#131

I looked back over everything, the e-mails and the conversation and all. It’s been bothering me since last night. I’m not used to being shot down like that. Hrm…she wasn’t yelling or aggressing or anything. Maybe it’s just because…she wanted to tell me, she wanted me to know, but she doesn’t want to go into it much. Mmm….maybe I was overreacting, partially because of the erroneous one’s goading at my nonchalance over it all.

I should trust Jacinta, I think. So while it’s important to acknowledge that it was pretty much inevitable that I try to support Jacinta through it, that perhaps what she was doing wasn’t just an emotional dealio at all. I mean it was at least partially, but perhaps it wasn’t what I thought before. Hrm…I’m going to leave everything I wrote there. I realize it may spark a fight, that it will almost definately spark words, but I feel that the feelings are important. If not for Jacinta, than for the other people I’ve been letting treat me how they like. It’s important to remember the conclusion. It’ll be something that, if I ever do choose to look back on this blog in my future, something that I might need to realize once again. There’s nothing wrong with one’s truths, nothing wrong with being wrong about the situation, like I feel I probably was over the situation with Jacinta last night.

Mmm….I’m still not sure what I feel exactly over everything with her, though. It bothers me that she associates me so much to what Ash is going through. That’s not me…that’s not what I was ever about. That burned at the time and it still does. Doesn’t she have more faith in me than that?

I think that my intial reaction of nonchalance about her reaction towards my trying to be supportive was the right move. Jacinta isn’t the normal girl and the erroneous one doesn’t understand that. How could she? Some people are different. She was probably doing just what she purported; trying to avoid feeling hurt more as well as a fight with me. I don’t think it was as disrespectful as I thought last night.

On that idea though….I still think that she might’ve handled it better than she did. How can you expect me to turn away and just leave you alone after you tell me, after you show me that you’re really hurting, love? I wouldn’t turn you away for anything…my loved ones are my priority and they always have been. I just want you to be absolutely sure that you’re not alone because I won’t let be completely alone if you don’t want to be. Only if you want to be.

I know that assuming that I wouldn’t try to offer help (even if you tell me no) after showing me that you’re hurting is a silly one too. Not just with her, but with anyone. On the extreme, I’ve been told many times that someone wanted to be left alone and virtually every time it’s been the right move to not leave them alone. Actually, what I found most of those times, with friends and with loved ones, that ‘leave me alone’ actually means not to. Sometimes the person turns out to be suicidal. Sometimes they just want to keep ignoring the problem rather than confronting it and maybe overcoming it. I know I’ve had a lot of experiences with the suicidal who use the whole ‘leave me alone’ thing after explaining a little bit about how hurt they are…sometimes it’s the totally wrong move to not offer help, to not press at least just a little bit. I know Jacinta isn’t that person, she’s not the suicidal person, or at least I hope not. The feeling stays the same, though. Sometimes leave me alone means stay close. I know this from my experiences with Jessica. *shakes head* It was inevitable that I at least tried. I don’t feel guilty or bad about it. I’m trying to be a better person. I can’t let maybes and possibilities pass me up. I can’t get into that cycle of only trying to help when I want to, when I feel it’s safe to. If I don’t reach out when I feel that I should…then who knows who I might pass by, who might need me. I feel I did the right thing, just in case she really did need someone. After all, who tells someone about their problems and who tells someone about how they’re hurting if they don’t want to be listened to and to be understood?

…I hope Jacinta’s sleep was good for her. I hope she closed her eyes, if only for a moment, and let go of the stress for a little while. She’ll come back stronger for the sleep. I hope she smiles today, honestly, and I hope things go well for her instead of continuing to go poorly. I wish that something goes very right for today to provide some contrast to the stress and the bad things going on. *nods* That’s what I want. Me? I’ll be fine. I don’t want anything at all, just do that for her.