#107

I got on here to write something important and something meaningful but, as I got on here, I realized I didn’t really have much of anything important or meaniningful to say. Really, all that’s going on in my life right now is more of the same. I haven’t really had a new revelation for a while now. IT’s just been…more and more feeling and emoting more than anything else. But, while those things are important as far as developing myself as a person, they’re basically repeats of the same thing. Circumstances and tones may change but underneath it all it’s really just the same thing happening over and over again. Is that boring? Maybe. I suppose that doesn’t matter, though.

So what am I doing? The same thing I’ve been doing for almost a year now. Pinning down and holding down loyalties and goals from the past. Figuring out exactly what my new goals should be and holding them close as well. It’s very important to me to whole past and future closely together for my present. It’s far too easy for me to let go of one or the other and to slowly become someone entirely different. Better to be balanced than not to be. I’ve been noticing something lately. My focus isn’t so much on my past as it used to be. Outside of on here, I barely talk about it. About anything about it, other than, perhaps, “Oh, I’ve done that before too, that’s cool” kinda thing when in a conversation about something superfluous. But as far as anything important? Basically nothing. Why? Because it’s unimportant to other people. It’s not something they need to know. I’m keeping my distance from people this time. I’m more than capable of handling my past on my own. It’s just not as big as people used to blow it up to be, not as big as what I myself blew it up to be on a personal level. It’s just…stuff. That’s all. Just another battle scar. The battles are over and now all that’s left are the scars. They’re small, just scars is all. So the past isn’t playing as big a role as it used to. My future, on the other hand, is playing a much bigger one. If I didn’t keep pressing myself as hard as I am into doing things in the coming days and conciously getting myself more and more active I don’t think I’d be doing well at all. While I’m doing very well lately, I do notice and acknowledge the fact that I’m stressed as hell lately as well. It’d be easy for me to slip back into an older frame of mind, one I don’t want to be. Because while I’m focusing on being positive and upbeat I’m definately still noticing the negative as well. It’s not that I’m suddenly mindless and happy at all. It’s simply that I’m focusing on that rather than anything else. I still notice the bad like I used to. I’m just noticing the good too. So all in all, I do realize the stress I’m under and I’m currently under a lot. A lot. But I have been for quite a long while now, haven’t I? It’s really just a matter of keeping an eye on it, watching it, so it doesn’t control me. That’s all. I’ve lasted this long, well over a year. So why should I break or screw up now because of it? I just gotta keep it in mind and watch my actions and where I’m at and everything should be ok. So there’s where I’m at right now. I’m stressed and controlling it, I’m trying to keep a balance between focusing on the past and the future at the same time as being loyal to my past.

But thinking about the stress, the whole thing seems somewhat strange. I think that the ‘thing’ stress of the petty unimportant things in life is barely affecting me. Once in a while I get worried about a project or a paper or getting to class on time but that sort of stress is very transient and unimportant to me. Those things don’t really matter in the scheme of things and I realize that. They don’t impact me too much for that reason. They’ll be dealt with and I’ll get through them so why should I let them get to me? I don’t. What’s bothering me is a lot more transient than that. I’ve mentioned it before. When I look inside myself, I feel very much empty. I feel like I’ve been thirsty for days but there’s no where to drink from. Hungry for months but without any food. I feel that I’ve been trying to drink and eat various things to see if they help but they never really do. They might distract me from feeling the way I do, in fact a lot of them do if they taste particularily bad. I definately get more focused on spitting them out than the hunger if they’re nasty. The things that taste good distract me, too. Those aren’t as easy to stop doing. They seem like they’re worth doing, like they’re going to fufill you. But they never really do. No matter how fast you swallow nor how long you chew changes it, they never fill the gap. Not even slightly. So I’m looking. Funny thing is that I hadn’t even realized I was looking to fill that gap until recently. It wasn’t something I conciously though of and tried to fix. I saw the problem and I chose to simply ignore it rather than fill it up again. But unconciously I look anyways, even if nothing ever works. Maybe it’s because I don’t want anything to.

Mmm….I think I’m going to walk to class early.