Nine Days Since Dad Died

Its been awhile since I wrote here. I wanted to get my thoughts down and a report of the events of my dads death before the memory starts to fade.

On April 29th my dad came back from a business trip. He was vomiting and had other GI problems. We all thought it was food poisoning. A week went by with this until finally we had to take Dad to the ER due to dehydration. While there the Docs did an x-ray of his chest. Saw something they did not like then did a CAT Scan. There was a mass in his lung and some spots on his liver. They did a biopsy of the spots plus a MRI of his head. The results came back: Stage 4 small cell lung cancer with tumors on his liver and in his brain.

Dad talked the talk about fighting this, but deep down we knew he did not really want to. You see dad hated being weak, being helpless, being depended on others to get by. He had worked all his life. Since the age of 5 when he would go out and shine shoes to help feed his family. Now with this disease and the treatments he would be receiving he would not even be able to drive or have the energy to walk around the block. Plus dads will to live had taken a mortal blow not even 18 months earlier when my lil brother died in a car crash. His heart just broke and never healed.

The treatment started with 10 doses of radiation to his head over a two week period. This would turn to 11 due to a break in the treatments for his first round of chemo. The radiation was not bad for dad. He was weak and tired but did not feel very sick for the most part. But the chemo really knocked dad on his ass. Alot of throwing up and his stomach was constant upset. He became very weak and depressed. He kept obsession over the littlest things driving both himself and the people around his crazy. He was in and out of the hospital with something always wrong. One time for sodium being dangerously low another for a collapsed colon. It was so hard for him and us. He went thru 2 rounds of the chemo and had all of his scans redone. On July 12th we got the results: The tumors on his liver had decreased in size a lil but his lung mass had not at all. He was done with the treatments he told us and the doc told him he had a month to 3 at most to live.

He went and planed his funeral. Sat with mom and picked all of the music that would be played. Went to the funeral home and filled out all the paperwork and made the plans that needed to be made. Then he waited. I spent every day I was off work with him and the days I was working we talked 2 or 3 or even 4 times a day on the phone. I always asked him "Dad do you want me to take off and be there?" and he would answer "I will let you know." On July 30th dad went into the hospital for what we thought was a blocked bowl but they did not find anything. On the 31st he told me he wanted to go home and could I take off work now. I think he knew the end was near. I got him out of the hospital and told my boss to find coverage I was taken off for awhile. The rest of the day dad was tired but fine. On August 1st dad slept maybe 21 out of the 24 hrs. On the 2nd he never did wake up, but for a few minutes around 3 am. You see I was sleeping on the floor at his home taken care of him. He told me to stand him up and he looked me in the eye and said "Kiss me." and I did 🙂 You see when dad was a boy he was never kissed and hugged. So when he had his own kids that was all he ever asked from us. Birthday Christmas Fathers day it did not matter all he ever asked for was a hug and kiss. He sat back down and never woke up again. I think he would have died on the 3rd but it was my birthday and he did not want to go on that day. Oh the 4th I held his hand from 5 am to around 10 am. I looked to mom and asked her if she wanted to sit in my spot and hold dads hand. She said yes and came over. After sitting down she took dad’s hand and told him "Sleep now Jackie and go be with Mike." Dad took 2 more deep breaths and pasted away.

I am leaving out a lot of what happened but these are the main parts. Now that he is gone I feel so numb. With Mike’s death the pain was so raw I was in and out of control but now aside from some break downs I feel little to nothen at all. I don’t know I hope it will past for I hate to be this way. At least I know dad and mike are together now with dad finally at peace and getting the rest he deserved for so long.

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"Bare is the back without brother to guard it."