#103

I still ebb and flow like I always have. I’m still shifting back and forth from highs to lows. It’s not as pronounced as it once was. It used to be that I’d feel like a God incarnate I felt so good, so sure and so amazing. Then when I’d sink I was one of the darkest, most sincerely broken-up individuals I’ve ever met. There really wasn’t much of an in-between either, I would spend a short time transitioning from one to the other and it’d come and go on an almost daily basis. It was ugly at times, to say the least. Most times, even. I wasn’t often in my highs. I was usually in my lows. The lows always seemed more pervading, more important and more ‘correct’ to me. They still do, in some ways.

It’s not the same now, a good many years later. My lows are still low, they still hurt a good deal. But now they’re not the overpowering sense of loss, even if I wasn’t missing anything or anyone at the time. It was like….just a sense of loss and of apathy and decay…I used to feel like a tree whittled down to it’s skeleton frame, bent and cracking in the harsh sun. But now…now it’s just a sense of lonlieness and of incompleteness. I really don’t feel ‘right’ now when I really feel about where I am as a person right now. I don’t have my balance like I’m used to. Usually it’s my girlfriends who fufill that sort of role. They don’t necessarily have to do much of anything to fufill it either, I don’t think. Just listen to me and give me feedback. They’ve always helped me to not get lost in my torrent of thoughts and ideas that have always been a part of me. I don’t know if they ever realized that, though. I only ever used to bring up the most significant, the most important things I thought about. But I’m always thinking and they always helped me to keep a gauge of when I’m on the right track and when I’m looking at things the wrong way so that I can correct myself. They always were examples, too. I wonder if they ever knew that. Probably not. But they were. They helped balance me out. Nowadays I don’t have that. There isn’t anyone in my life who I really want to talk to on such an intimate level. I don’t even bother writing down all the things like I normally would. I don’t think I’m necessarily looking for it either. I feel sometimes like there’s a good chance that I might be veering off in the wrong direction because of that.

But that’s alright. That’s all it is when I’m low, now. I’m no longer subsisting and more-dead-than-alive. I’m fairly alive at this point. My highs aren’t nearly so high either. Two nights ago aside, which was special, I think, I haven’t feel truly high for a long long time. Maybe that’s a good thing. I ebb and flow like the oceans but I have a strange sort of stability in that, too. It’s reliable. It’s….right, almost. I think I like this part of me. Better to ebb and flow as the tide than to be stagnant. Stagnant waters breed death.