#106

You know, but I’m sad sometimes. Not like, mood sad, I haven’t been in a truly sad mood for a long time, but I do sad things sometimes and I know it. Like with opendiary. I instinctively check for notes every time I get on and usually when I get off and sometimes in-between when I’m on the computer. That’s pretty often because I get off and on quite a bit. I look for notes all the time but I don’t really get them too often. The last one I’ve gotten was on the 17th and I think I’ve probably checked well over one hundred times since then for more. Not from any specific person either, just…checking for more. That’s….mildly depressing. Meh.

I do the same with e-mails. I don’t really get too many e-mails from Jacinta anymore but I still check my e-mail religiously, 3 to 4 times a day just in case she maybe sent me something. That’s sad too. Does that mean I’m obsessive? Probably. Was I always like that with her? Am I always like that with everything? I know I’ve always been extremely passionate with the things I truly felt for, but has it always been this way with all of them? Is that all I am, just a little bundle of obsessive passion? Meh. Sometimes I wonder if I really am the good person I try to be and usually think I am. Maybe I’m just currently attached to and obsessing with that ideal and that concept and so I work on it all the time and think I am even though I might not be. Am I really doing what right? Meh meh.

I think that I might be far more lonely than I feel. Just look at both of those things. I’m being obsessive about other people and interaction. Maybe that’s why I like school so much lately, because I have other people there who like me and who talk to me and I love the interaction. When I’m at home I’m just…mostly alone. So maybe I’m lonely and that’s what I’m feeling even though I’m not actually feeling it. My mind is notorious for shutting out feelings I don’t want or like to feel after a period of experiencing them…and I do know I was terribly, terribly lonely for a long while there and that it just suddenly went away. Maybe I’m just hiding my own lonliness from myself. Meh meh meh.

So what now? Is there any way to cure my lonliness? No, I don’t think so. I need to keep focused on what I’m doing and keep doing the things I need to be doing. The situations with other isn’t too good either. I like these people and I enjoy them but with a lot of them they just aren’t compatible with me, I don’t like to go out and drink or smoke or party. With the others they’re just…inaccessable. I’ve tried hanging out with Alfonso a few times but he lives too far away and often doesn’t want to. I’ve offered to do all sorts of things with Nathan but he’s yet to actually invite me on any. Angsty! Haha, hrm. I dunno. Maybe I’m not lonely at all and maybe it’s something else completely because, after all, I haven’t actually felt lonely for a while now. In fact I’ve been more upbeat and happier than ever lately so how can I be lonely in that? Maybe I just do the thing with opendiary because I started doing it with Jacinta when she started noting me. Maybe it’s become habit since then that maybe, just maybe she’d note me again. Same with e-mail. I never used to, only since she started sending me them. So maybe it’s entirely my attention to her. Have I always been that obsessive with her? It’s strange…I never thought I was before. Maybe having lost her completely for a time I now know what I lost and what I have now, even if it’s just a shadw of what we used to be and I treasure it and I really really don’t want to lose that little sliver of her I have now. I want to treasure and cherish that sliver as much as I can while I still have it…I think that’s it. I don’t think it’s lonliness, just missing her, more likely. Just worrying about her. Yeah….that almost has to be it. I still think about her all the time. I wonder if she knows I think of her at least 4 times every day, even now. EVERY day. When I wake up I think of her. When I walk to school I think of her. When I walk home from school I think of her. As I lay down to sleep I think of her. Every other time in between isn’t set in stone, but sometimes I’ll think of her then, too. Maybe I’m just obsessed…maybe I just have no idea what anything is and I have no idea. Hrm…no, why am I calling myself obsessed with her again? It’s not obsession. It’s love. Love is very akin to obsession, but it’s not obsession. There are no musts, there are no have-tos like obsessions. I’ll bend to whatever comes and to whatever makes her happy and that’s what it all comes down to. I just think of her so often because I know deep down that there was something special there, something wildly special and that it’s not going to die despite the circumstances. I think of her so much because I know that and because I care about her and worry about how she’s doing, hope she’s doing well and that’s she’s happy. That’s all.

I’ll hold on. *closes eyes* I know I’m doing the right thing, even if it’s not what most people would do, support or understand. There is nothing wrong with loving.

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Saw you looking so sad
Like everything is gone
So you left them all
Just left them all behind
Just realize the water is way over our heads
I don’t worry much, cause I’m halfway dead

So why are you crying?
Why are you crying?

Can you tell me why, can you tell me how?
Can you tell me why aren’t you happy now?
Whatever it is, it’s really over now
Can you tell me why, can you tell me how?

We took them by surprise
By leaving this place
Some thoughts we left behind
Some good and some sad

You should know
I hold you in my arms…

You should know
That I hold you in my arms…