#27

I was in the bath not too long ago and I had a small revelation….one I hope to experience more in the coming years. For the rest of my life perhaps. This night I’ve been pretty damn uncomfortable, you see. As the night wore on I started to get a headache and my nose stuffed up more completely (it has been bothering me all day…but it got much worse as nighttime came), and my eyes began to ache. It’s pretty simple: I caught the cold that Amy has. So I felt like shit like I usually do. See, I don’t get sick very often. Once a year or so, generally….so when it does hit me it usually hits me pretty hard.

I tried ignoring it by chatting with friends I cared for…and with a little simultaneous e-mailing that I actually really like, heh. It worked too, for a while. Of course the cold won eventu ally and I started feeling really really shitty. Tried to deflect it some more by playing some games and it KIND OF worked but not really. So I decided to take a bath as another way to kind of alleviate the symptoms temporarily so I can sleep it off (hopefully).

I got in, got naked, and drew the bath water piping hot….I was going to soak for an hour or so, or so I had thought. I got in, felt the burning caress of the water and I slipped further int til water was covering everything but my nostrils…..and I still felt terrible. And as soon asI sat up I felt a big lurching in my belly and I realized perhaps water this how wasn’t a wise idea. I wasn’t comfortable at all like I usually am. I chilled out for a little while longer and considered my situation as I’m fairly apt to do at basically all times.

I realized something. I was letting my sickness bother me. I was wearing it on my skin like a lot of people do. Letting it dominate me and where I’m at. It was just like something else in my life….just like my sorrow and hurt and pain. I wore that though my skin just like that…perhaps it’s natural to and expected but it’s not something I’m going to do. I have dreams. I have goals. I can’t let things like sickness bring me down, whether of the heart as before or of the body now. I’m stronger than that. The people around me need me to be in case anything actually does happen. So I got up, shampooed my hair and dipped under feeling much more revitalized and powerful, spiritually and I got up without the angsty slowness of one who feels sick. I washed my body too, then, rinsed off in the shower….it was revitalizing. Very much like I was washing the sickness out of my body and keeping it where it belongs; on the inside and not tampering with who I am and where I need to be. I took a deep breath and realized the nature of these things.

I looked at myself and looked at how weak my body is. I’ve been neglecting it, I need to focus more on keeping in shape and becoming strong again. Perhaps it will be expected of me to be fast again, or to be strong, or to fight. I mean to be ready. If I’m not, then who’s supposed to? Fuck that, I’m capable of holding this torch, I should expect no one else to carry it for me, or even help me carry it. And I’m not going to. I’m going to be everything I need to be. I have to be, it is expected of me, it’s where I’m supposed to be. I feel that. This was my revelation…and I hope that every time I’m down I have it again and pick myself up and set myself back on my path. Every time.

On similar notes…I’ve been doing a lot of learning and practicing and attempting with the new people around me….trying to be the new person I’d like myself to be. It’s going to be difficult…in a lot of ways I slip back into the old me, almost naturally…and I can’t be doing that. But in large part I’m very satisfied with my progress. I keep messing up but at the same time I realize when I do it so I can make amends and try to change next time while at the same time being more aware that I react in that way to I notice it before I do it. More work is there to be done but with my noticing things, it will only be so long. Also…I’ve been meaning to post an entry….a much less spontaneous one…it’s already halfway written but I got waylaid (by women who wanted me to sing to them, of course) so I haven’t finished it yet. I’ll post that soon.

Wow. I actually pseudo-blogged this one. Damn it. So much for my aura of mysteriousness and oOoOoOo He’s Sexy !

That was a joke just in case you thought I was serious >_>

Look outside and see the sun; today is going to be a good day.