#142

I’ve been walking. That means more thinking, more reading and more doing. Big things, these. That makes for more writing in the end.

Mostly the things slipping across my mind have been quiet whisperings; quick, flashes of the fireflies in my mind (or are they just out of my grasp?). All different, all important. All about the biggest loves in my life. Some call to me more than others do, though.

One…one about God and how my walks are, in some ways, equivelent of the prayer calls in the traditional middle east….time taken out of the bustle and business and ‘doing’ of the day to stop and reflect…to think and to remember ones duty. I’ve been almost unthinking of this….I’ve only realized today…that every day I walk to school I think and I remember God. EVERY day. I feel my God in the wind as I walk to school. I feel him in the rain, in the humidity and in the heat (even though I’m not the biggest fan of that). I see my God in the streetlights at the corner of 426 and Goldenrod. Most of all I see him there in the streetlights. I see and I recognize Him every day…and doing that I remember what’s important. It’s akin to praying, it’s akin to giving yourself up after a sort. But of course, it’s not the prayer call. I think that I’d like to have an actual prayer call….I would go with the muslims and do it with them. They may not be my Jewish brethen, they may not believe the same way I do, but they’re my brothers and sisters all the same, are they not? I think so. I think it’s important, too, to be able to look past your own religion and see what others people are doing right with their own religions. And the prayer call is most definately something they’re doing right. It’s more focus and more devotion…like I ought to be but am not, at least not yet. I’m more devoted to and focused on God that I ever would have thought of a year ago, FAR more, and I just kinda realized I’m more devoted to it than I thought I’d be after I converted, too. But still…it’s not enough, it’s not big enough, I’m not focused enough. More. Five times a day…I think that could do me some good. I think it could do others some good, too. There are far too many people who claim to believe but really don’t…or if they do, they forget. They don’t remember, just like I sometimes don’t remember. That’s not good…they, like I, need to be more focused. More than just twice a day as I walk to and from school. More than that. I need more than that. I want more than that.

Another…another is music, is literature, is dancing…emotions and the most powerful expressions of them. I hear music in my head, playing, thumping, driving my onward even though there’s no music playing. I know, too, that if I try to capture it that I’ll only bastardize the tune I hear, that I’ll only belittle the beautiful little light in my head…so I’ve learned to stop trying to describe it to others. I’ve had enough of failing. I can still listen, though…and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s all the ways I wanted to describe myself but I could never really put down on paper or put into words. I hear it, and that’s enough. I think of the words I’m reading and occaisionally I’m struck with a profound statement that makes me think, that helps me to understand, and that’s beautiful, too. I think of dancing, too…and how much I want to. I think that…I’m going to once I get back into college. I’m going to take classes and I’m going to learn and I’m going to move and I’m going to sing and I’m going to express myself like that…these fireflies are the best. They make me feel so good, so amazing because I know that they’re there to be found in life, that they’re right in front of me if I only accept them. Sometimes they’re not as pleasant as I might like though. Sometimes they lead to others. Like when I think of dancing…I almost inevitably think of a partner….and whether or not I like that idea. Even though I know it’s not logical, even though I know it’s not right I start to think…

of Jacinta. She’s my dance partner. I still feel that, even after more than a year I’ve yet to really get rid of that idea. I felt so different dancing with her than all the times I tried before. It was exellent with her, it was so fluid instead of clumsy. It’s more than just that, though….I know it is though I always try to attribute it to that. I’m not over her, I’m really not. I’m still hooked on her. >.< I think of my dance partners and then I think of hers and it bothers me so much. Not that she dances with someone else, that's not that big of a deal, but that she's going replace me as her partner, that she's going to find someone else. It terrifies me. I don't even know why, not logically. I could provide you with a hundred reasons why I do, but none of them are logical. She's still the firefly I see most, the one I'm looking towards most…she's still burning in this summer sky in front of me every day. There just really isn't anyone else. And I HAVE seen things in other people that I'd date them for. I've liked people and enjoyed them and I know that I COULD date them and enjoy it but….none of them have the spark that she has, none of them have the glimmer in their eyes and none of them have the importance that she does. Those people and I…they wouldn't last. They simply don't have the similarities, the bonds that Jacinta and I do. I've been nothing but vindicated in this, too. My friendships with these people have all deteriorated bit by bit from that point back into friendship or they've burned away into nothingness…tis something to take note of, I think. They're just attractive people; they are not Her.

She’s still my butterfly…she’s still the one I remember as I go to sleep at night, she’s still the one I love. I wonder what she feels. She told me before that she’s going to date. I know she will…eventually. So what am I supposed to do? What can I do? Nothing really…so I’ll do nothing.