#124

It’s funny how some of the things you used to overlook as shallow and unimportant turn out to be far more wise than you thought.

I talked with Jacinta tonite and I’ve been thinking about our talk ever since she went to bed. We just chatted and had fun and she really cheered me up even though my day had been a particularily unfun one. I was very happy to be able to come home and end the day on a happy note.

We talked about something important tonite. She told me “You know, I probably wouldn’t have dated you if you hadn’t had your long hair.” I was a little taken aback by that, but instead of letting myself see her as petty, being the sort of girl who only dated certain people, I tried to put myself in her shoes. I tried to see me through her eyes and it suddenly became more obvious. It drew her to me because she was attracted to it. If she wasn’t drawn she wouldn’t have known me for who I am, let alone became so close to me. That’s not petty at all…not really. What’s more is that there’s something very equivelent that I see in her. Her eyes. I told her so. “I probably wouldn’t have dated you either without the sparkle in your eyes.” I really wouldn’t have either. But they do, they shine. They absolutely glimmer. She she laughs, when she smiles and when she cries, they shine and reflect her as she is so beautifully, so amazingly. “The eyes are the windows to the soul” is how it goes. I always thought that idea to be foolish and easily abused. I can easily lie with my eyes, I thought. But, as I grow older and look back upon the things in my life, I realize that…at least sometimes…they really are. Jacinta’s eyes are probably the most beautiful thing about her and I think I know why; it’s because they reflect her soul. They reflect who she really is as well as what she’s feeling at the time. I’ve never been too focused on her body (thought her body is definately good-looking too) and that’s definately not what drew me to her in the first place. It was her personality, it was her eyes, it was her very being. Her soul. And I see it in her eyes now, I see the wisdom in that seemingly kitsch phrase. When I look back and remember her eyes and remember her smiles and her laughs suddenly all of my emotions for her come rushing back. Even though I’ve mostly bottled them up and they’ve been quiet for a long time, they suddenly all came back to me in full force, in every bit of the force of feeling I once had for her. It was like the stormy ocean as the waves crash up against a rocky cliff. It was like your heartbeat suddenly rushing, pulsing, pounding, hammering in your veins, in your head, through your entire body when it is ever-so-often silent, unnoticed and forgotten. It was all the things I’ve felt for her throughout all our years together. “Real Love is Forever.” It reminded me that, even though I’ve been suppressing a great deal of my feelings for her and feelings associated with her, I still love her every bit as much as I did on the best days and every bit as much as I did on the worst. I always did love her, always. Forever, no matter what comes, no matter how pissed or upset I might be with her and no matter what situation her and I might be in, I still love her. Because, as ignorant and blindly naive as it might sound to those who don’t understand yet, real love really is forever. There’s just no ending it. I really do love this girl with all my heart and I don’t think I’ll ever stop for any reason.

We talked more, we talked of what we are now. She said she didn’t know. She suggested that we might be ex-lovers now. But that’s not really true, is it? Were we ever really, truly lovers? I’m not sure we ever were. “Love is a friendship set to music.” She told me that I was her best friend but always something a little more. That’s exactly how I felt….feel…for her, now. Even despite the seperation there’s no one yet who has come to replace her. I have no best friend, I simply still have her. What we had was a dance, a friendship. As silly and blatantly, oozingly romantic as it sounds, that quote, too, proves to be true. We’re more friends than lovers and we always have been. That’s precisely what real love is. Friendship, the closest and strongest friendship you can possibly have. That’s what love is.

I wish I could express more fully, more powerfully just what I feel right now. There’s just so much force that I really don’t know how to explain it. But I know why the birds sing. They don’t sing because they have an answer. They sing because they have a song. It’s own song. This is my song, these feelings of intense powerful love. This is my song and I’ll sing and I’ll sing and I’ll sing.