#145

This nights a little bit different than the past couple. I’m a lot more motivated to write, for one. I suppose there isn’t much else different other than that, though. I’ve been having these ideas and feelings that I felt might be good written down but I haven’t been writing them. I just didn’t have the motivation to.

The break is going as poorly as I expected it to. As per usual, when I’m not doing much my mood sinks pretty quick. I wonder why that is and why I never noticed it before. I’m finding myself doubting my master plan, my feelings for Jacinta, my feelings for others, and just everything about where I am right now. At least I knew to expect it this time…it’s not hitting as hard as it used to for that reason. I expected to doubt everything so it really isn’t as bad as it could be.

Of course, not all of it is irrational. Actually, a lot of it is pretty damn logical and rational for a doubt. It’s like all of my shrugging off of troubles and problems comes back to slap me in the face when the time is mellow enough, laid back enough for it to. It was the same for my grandmothers funeral. I didn’t cry for her when she died, even though I saw it from the very beginning when she was choking on her blood and how they took her out with a respirator. I didn’t cry or get upset when I started calling family and how they all freaked out. Everyone did except my mother….but she doesn’t freak out in that way. She’s more like me. She acts as though it doesn’t bother her. We’re different though. She still feels it when things happen, she just doesn’t show it. I DON’T feel it, I honestly don’t. I just get totally numb and I stay that way for a long long time. I didn’t truly feel or cry for my Grandma, even though she was the most important person to me in the world, for well over 6 months after her death. No one knew either. I didn’t even expect it. The time had passed, things were moving on in their own way. But something reminded me of her as I lay down to sleep and I cried and I cried and no one knew. Long story short, I do that with other troubles too. I don’t get bothered by anything, by anything til after the fact. It’s like I subconciously don’t allow myself to feel the doubts.

Simple fact of the matter is, I might not be doing too well. My loan isn’t working out right now, hopefully tomorrow will be enough to set it straight. My tooth got cracked too because there was a big bone I didn’t expect in my food…am probably going to have to pay a lot for that, too. I don’t think I can afford it. But it hurts too, so that means I probably did something that messed with the nerve of the tooth…which is really, really bad. It’s more than just the tooth when stuff like that starts to happen, you can really mess yourself up if you don’t take care of that. So I’m about to be totally broke in a hurry. Bill, my roommate, owes me well over a thousand dollars now and I don’t know if he intends to pay me back. I think there’s a chance I failed Music History because I couldn’t remember the names of people when it came to the test. I was NEVER good at remembering names, there’s only so many producers and engineers and random artists that I can remember at once. I don’t feel I’m doing very well with my improving myself right now, too. I’ve been too snippy, too….just not how I should be.

The silence chokes me. I can only say so much when there’s only me talking, you know? I can only do so much before the wind of the distance blows my fires out. There are limits inside of me that I never would’ve suspected before. I’m not unending, not really…I’m just not capable of it. I can give a lot and I do, but there has to be something else to charge me and to push me forward. Without that…my feelings and my faith starts to die after a time. I’m only human, just like you. I bleed just like you do….I don’t know what to do about it either…where am I supposed to go from here? My entire world is built upon my premise of what I am, of who I am. If I don’t know me, what do I really know at all? How could I ever know you?

Don’t know where to go from here. Do I give up on it and move on? Give up and start over? Preservere? Surely the most romantic thing would be to keep on going. If I don’t wouldn’t I be a hypocrite? I criticize others, sometimes pretty harshly, about their whimsy-ness, their uncertainty and their malleability. I’d be just like the rest of them…wouldn’t I? Hrm.

With mystline playing and that thought in my mind…I don’t believe I will let go. Not yet. Might as well keep going along the path I’ve set before myself, no? If nothing else, I can say I was proud of myself for it. I didn’t budge, I didn’t bend and I wasn’t manipulated by someone else. I did what I felt was right. I followed my heart and mine alone. That’s a lot. There’s so many people who never really do because they spend all their lives following anyones heart besides their own; their parents, their friends, society, etc. I don’t know if I’ll be able to respect myself if I don’t stay strong and if I give up on it simply because things get tough. Yeah…fuck that. Giving up simply because things are tough, because things seem so far. That’s weak. I’m not going out like that, no way. Even if I go down in a fiery blaze, I’m going down with this in my heart driving me onward.

After all, I’ve lasted this long, haven’t I?