#128

That was strange. Jacinta and I talked about Ashley, a friend of her who’s…going off on a strange tangent. Jacinta is really upset about it and bothered. A lot more than I thought she would be initially. The conversation ended pretty terribly, pretty much with Jacinta just leaving saying she didn’t want to be online anymore. That’s just dandy.

She told me she was getting a weird vibe off me, like I didn’t believe her or something. That really wasn’t true and I told her so. I wasn’t sure where she was to begin with because she hadn’t ever really truly offered up her position before that. I think that’s what she was noticing; that I wasn’t saying anything either way until I was more sure of what was happening and where she was. It ends up that we really were of pretty much the same mindset over the issue; the guy was just amplifying Ash’s inner personality in a pretty non-good sort of way. Jacinta still reacted pretty badly though…I don’t know how else I was supposed to support her and make her feel better. I think that maybe she didn’t even want to be supported or made to feel better. I tried to say it’ll be better in the end because you can only dip so far before it starts showing up in your life and you realize it and then, from there, only wait so long before actually doing something about it. I didn’t really explain that to her though, she already knows that. I just said Ash would come back to the community eventually and she’d be a better person for it probably. She probably will, too. That’s what I told Jacinta.

I somehow doubt a good ending to their relationship as friends will come, even though I’m sure Ash feels powerfully about Jacinta, guilt I think mostly, some anger and resentment too. It shows in some of the things Jacinta’s told me she says. I feel that there’s a pretty good liklihood that they won’t talk again, even once Ash comes back ’round from the little trip she’s having. It’s hard to break the mould once you’re set into it. It’s easier to just find new friends rather than put yourself out there and apologize for being an absolute idiot. So it’s not that Ash doesn’t care and won’t care in the future, I’m pretty damn positive she’ll always care a lot about Jacinta, but I guess I just don’t see her swallowing her pride and apologizing (and putting herself on the line for more pain amd rejection) to Jacinta. That makes me sad. I didn’t tell Jacinta this, though.

I didn’t tell her that I’m not so sure that the guy is such a bad guy though. There’s a way that people in bad places, that people from bad places, for whatever reason, pull down others with them, kind of like miniature black holes. I don’t think that’s evil or so bad, I think that’s just like….human physics, so to speak. It’s just how it is. I doubt he really means to break Ash down and hurt her so much. I mean…could someone ever really do that? I think that…maybe he’s just misguided. That he hasn’t found where his place is, where he belongs, and he’s revolting against it without really understanding what he’s doing, let alone why. I did that once. I did what Ash did once, too. Mmm…I think that, perhaps, both of them will do much better for having had each other in the end. As painful and terrible and as hurtful as it may be, I think they’re both good people and that the only way they’ll ever really truly realize where they’re at is if they dig themselves a deeper hole. Then things will happen and their lives will change, most likely by the two of them splitting apart, and then the innate desire to just sink further and further away from the community and everyone who cares about them will stop. And then they’ll come back. Both of them in their own ways and hopefully there will be someone there to help them along, to help them back into being happy and positive again. I think that the only thing you can do is hope for them and not blame them. Either of them. I didn’t tell Jacinta this either, though. She was really touchy and I didn’t want to upset her. She didn’t want to hear my opinions anyway. Probably still doesn’t. I guess I don’t blame her. After all, what do I know? I barely know either of them, right? Right?

It hurts me to see Jacinta that bothered. I think that…perhaps…for not knowing the specific people as well as I might….that I was right about something before any of this silence was set in stone. I remember telling Jacinta that it might not be her place to judge Ash or her relationship with the guy, that it would endanger the friendship. At least, as merely being a friend to Ash it would. I told her, ‘maybe try to be understanding and supportive even though no one else would’, I remember telling her that. I told Jacinta I would be supportive of Ash from the very beginning, if that’s what she wanted when I talked to her (I was going to because I wanted to help, but in the end that never happened. Ash would have nothing of it). I think that maybe if Jacinta hadn’t attacked their relationship, as mellow and good-intentioned as it may have been, Jacinta’s judgement of the relationship that early might’ve doomed it forever. i think that if she had just shushed about her feelings that they might still be friends. It really bothers me that two best friends are no longer speaking. But…then what’s the alternative? Jacinta not saying anything at all? Then what kind of friend is she? What kind of best friend is she? It’s such a fine line. I think that, even though it bothers me she ignored my advice about how to keep the friendship alive, that Jacinta did the right thing. She just got burned in the end for it. If your friends don’t back you, if your best friends don’t support you, you should at least try to listen to them, try to understand. Keep things civil and don’t lose them unless you have to. But Ash pushed her away instead. Ugh, it’s just such a bad situation. Jacinta did the right thing, I know she did. Even if she could’ve kept the friendship together, what would’ve the friendship been worth if she had? She would’ve been a worthless friend. A transparent friend. Even if the friendship was still in place, how hollow would it be? So there really was no good decision there, just an attempt at following the thin red line and not crossing into either area. Maybe Jacinta just didn’t play it out with enough delicacy, I think. Or maybe it was just impossble to save to begin with. Maybe it was inevitable that things happened the way they did and there was nothing Jacinta could’ve done.

I want to hug her so badly, hug her for real and hold her close. I don’t know any other way to really comfort her…I know she’s hurting and I don’t know to fix it or make it better. I get the vibe that she wants to be comforted and that she wants to feel better about it but that she doesn’t want to be by me. She tells me she wants me to be supportive and whatnot, but I get the feeling that she doesn’t want my support at all, maybe simply because of who I am. I’m her ex and she still cares about me a great deal but she doesn’t want to get close to me. I get the feeling she doesn’t want my hugs, she doesn’t want to rely on me again, she doesn’t want to feel better. At least not with me. I had thought I was doing the right things at least…doing the right things to be positive and to helpful and to help make things better. I’m not used to it and I know I’m not all that good at helping…but I tried. That has to be worth something, doesn’t it?

Maybe not.

I resent that. I don’t like it at all. I’m pretty tired of this goddamn wall between us. I don’t like not getting my hugs returned, I don’t like never hearing the ‘I love you’ that I know would ring true if she said it, I don’t like how she smothers everything that involves letting me into her emotions. But most of all I hate this feeling that she wants to be comforted but that she can’t let herself be comforted by me simply because of who I am. Why is she so afraid of me? Doesn’t she trust me? Argh. I’m not trying to date her damnit, I’m not trying to hurt you again, I’m just trying to help. I just want to help and I can’t help if she won’t let me.

And if that idea is wrong or misguided, why can’t I be told what I’m doing wrong? I was being supportive I thought, I was telling her she was right (and she was), I was trying to comfort her, and I was trying to keep positive about the future and how the problem would eventually clear up and be for the better (as I’m pretty sure it will). What more could I have done?