#112

I found myself once again wanting to hurt myself again today.

I looked at my life today and I considered it. I looked at the person I am now, the places I’m at and what I’m doing. Everything seems ok, everything seems ok and perhaps even for the better on the surface. I’m doing the right things, I’m being the right sort of person, I’m helping out the people around me and I’m doing a good job of that and those things. So what’s the problem? I think that…the problem is why. Why am I doing those things? Why am I being a good person? Because underneath it all there’s a problem. The problem is simple; I dislike myself as who i used to be. I really honestly do. Even if I don’t add to the problems of my past anymore, even if I never do the wrong things ever again (and I’m prone to eventually in the future, I can’t be perfectly good forever), I’ve still been a horrible person in my past. I realize this and I see that…and I think that’s a huge part of the reason about why I’m so focused on being a good person lately. It’s not about Jacinta and what she would have wanted to be anymore, that was only why at the start of this journey. Now it’s because I want to make up for my past. I wonder how long I’ll keep trying to make up for the past…will I ever balance the two out? Is it even possible, considering the person I once was? I’m a good person now and I’m proud of that, but I’m still not a good person overall, I’m really not. I’m just….not.

That fact by itself wouldn’t normally bother me so much. I don’t really see anything wrong with living that way. Even if I don’t ever make enough reparations for my past I’m still trying to do what’s right, I’m doing my best and I’m not doing the negative things I used to. There’s no shame in doing your best and succeeding to a good point, none whatsoever. But for me to keep in this mode, to stay the way I am, I have to stay away emotionally from other people. It’s too much to keep myself focused on my schooling, on my mood and to be focused on keeping my emotions in check with everyone else. It’s just too much work and I start breaking down from exhaustion of so much thought and forced awareness. When I get exhausted I start to slip back and then I start to slip back into my old, demanding habits. I start to spread negativity and be demanding and clingy once again. So I just stay back emotionally from everyone. At this point, even though I have quite a few friends up at fullsail, not a one is close to me. None of them know me for me and that bothers me. I’m lonely, that’s what it comes down to. I’m lonely and I dislike myself. When you’re get lonely and you dislike yourself, it starts to get to you after a while. I can’t get rid of the lonliness because then I’m chancing hurting other people again and having another reason to dislike myself more.

What’s the point of doing it all over again? Even for things going as well as I felt they were with my last relationship, the simple fact of the matter was that she wasn’t happy with it and she would’ve ended it herself. She said it herself. Looking back it seems to me that she had every reason to, too. I was controlling and demanding…even if it wasn’t purposely. I really was trying to encourage her to do the things she wanted and to be happy just as I am now, but I just couldn’t do it, it seems. I would naturally want to pull her close all the time rather than letting her go free. I messed that one up totally, so who’s to say I won’t do it again? I don’t want to hurt someone else like that again. I don’t want to be hurt like that again either. I know that as soon as I get close I’ll just want the same things all over again, I know me, I know myself. I won’t be able to be as encouraging and supportive as I want to be and try to be. Maybe with practice and time I could, but who wants to wait for someone like me to figure out how to do things right? And who says I’ll ever be able to figure them out? Wanting to be close and overprotective is just so natural to me…no one would want to wait around for me and wait through my inevitable mistakes of being overprotective…no one wants to give me that. I know I wouldn’t do it for someone else, so why should I expect it from anyone else? No, why subject anyone else to it? That’d be very cruel of me.

It’d be manipulative, too. It’d be manipulative because, even now, I don’t want anyone else. I still want Jacinta and no one else. I’m way too set on the things I feel…maybe she’s right. Maybe I do overdo everything. Maybe I overemphasize the two of us far too much…but even if I believe that I am, I’m still going to do it all the same. I’m too passionate and I’m too…too something. Perhaps I’m stuck in my rut and apparently I haven’t noticed yet so I keep chugging along, thinking I’m getting somewhere or going somewhere, but really I’m stationary and going nowhere at all. I just keep chugging along, too stupid and too blind to realize. That might be it…but all the same, chug I will. I apparently haven’t been through enough, experienced enough to let go of this one. So while that may be true, might prove to be true in the future, for right now it’s not true, at least not to me. So I still want that one, I still want her as I always have since I met her. So to start a relationship with someone else would be nothing but manipulative of me….I wouldn’t feel for them. That’s cruel. So lonely I stay.

But the funny thing is…even though I want Jacinta and all that back…even if she were to call me and talk to me every day for a week from now and then ask me to date her again…I’d tell her no. I would tell her no and I’m not entirely sure why. The trust thing would be an issue, sure. But I think that it’s more than just that. Perhaps what I want is not so much Jacinta for her but more so wanting the dream back. Wanting the Jacinta I trusted in, loved and would do anything for back. Not that I wouldn’t for the real one now, I definately would do everything I could for her. I don’t know what I’m saying, I guess. I believe and trust the real one, too but there’s…something lackluster about it all. Maybe it isn’t just her that I want, but I want the hopes and dreams I used to have back, too. I want all those things back and not just her. Yeah….that makes more sense. It’s not that I don’t trust her, that I don’t love her because I definately do. Ugh, I don’t know what I’m talking about. There’s something wrong about her and us at this point and I’d reject her if the chance ever did come up at this point. That’s all I can say, I don’t know how else to explain it. The specific reason is nebulous; it’s almost there and I can taste the words and the understanding at the tip of my toungue, but as of right now, the understanding is absent. I don’t know why, not yet. So even should the nigh-impossible should happen, it’d still stay alone. I’d stay alone and that’s going to bother me even if nothing else around me does (and nothing else around me does all that much at this point even though I feel I have ample reason to be bothered).

I sometimes feel like I’m a prisoner of my own aspirations and hopes. A prisoner of my own mind.