21 Weeks Today
Its been 21 weeks to the day that my brother died. I still can not shake the feelings of guilt and failure. He was my little brother and it was my job to protect him. I failed oh I am so sorry lil brother. Being the big brother was so much a part of what I was. I always tried to be there to help, but when he needed me the most I was not there. He was in so much pain but I failed to see what he was doing to deal with it. You see he was taking oxycoten and morphine for the pain and they found them in his system that day he died. He had no legal reason to have these drugs. I knew he was sleeping alot and was more withdrawn but I swear I thought it was the anti-depressants he was on that was causing this. I knew he was taken more of the legal pain meds he had then he should of been, but I never thought he would go the illegal rought to get more. I should have questioned him more, but no I knew I could not help him with his pain so I kept my mouth shut. I should have been there to help him more. Oh god I’m sorry.
I miss him so much. I miss just looking into each others eyes and knowing what the other was thinking. We would see something and just laugh because we knew the other would think it was funny. I woke up tonight just balling because of a dream. I found him at the grave yard. Rocking back and forth with nothen on but a blanket, and I went to him. He stud and told me to go away because I had hurt him and that I was not there for him when he needed me. I pleaded with I went to my knees and asked him to forgive me but he turned his back and just walked away. Amy held me until I stopped crying, but I have not been able to shake that feeling tonight at work. Its hard enough for me to sleep because when I close my eyes I see him there in that box and it is so hard to take. I am such a failure. I try to be there for everybody else but some days I am barely holding onto myself.
Mike Jr. if you ever read this I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for failing your father. Know that I loved him with all my heart and that I will forever feel the guilt and lost of your father’s death to the day I find my own rest.
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"Bare is the back without brother to guard it."
He was an adult, he was responsible for his own actions. You couldnt have failed him or protected him. He made his own choices.
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Billy I know i am the last person you want to hear from. but you should not feel guilty about the drugs if anyone should it should be me. hell i was married to him and didnt know anything about them. he was doing it right under my nose and i thought it was just cause he was depressed. i am so sorry. i wish i could of done more. it is my fault everyone is feeling the way they are. not yours.
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you did your job to the best that you could. you was always there for him and you will always be there for mikie. to mikie your a hero. your his rolemodel and his best friend. you are everything to him. you are a part of his daddy that he will always have close to his heart. and you have proven to him over and over again that you will always be there for him. and right now that is all he needs.
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Wow, I didn’t realize there was more than just his passing. That must really be hard. At the same time, I doubt you have much to feel guilty about. I agree with the above noters – your brother had his choice to do what he did, and I’m sure you were a great friend to him, even if you didn’t know what was really going on. Keep hanging in there. Although you may feel you didn’t do enough for your brother, there are so many people surrounding you who DO think you are enough (like little Mike!)
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🙁 … I don’t think you could have done much to help him… with the state he was in he might have just pushed you away had you tried to help. when someone’s bent on suicide there’s sometimes not too much you can do… 🙁 *hugs* it was his decision to make and in no way your fault. you’re added… i’m hoping my diary is a good light distraction from what you’re doing through!
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Ryn – I think when she becomes an adult and is paying her own way she should do what she wants. But i will talk to her about moderation and not doing things in excess. After that she’s on her own.
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