? They didn’t sculpt me…this is now a conclusion made by lenghty talks about change and weekly focusings on that by anyone other than me. They just supported me and gave me good role models to follow. I did this. In a lot of ways that makes me more proud than anything else ever has. Not that I’m the only one involved, of course not. Without my support from the girls who mattered to me most and the support of Amy and my friends I wouldn’t be here either. In many ways I feel I owe them a great debt for all of this…I did it but they had a hand as well.
And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
It’s strange….I used to feel this all the time. Not anymore though…I think I’ve really truly found myself and I don’t think i’m going to waver like I used to. I knew myself before, but I know where I am now, I believe. I almost don’t even remember what it’s like to be so bothered that you wish and wish for just a calm day amongst the storm…I almost don’t remember that anymore even though that consumed a great deal of my childhood. Strange how times change…
And it’s been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it’s been awhile since I said I’m sorry
And it’s been awhile since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face
And it’s been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste
Almost perfect….it’s all still there, mon ami. It’s all still there, even though it’s been such a long time. I still remember the twinkles in your eyes when you were happy, the flash of your teeth, the press of your lips, your scent,the way your hair was slightly different in scent then the rest of you…I remember your body, how it felt when your arms were around me, I remember knowing and understanding you and your body as well…even though we got preciously little time for it…I still remember just the way you’re shaped and how you curve and all. Mmm…I still miss that. I really truly do. Though this is the way things have to be, then I’ll be happy with them. I’ve been developing and focusing more and more on my feelings of compersion for you….and it works. I don’t see anything wrong with it, everything will be ok in the end, I know it.
And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it’s me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been awhile since I said I’m sorry
=======================================================================
Going to just stop here as the moment is somewhat lost at this point…I can’t get back into this mood and thus I can’t say what I’d like to say. I hope enough got across from this alone.