#129

Got another e-mail from Jacinta today. Basically it was affirming what I was aaying, more or less, in the last entry. Frustrating. I just don’t understand why she can’t rely on me. Doesn’t she trust me? It really feels like she doesn’t. I get the feeling that sometimes she sees me as something dangerous. As something that will take away all the good things in her life simply because of who I am and what we once were.

I’m not like that. I truly don’t understand why I’m cast in such a dark, unearthly pallor. We loved each other and enjoyed our time with each other. It ended badly, yes, had bad aspects, as all relationships do, and we went through troubled times too. Does she blame me for the things we went through? I don’t get that. If she does it’s pretty shitty of her because our being together and going the ways we did were OUR doing. Our, not just mine. Beyond that, too, a lot of the things that happened, most of them even, were out of our control. It wasn’t something we could’ve dealt with or changed in any way. It wasn’t like I was her kidnapper or her abuser intentionally pushing her back into hurt and pain, it wasn’t as if it was a cycle I thrived in and exalted. I was trying to pull myself out of the pit for her. I was trying to make things happier for bother of us. I hated the hurt and I hated the goddamn pain. I really did want things to be better and she knows it, I’ve told her all of this before and I know she’s heard me. Maybe she doesn’t believe me…

Why am I something to be avoided and not relied upon when she tells me she wants to feel loved, wanted and understood? I make it pretty damn clear here that she’s going to be the bottom line right now. I love her, I want her and I feel I do still understand her to a good extent. Obviously I’m not the genie in the bottle with understanding though. I’d understand more if she told me more. Thing is she doesn’t talk to me much anymore. So of course I don’t get much of it at this point, I guess. Without knowing specifics it’s hard to apply my knowledge of her as who she really is. But still, I still feel those things for her…and if she has one, why couldn’t she find more? It’s important to not feel completely alone, I think. Because if you have at least one, you’ll be ok. Everything will be fine in the end because you’ll get through the hard times with the one and then good times will come again, things will be better, and then you have others. I wouldn’t be bothered if she just relied on me now and then dropped me again afterwards. That’s perfectly acceptable. If you can use me to help yourself out, then please do. Not just her either, I wouldn’t mind people letting me help them ever. Even if that’s all we’d ever be. That’s alright, that’s fine. I don’t mind.

And then I got another e-mail blasting me for replying and trying to be supportive.

……………………

Why in the hell do women do that? She tells me she’s lonely and she’s hurting and I tell her, hey, I’m here for you if you need me, I still care and I’ll do whatever for you, and then they yell at you and tell you you’re not helping and to go away because they don’t want to hear it. What. The. Hell. That’s just being bitchy. -_-

Meh, I’m talking with a good friend of mine, the erroneous one, the erroneous nephy and she’s telling me that I should call her up after the meal because after eating women are less bitchy. And that she’s not giving me any respect so I shouldn’t give any back (i.e. I shouldn’t leave Jacinta alone like she wanted me to and rather call her up and tell her, hey, you’re being bitchy at me because other things are going poorly, I’m just trying to help so don’t gimme that!). Hell, I’ll just post some of the conversation. I’m starting just after I said I’d put what I thought in my blog.

Nephlim17: dont put it in your blog
Nephlim17: ;/ you dont want it to be the same
Halcyon Glaze: I can’t call her anyway
Nephlim17: when you watch television, do you pay attention to the advertisements? no cause it’s always the same shit
Halcyon Glaze: father would flip.
Nephlim17: do something outta the ordinary
Halcyon Glaze: I’m rarely ordinary 😛
Nephlim17: ;d you’ve done what you’re doing before, so it aint ordinary saint jonjon
Halcyon Glaze: even though you’re ever-so erroneous
Nephlim17: you have, many times
Nephlim17: nosir, you’re just stubborn
Halcyon Glaze: I’m not a damn saint
Halcyon Glaze: =P
Halcyon Glaze: see, I would
Halcyon Glaze: cept
Halcyon Glaze: she asked me not to.
Halcyon Glaze: I respect her word. Respect = big thing.
Halcyon Glaze: I already ignored that in just offering to be helpful once.
Halcyon Glaze: I’m not pushing it, that’d be bad.
Nephlim17: ;d she’s not giving you any respect
Nephlim17: so you shouldn’t be giving her any
Halcyon Glaze: Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Nephlim17: ye greatly stubborminded jonjon
Halcyon Glaze: ye greatlysassy nephy
Halcyon Glaze: *bite*
Nephlim17: they dont sir, but believing that if you respect her she’ll respect you is one of the (pardontehinsult)STUPIDEST things you can do
Nephlim17: *chews*
Nephlim17: ;d tasty jonjonflesh
Halcyon Glaze: 😛
Nephlim17: you will get so much more out of everything you do if you simply make sure you’re treated the way you treat other people
Nephlim17: not just the other way around, vengeance isn’t what i’m talking about
Nephlim17: if they dont do anything for you but give you heartache, dont do anything at all for them
Nephlim17: they’re seriously not worth your time if they dont respect you
Nephlim17: *nods*
Halcyon Glaze: Mmm…
Nephlim17: it dont matter if she’s the girl who led zeppelin sang thank you to, or al green lost his sunshine when she left
Nephlim17: even if she’s fucking lucy in the sky with diamonds
Nephlim17: no one is worth the humiliation of suffering their disrespeckt

Hmm…maybe the erroneous one has a point. I’m not being very well-respected and maybe I should be more forceful about that. I’m not sure how I should react here though. I could respect her and be supportive and then I’ll get this. Or I could be more forceful and be like, hey damnit, I’m just trying to help, don’t bite my goddamn head off and maybe get respected more. Hrm. I know Jacinta is her own person and that she’s very special and she’s definately not the average person and works in her own way but…hrm. Even so, I think the erroneous one might be right here. I do deserve better than that I shouldn’t be disrespected like that. There shouldn’t be disrespect for something good like trying to help another person. That sort of action, that sort of mindframe should be applauded and supported, even if it’s not taken advantage of. There is absolutely no reason why I should feel guilty for saying, hey, I’m here if you need me, don’t worry, everything is going to be ok, you’ll find what you’re looking for. Pfft.

Even so, I’m going to leave her alone anyway. I said what I needed to say. She’ll know pretty clearly that I don’t like being bitched at for doing the right thing once she reads this. That’s enough. No need to be heavyhanded, she’ll know. That is enough.